Discussion Topic
what do you think is the core of social anxiety?
Posted on 09/09/09, 06:20 pm
I'm curious if any of you would agree with my theory on this:
(sorry if this turns out to be too elementary, but maybe this realization came rather late in my life LOL)
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One idea I have is that the core of social anxiety is from being too concerned with what others think.
And that may be because we value *their* opinions more than our own. (and no, that is not good)
I come from a family that *highly* values what others think, even though they don't actually know what others think, they just assume it's negative. So, everything my family did was based upon "what would the neighbors think?" and so, some of my family members had NO life of their OWN! I am not kidding. For example my aunt said this about a man she really liked: " I just couldn't date him. he's divorced. what would people say about that?!" So today she is in her 50s and has had about 3 dates in her whole life though she could have had many more. I spent many years thinking I was in this fishbowl spotlight and everyone cared what I did or said.
Now that I've evolved a bit, I realize that most of them DON'T care or notice at all. They are too busy worrying about how far they are up the social ladder they are climbing, or if someone at work will be envious of their new car, or if they have fuzz on their shirt, or why their ipod is skipping.
The nice thing about being ostracized by certain snooty neighbors (when they actually do let you know what they think) is that you no longer have to TRY, you can just be yourself with no worries. It's actually quite freeing!
Just curious what you all think about that theory.
(sorry if this turns out to be too elementary, but maybe this realization came rather late in my life LOL)
----
One idea I have is that the core of social anxiety is from being too concerned with what others think.
And that may be because we value *their* opinions more than our own. (and no, that is not good)
I come from a family that *highly* values what others think, even though they don't actually know what others think, they just assume it's negative. So, everything my family did was based upon "what would the neighbors think?" and so, some of my family members had NO life of their OWN! I am not kidding. For example my aunt said this about a man she really liked: " I just couldn't date him. he's divorced. what would people say about that?!" So today she is in her 50s and has had about 3 dates in her whole life though she could have had many more. I spent many years thinking I was in this fishbowl spotlight and everyone cared what I did or said.
Now that I've evolved a bit, I realize that most of them DON'T care or notice at all. They are too busy worrying about how far they are up the social ladder they are climbing, or if someone at work will be envious of their new car, or if they have fuzz on their shirt, or why their ipod is skipping.
The nice thing about being ostracized by certain snooty neighbors (when they actually do let you know what they think) is that you no longer have to TRY, you can just be yourself with no worries. It's actually quite freeing!
Just curious what you all think about that theory.
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Reply #1 09/13/09 9:34pm
low self esteem. When u can't love yourself what else is there to do but look for it from others and worry - which is what anxiety is - about not getting it to the point that you are afraid to interact with others because you might not get what you desperately need and crave. As i learn to love myself what others think matters less and less. Als coming from a family that blames. In my family every thing had to be somebody's fault. Nothing ever just happened. No accidents. I grew up with a great sense og guilt leading to shame and an overwhelming sense of responsibility. Everything was my fault and i couldn't stand for anyone to be unhappy. What helped was to realize i'm not the center of the universe. Not everything is always and evermore about me. Most of the time it's about somebody else. I'm not God. This was freeing because i'm not responsible for everything. Just my actions. Everything is not my fault. No need for all that guilt and shame. Maybe i'm not as bad as i thought and maybe other people don't think i am either. -
Reply #2 09/14/09 10:26am
Terrys, that is a wonderful response. The older I get the more I realize how important self love is. That is interesting about the blame in your family. I am glad you are feeling freed from it. One of the gems I saw recently that I try to carry with me was this:
Joyce Meyer was on and she was very funny that day. She said "we are not responsible for making another person happy. Turn to the person next to you and say "I am not responsible for your happiness, YOU are." and the crowd laughed. But to that I would add that everything we do impacts others in some way (sin does not happen in a vacuum my friend tells me) and so we might as well let our goodness and kindness spread like ripples. but still, we just do our best and hope others can find their own happiness, without it depending upon us.
