butterfly9

Not sure what to say...

Posted on 11/09/09, 08:13 pm

Your parents are still your parents. I have written about the difficulties.

My parents are bankrupt. My dad is being cared for by the state. I was told the horrific state of being of my dad (which currently haunts me). My mother has not seen my dad since July. My mother wants him kept alive at all costs. The doctors and nurses think that this is now inhuman. I have that going on with some additional body memory and nightmares that I need to process.

My mother must leave the house that I grew up in because the house is being foreclosed. I want the family pictures. That sounds crazy, doesn't it? However, I feel that they will end up in the garbage. There is nothing else that I want since these are my abusers. My dad is why I am here.

Also, apparently, there is a hole in my closet that I made with my brother to pass notes back and forth and I cannot remember it. I feel like that if I see the hole and it is tangible that this other memory stuff and lack of memory stuff would make sense to me and make it real.

I feel that all of the pictures of me and my brother will be thrown out. It seems silly to want that and see that hole.

My sister-in-law has offered to go with me. I had many offers to make the trip. I need to ask my mom. My therapist coached me on asking her.

I am afraid to see my mom because she is in bad shape. The house is probably in shambles. I don't get a do over though. If the stuff is thrown out, then I don't get a second chance.

I will update. Thanks for letting me share.

• Reply #1 11/09/09  9:15pm
  
  EmpoweredOKC
  You know, I wish you could take a small jigsaw and cut a square out of your closet wall around the hole, take it home, and frame it. Nobody else would ever know what it meant, but you would always know.
• Reply #2 11/09/09  11:30pm
  
  Wasit
  Sounds like you're processing things and taking the appropriate steps to do what's right for you. Good for you. Keep us posted, please, and know you're not alone. I think Matt's suggestion of cutting out the hole is a good idea...or maybe just make a "rubbing" of it. You know...place a piece of paper over the hole and rub artists' charcoal back and forth over it to make a kind of picture. Then you'll always have that tangible reminder. Or maybe just take some pictures. Whatever you decide, remember to do what's best for YOU. Take care. Many hugs.
• Reply #3 11/10/09  2:49am
  
  Elisheva
  I don't know what to say.... it almost seems like silence is the only way to honor such a complex mix of emotions... not even music could do.
  
  But now I have a totally wild idea - I wonder if you can get a hold of a copy of Gates of Repentance (that's the Reform High Holiday prayerbook) - At the beginning of the Yom Kippur night service is the Kol Nidre prayer with a translation. The prayer is about vows and promises we feel forced to make (or even wanted to make, e.g. honoring parents, taking care of those we love) and cannot (or even must not) honor. It is also about both the sadness and freedom of letting go:
  
  "Let all our vows and oaths, all the promises we make and the obligations we incur to You, O God, between this Yom Kippur and the next, be null and void should we, after honest effort, find ourselves unable to fulfill them. Then may we be absolved of them." (p.252)
  
  For those of you who are not Jewish, this prayer is sung 3 times over to a deeply moving folk tune that is believed to be milleniums old.
  
  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8mg... (Part 1), http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gHw... (Part 2) - Instrumental version by Max Bruch - Women's Orchestra of Vienna.
  
  However you chose to honor this time - by going or by not going, by framing the hole or enshrining it in memory, my thoughts and prayers are with you.
  
  Beth
• Reply #4 11/10/09  8:02am
  
  butterfly9
  Thanks for the replies. My update.. I was unable to call and make the arrangement. It is a bit complex, but I was not sure of my approach. Additionally, I had a big meeting today and did not want to be a mess. Maybe, I will see if I can come up with a better approach for later. She is moving in a week or so and I need to do this soon. It is a 4 hour trip, so it is a very long which I need a plan for.
  
  Beth - thank you for your insight. I have so enjoyed reading your posts. I am Jewish, too. I am not very knowledgeable in the religion. I am reformed as well. I am going to check out that music. I love the Kol Nidre music. I really struggled over Yom Kippur and spirituality. You can see my old posts. I am sure that I will read those over and over. Matt was very helpful.
  
  It is interesting taking some piece of that hole home, so that I can see it. Interesting... There are so many big things that I cannot remember. The next really good one is that I cannot remember that the house behind my blew up when I was 9 1/2 years old. It was on my brother's birthday party. My brother remembers it. That was another memory that I have NO memory of. I looked at pictures of my 6th year old birthday and I knew some of the kids. However, the inside could have been anyone's house.
  

Discussion, question-and-answer, general social support, and journal processing for progress-oriented rape survivors. No crisis, no damaging or triggering conflicts--this is for individuals who want to contribute to collective, cooperative action toward the goal of making actual PROGRESS through rape trauma. Much of this work is based on the book "Resurrection After Rape." Diversity of topics is expected and encouraged!