scubagirl1

The need for justice

Posted on 11/04/09, 02:37 am

Ok, stuck point here...

I never prosecuted and because I didn't, I was put on the path that led me to where I am now and who I'm with now and the family I have now. So, good, right??

But I have guilt over not taking this person off the street. No one likes to hear about how "awful" their assault was. When my T offers comments like, "your assault was very violent, today he would go away for a very, very long time," it only makes it worse (yeah, I know theres a level of acceptance there I haven't quite reached either). He was only 17 and I think of what he may have become since, from what I understand, if left to continue, violence usually escalates.

And lastly, I do want my pound of flesh, I just can't have it.

So, how do you reconcile with yourself the need for justice and present guilt while recognizing that you don't "regret" staying silent? As time goes on, fear towards him starts to fade away, a little bit at a time, but it is replaced by anger. Confrontation is not an option for me, and imaginary by proxy just doesn't seem to cut it.

What I need is a volunteer who is a SO who is willing to let me kick the shit out of em :) That miiiiiight do it.......

Seriously, how do you knock out the guilt and get your justice?

• Reply #1 11/04/09  2:42am
  
  scubagirl1
  And I'm NOT talking about "journaling it out" or "confrontational letters". Been there, done that. I mean, real, out of comfort zone things that will be impactful and meaningful. Hard work stuff (not to imply those other things are not hard for people). They were very therapeutic at the time and it was the confrontational letter where I first let the anger come out. So, still good tools. What I'm talking about just seems to go beyond that for me...
• Reply #2 11/04/09  9:05am
  
  finalytime
  I have this same kind of guilt. Wondered alot about it actually.
  
  From what I understand from listening to Matt and others here, and at the retreat, one thing that might help is speaking out now for others. Reaching out and helping other survivors and physically 'doing' something. Just a thought.
• Reply #3 11/04/09  7:00pm
  
  StehtFest
  Wish I had the answer. Most of the time I don't regret that I didn't press charges. I think it would have been a nightmare for me and there would probably not have been justice. But other times I deeply regret that I did nothing to stop a serial rapist. On my angriest days, I regret:
  
  1. Not killing the bastards when I had the chance
  
  2. That my brother didn't pull the trigger when he had his gun pointed at the worst of my two rapists
  
  3. That no one beat the crap out of them
  
  4. That I didn't take my friend up on his offer to send a biker gang after them
  
  Of course I don't regret that my brother and I didn't serve jail time for murder. I don't regret that I don't have any of that on my conscience. But a big part of me cries out for justice that will never happen in this life. I wish I knew what to do about that.
• Reply #4 11/04/09  7:52pm
  
  mockingbird12
  This is a question so many of us can relate to because so many of us didn't report. I too have the guilt associated with well-meaning words said to me by my therapist...."I am sure, based on the level of sadism associated with your rape, this wasn't their first time, and probably wasn't their last. You may never have heard that they were actually caught later. It could be that they no longer are out there..."
  
  Ouch! "Wasn't their first time"....(you mean someone had the chance to save me?) or, "probably wasn't their last..." (you mean I could have saved someone else?). No matter how I look at it, it doesn't land comfortably.
  
  As for getting to the point of feeling justice...of having any sense of satisfaction -- I don't know how to do this either. I like the ideas of doing for others. I like the idea of being an advocate. I like to think of them as old and dead now, and never having gone on to hurt another soul. I like to imagine them getting away from my house, getting sober, and living with the sense that they are about to get found out. I don't know who they were. I never will. I wish I had had the courage and the circumstances had been in favor of me telling. I wish alot of things that simply can never be.
  
  I still think grief is a thing I need. If I could grieve for her...the younger version of me, I wonder if justice would seem so lost.
• Reply #5 11/04/09  9:30pm
  
  EmpoweredOKC
  I think this issue is an area where we need a LOT more advances in understanding, including counselors and published literature. Since the "I didn't report it" stuck point is so common, we need to anticipate it and have good responses at the ready. Logically, we know that reporting it does not guarantee justice; very few reports lead to arrest, and many more reports lead to outright victim-blaming or victim-discrediting by "the system," whether from detectives who scoff at the victim's allegations or personal circumstances, or SANE nurses who cannot set aside personal feelings to complete an objective examination that will stand up in court. And of reports that do lead to arrest, only some of those result in a successful conviction. Yet despite this reality, the notion that "I could have reported him and product such-and-such outcome" persists.
  
