I remember your picture... so sad. Can you pinpoint exactly what thoughts other than (about being forced, you know) are bothering you? Can you detail out specifics that are harder than others? Maybe making a list of those things would be a good place to start so you can "sort them out" in a way. Journaling them onto paper may be a way of organizing your thoughts.
Do you have someone to help you through that list? If you feel that Feb is "coming up" (it seems like forever away to me :)) then maybe you are feeling triggered...
I think the "im better, no wait! Not quite!" feeling is normal. Or so I've been told ;)
Discussion Topic
it's been a really long time...
Posted on 11/04/09, 02:03 am
I don't know if any of you remember me, if not I won't be offended. I used to come on here a lot. I thought I was better. I was doing better. And now I can't stop thinking about it. Things between me and my guy are really kind of messed up right now. It's been a crazy year. lots of ups and downs. That's fine. but I find myself thinking about it a lot lately. ( about being forced, you know...) Anyway I don't know what happened or why I can't get it out of my head. Maybe because february is getting close. I guess it doesn't matter why.
I am afraid...
I am afraid...
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Reply #1 11/04/09 2:25am
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Reply #2 11/04/09 8:59am
I do remember you! Hey There! Missed you around here but glad that you were doing better. I think we've all experienced that at some point and jump right back...Scuba has some good idea's and thoughts on how to manage. Welcome back.... -
Reply #3 11/04/09 10:46am
Of course I remember you! I figured you had either moved on from DS, or perhaps focused your attention on other groups instead of this one. Either way, don't doubt that your absence WAS noticed, so I'm glad to see you here again. -
Reply #4 11/05/09 10:04am
I'm really glad to see you back. I was wondering where you went. :-) -
Reply #5 11/05/09 2:24pm
Hi Jezzia, good to see you on the site again. But sorry that you're having such a rough time of it right now. -
Reply #6 11/05/09 2:46pm
I am not sure I was on at the time you were but hey, I kind of bugged out for a while too. Sometimes I think we need to do that. If we stand on our own just for a little to see what areas of support we still need, we can also find out what new strengths we have to offer ourselves and others. But it is also really great that you did reach out when you noticed things were hard. I forget that part!! -
Reply #7 11/05/09 10:11pm
Hi Jezzia, I'm really sorry for what brought you here however glad to say hello. I'm new on the board -
Reply #8 11/05/09 11:10pm
Hi Jezzia! I certainly remember you and am happy to hear you had some time where the issue wasn't so ever-present. Don't feel like you have slipped backwards because you have been revisited by this. That isn't how it works, but I mention it because I know that is how it feels. Whatever good has come your way is your's -- you own it. This revisit from the ugliness is just a sign you have some more work to do...not that you have returned to the place you once were.
I know this can be rough on our partners. I hope your's is understanding and patient. You know....I had often thought that I was being cruel to continue in my relationship with my husband. It seemed like he would certainly be happier without me...with someone who is unaffected by rape. But you know what? I don't find myself there so much anymore - at least not lately. I believe my husband had every opportunity to leave me, if that had been his mindset. There are no chains here holding him, but he is here, all these years later he is still right here. So, either he is a Saint and into self-destruction the slow and painful way -- by way of traumatized-woman-creating-distress, or, he genuinely finds something about me he loves, and the rape is not a factor in that. That feels so good to say. I believe I am loved by this man....and something about me is loveable...there is a good thing in me after all!!
So, that things are messed up now between you two..talk to him. Speak up if the relationship means alot to you. Tell him you are being triggered by things you can't identify and you just want him to be aware that you don't mean to be difficult...or to find him difficult, but right now -- difficult is what you are facing. Ask him if he can help you through this time...and tell him how much you want to be unaffected by what happened, at least as much as is possible. Then, take a good look at your life...an honest good look. Find all the things that made this time you felt 'better' feel that way...and claim them. Hang on to those feelings and work to continue to move forward. I like the new picture...it doesn't appear as frightened as the other one. The other one always made me feel so sad for you...sad for us all. You had some great days, and you will again. If February is an anniversary for your rape, then that may well be the thing you are bombarded with right now. That you recognize it is a grat thing!! Too many of us have the feeling without attaching it to a cause. So, we are here. Write out the things that bother you...ask questions...vent...tell jokes...write an op-ed piece on the impact of greenhouse gasses on the prairie grasses of Western Ontario in July....just write words...we will respond.
Welcome home Jezzia....glad you found your way back.
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Discussion, question-and-answer, general social support, and journal processing for progress-oriented rape survivors. No crisis, no damaging or triggering conflicts--this is for individuals who want to contribute to collective, cooperative action toward the goal of making actual PROGRESS through rape trauma. Much of this work is based on the book "Resurrection After Rape." Diversity of topics is expected and encouraged!
