Discussion Topic
How to tell strangers?
Posted on 01/13/09, 02:55 pm
Today my drycleaner asked where my son was. When I told her that he had died, she began to cry and pray for me. She asked (kindly) what had happened. I told her that he died of SIDS and I left and sat in the parking lot and cried. I feel like there are minefields all around me and it is hard to go in public. I am touched that she remembered Hank, but it feels like being kicked in the gut. What do you say to people who mean well?
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Reply #1 01/13/09 3:25pm
AWWWW Hunny, BIG HUGS!!!!! I know how much it sucks!!!!!!! I am now 14 months today past losing Nick and still get blind sided. At this point, where you are I would say that he died of SIDS and leave it at that. I will also say that at your point in grief it's not an awful thing to go out places and not get those looks of sympathy and pity too. Sometimes I still cry when people ask about Nick. I also can condition myself....this took months to do, when people ask I close my eyes for a split second take a breath and that second my eyes are closed I see a flash of him at a happy time or I remember something special to me. In the beginning I'd force the "fake" happy smile but after a while the smile became less of a forced thing. PLEASE be easy on yourself, right now you are functioning from one minute to the next and really that is okay. -
Reply #2 01/13/09 4:05pm
This is so difficult and it sucks. Like Kathy says, take it easy on yourself. People will ask and they will pity you. That is the human way. I one day went off on a lady and told her that I was sick of hearing that it is all in the plan and the words I am sorry. I wish I would not have done that as she was just trying to help, but sometimes it is all you can do not to flip out. -
Reply #3 01/14/09 4:22pm
As another mom said once, she and I both were talking about how the pity and sorrys get unreal...she said that in her SIDS group they all felt like it was at the point to where they wanted to get shirts made saying please ask me about my dead baby....although we think about them 24/7, we don't always want to share them with some strangers. I know that I don't at times. It does get annoying but we all have to remember that people mean well. I get really pissy when I get asked if he was sick or that maybe he was and we just didn't know it.....I even had a moron say to me that God took him because he was "defective"....she said this at his funeral!!!!!!!!! In most cases before our individual stories, many people have never had to deal head on with an infant death suddenly, so this is something new to them. -
Reply #4 03/04/09 10:10pm
a month after our daughter passed away i ran into a woman i used to work with in the store and she asked how my beautiful baby was doing. I told her she passed away from SIDS. With her being a nurse she understood. It is the people that after you say it was SIDS, then ask if she was sick that drive me crazy. It's never going to be better but it does get easier to answer eventually. -
Reply #5 03/07/09 5:39pm
I lost my precious five month old daughter, Jillian, only two months ago and have had to tell numerous people of what happened on that horrible day. I think the worst was when a couple of my friends came to visit and took me to get my nails done (about a month after). I had gone to the nail salon when I was pregnant, but hadn't been back since and thought for sure that they wouldn't remember me. Well I was wrong. The instant I walked in, the lady behind the desk asked how my baby was doing. My heart sank when I had to tell her, let alone in front of all of the other people who were in there. Later, when I was at the nail dryer, a lady who must have heard me, said, "Your baby died? You'll have more babies...she is better off with the way the world is today" I couldn't believe that a complete stranger would have the nerve to say something like this. That was the first time. The second time was a little different. The mailman brought a package to our door one day. He asked if we had another baby. I told him what happened and he felt terrible. Looking back at what he said, it wouldn't have been possible given the time frame for me to have had another baby!
It is definitely hard telling people who don't know, but it definitely gets easier as time passes. I went back to work last week. I am a speech therapist in a school. I thought that most of the teachers told the students that I wasn't feeling well and would be back when I was feeling better. One of my sixth graders who has autism came up to me the other day and asked how my vacation was. I told him it was alright, thinking he had no clue what had happened. He then said, "I'm sorry about your baby". I said thank you and he went on his way. But I definitely remember that moment as being the first time I was able to speak of it and not cry. But yes, unfortunately, we will have to explain and re-explain so many times as so many people still don't understand what SIDS is. They think that there has to be some other reason. I don't think there is any "easy" way to handle these situations.
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I was thinking of something. I know I have not been a member of DS for long. But wouldnt it be nice to get eveyone together from DS, so we could be a lot closer as great friends. This was just a thought,let me know what you think. Thanks hugs to you all!!!