  I also think our concept of justice has been incorrectly conditioned to take the shape of punishment. Punishment and justice are not synonymous; justice is about restoration of shalom (to borrow my new favorite religious term), and thus focuses on the victim's needs. Conviction is the end result of a legal contest between the state - not the victim - and the accused. But politicians, for example, race each other for the stronger "tough on crime" reputation to convince the public that they advocate for victims, when those are not always the same thing at all. If true justice is about restoration of the victim's rights and fulfillment of her needs, then justice is produced moreso in contexts like successful counseling (at least where specially-trained sexual assault counseling still exists; did you know it is decreasing, not increasing?), social gatherings of survivors, the wilderness retreat, and inclusion of survivors' voices in shaping public awareness and policy. Even dialogues about what the terms "victim" and "survivor" mean are ingredients of justice, because they redirect our focus toward the experiences of the survivor, how the world thinks of her, how her experience is treated by others, and how others connect with her in the collective action for social change. Just locking a guy away does not achieve justice. Likewise, stopping or obstructing projects like those I named would be anti-justice, as they dismantle the few positive projects that serve survivors.
  
  Let me clarify: I am NOT opposing conviction of rapists. Locking the guy away is a partial answer to one problem. But is it justice? Not if we more accurately consider the word as it pertains to the needs and rights of the victim. It's only justice as long as we continue to see justice as the success of the State in achieving conviction, at which point the process pretty much ends; the survivor gains little psychological, emotional, or spiritual benefit beyond that but expected to be satisfied with the conclusion.
• Reply #6 11/04/09  11:02pm
  
  scubagirl1
  Argh, my brain hurts...
  
  Ok, so, maybe I need to just get the whole "pressing charges" thing out of my head; not gonna happen anyway. And I AM looking for justice it sounds like, when I go back and read my initial post. Cause I'm not looking for retribution (although I'll admit every now and then I'll let my imagination wander), but my anger is good anger I think. I'd much rather be angry than afraid. And I don't know what I'm afraid of; him, life, whatever "IT" is that gives me panic attacks, whatever! or if I'm afraid of uncovering the emotions (pain, hurt, anger, frustration). I just don't know what to do with it when I get it. I've suppressed them for sooo many years that when they come out, only with panic attacks, it scares the shit out of me and back in they go.
  
  Maybe I'm just afraid I'll be incredibly frustrated that my anger is never heard. REALLY heard, used, comprehended, understood...
  
  And that I'll have it for a long time. I don't want it but I feel myself going that way. I just need to DO something with it and I don't know what. I'm rambling...
  
  I am looking for justice, shalom, my homeostasis returned. I guess I just thought to get there met confrontation or acceptance that I "let him get away." Just don't really know where to go from here. I feel the shift in emotions and I want to handle it therapeutically.
  
  I need it to have PURPOSE! Thats the word ive been searching for in all these paragraphs, purpose!! I need to make this all have a purpose... outside of myself. ahhhhh
• Reply #7 11/04/09  11:22pm
  
  EmpoweredOKC
  "Maybe I'm just afraid I'll be incredibly frustrated that my anger is never heard. REALLY heard, used, comprehended, understood..."
  
  I understand. This part hurts bad, doesn't it?
• Reply #8 11/04/09  11:33pm
  
  scubagirl1
  Yup
  
  And if I figure out a way to make sure all who needs to get it "gets it", I'll let ya know.
• Reply #9 11/05/09  1:44am
  
  HeckleRedux
  I think there is a danger in equating obtaining a conviction with achieving justice. Not physical danger, but emotional danger. If one goes forward with reporting rape and the prosecution of the rapist and then the rapist isn't convicted, the victim/survivor could easily internalize the acquittal as a personal failure. Perhaps there could be thoughts that "I didn't remember enough detail," or "I waited to long to report it," etcetera. In reality, the reason so many rape prosecutions end in acquittal is because of problems with law enforcement. My experience is that the vast majority of first responders are men and they have preconceived notions of how a woman should behave following a sexual assault. When I was assaulted in my home last summer, several officers showed up, all men. The police officer who took charge on the scene was still in training. He kept commenting on how calm I was. I made a conscious effort to remain calm so I could give them as much detail about the perp as possible. However, when they made their reports, my calmness became an indicator that I wasn't telling the truth. While my perpetrator was charged, the case had to be dismissed because my story varied too much from what the cops had to say. While I was disappointed in the result, I took comfort in knowing that I did my job -- I told the truth. That's all one can do.
• Reply #10 11/05/09  4:23am
  
  BetterVersi...
  I have a lot to say to this post, but I don't have the time at the moment....but dev dev, I can tell you that I WISH, wish like HELL that I would have never reported. Ill write more later

Discussion, question-and-answer, general social support, and journal processing for progress-oriented rape survivors. No crisis, no damaging or triggering conflicts--this is for individuals who want to contribute to collective, cooperative action toward the goal of making actual PROGRESS through rape trauma. Much of this work is based on the book "Resurrection After Rape." Diversity of topics is expected and encouraged!