I think I may have gotten way off topic here LOL but its nice to be out of the fishbowl and feeling more free these days. -
Reply #3 09/15/09 12:42am
Sounds Great. I did learn a Lot!!! Thank you. -
Reply #4 09/22/09 5:12am
Good topic, anziety,worry,poor self esteem symptoms often unrealistic fears that cause doubt and various triggers that lead to anxiety as we give into it out of habit patterns in our thinking caused by various things. It seems that under it the root is fears wether we label it like that or not. To live outside of our "box" is freeing :) getting there and staying there quite a challenge. Every small victory moment counts!!!
Best of evereything to you all, may strength be by our sides. -
Reply #5 09/25/09 11:18am
Fear I think that is at the core of it all. I never felt like I could socialize growing up and it's only gotten worse with age. I'm starting DBT therapy which is helping...
Thanks for Letting Me Share-
Nikki -
Reply #6 09/30/09 12:24pm
I like your theories very much. Great insight, Thankyou.
I think it,s the fear of not being good enough,coupled with fear of silenced opinions,laughter behind the back,etc.that holds me captive.
I read this recently on another site:
Ring the bells that still can ring,
Forget the perfect offering.
There is a crack in everything,
Thats how the light can trickle in.
I,m going to try harder, and use these and your wise words as possitive affirmations. Thank you all. -
Reply #7 10/06/09 12:44pm
thank you for sharing this (it is worth repeating)
Ring the bells that still can ring
Forget the perfect offering
There is a crack in everything
That's how the light can trickle in
Do you know where this poem comes from? -
Reply #8 10/06/09 8:33pm
In my older age I've also figured out that as much as I think it's all about me, everyone who crosses my path does not. In fact, they probably barely think about me at all. Yet, I can't help but continue to look for approval (I wouldn't say I'm looking for love like terrys said, I have love, I lack friends). Still, I'm sure it has something to do with a lack of love for myself. I don't feel as though I'm good enough. Like hiphophep said, it's likely the fear of what's going on behind my back that prevents me from stepping outside of my shell and getting out and meeting people in my new town. Love the thread. Thank you! -
Reply #9 10/17/09 1:19pm
Great post ! I don't have an answer, but I can say I had a very 'high self esteem', I did'nt 'fear' anything, just had what you call a healthy amount of fear.I was a very 'confindent' person, very well loved, had many many friends and was 'highly social'... I wanted to meet everyone, I had to talk to very person, I came into contact with, I wanted to know all about them their like & dislikes...etc . BUT now, I'am the oppsite....I wonder is it possible to develope 'social anxiety' , from living in a ''negative Enviorment'''' ? Funny you said a "FISHBOWL"", I live in an apartment, many people around me, and the manager is alway sending out memo's saying 'We live in a 'fishbowl' and are being watched !" My neighbors all watch, talk and laugh at me...I did NOT have social anxiety, until I moved into this hell that I now live in ! COULD the place, where I live Contribute or be the cause of my anxiety? I don't know I'am just thinking out loud...lol. -
Reply #10 10/20/09 7:29pm
I think it goes way back to when we were children for the most part. I was a shy child but didn't start having real problems until late teenage years. I read a book once about it and they said that statistics show that people who have this disorder moved a lot when they were children as one of the things and didn't really get a chance to get close to people or have to have long normal relationships and just never learned those type of skills. I totally agree with this. I was just never taught or learned how to act around people and the worse it got and the more nervous I got about it the worse I felt and showed signs of it. I also moved 68 times before I was even 18 years old hence me not knowing how to behave around people. I never stuck around long enough to find out and to learn social skill. Of course I think it also has to do with your type of personality too. Not every one who moved this will happen to. There is a lot of variations. Like if you move a lot and were a sensitive child to begin with and so on.
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Hello, I'm Gen82 and suffer from social anxiety (SAD). I noticed there wasn't any group that specifically addressed this disorder at the time so I started my own. Social Anxiety is a term used to describe an experience of anxiety (emotional discomfort, fear, apprehension or worry) regarding social situations and being negatively evaluated by other people. Be kind & considerate to all members & support each other. Please join us, you don't have to feel alone anymore!
