hopefully this is not triggering ... but sorry for being and expressing how down I am!

If you are not busy being born you are busy dying!

This Bob Dylan song lyric caught my attention last night. It describes what I am sorta going thru.

Lately I made some new accomplishments in terms of liking life and my job and I thought now it will be easier to improve those other areas that I need improved. However, after about a year I found I was not able to make headway. Something happened right as I was doing something awesome for myself. I do believe that things happen for a reason and I have to look at the underlying cause of my reactions.To become more powerful over my own reactions aligned with what's good for me. And that's when something started to happen where as I had all the reserves in me ready to make use of but couldn't because of circumstances or something. That's why I sought out a recovery board again.

I have been having moments of peace after getting here; even my cats are getting along better. Seriously they are ... I catch them actually napping together! And the two that used to fight aren't!

However I have noticed a feeling a defeat inside of me being my present state of being. I can't seem to accomplish what I need and am losing the desire to try because I feel defeated. Well I realize that this was probable a huge part of the feelings from rape. The rape did make me feel a sense of "defeat" in certain areas of myself and then later after losing a love relationship and being into a very abusive situation were I think I became complicit with defeat ... I was really almost totally defeated. I got out but life truly was not a joy I was disconnected. I did no active group or herapy ( thats a typo on therapy but i kinda like it) recovery during those days because I was just trying to keep alive. I have had joy since and am very much alive ! and I got myself to a place where It seems possible to really live well again...but i just can't seem to do it.

SO the lyric I heard last night was "If you are not busy being born you are busy dying" This is how I feel I have become most recently.

I've worked through so much of the rape but I think I have not worked through to change and take away the feeling of defeat. When I say I have worked through most of the rape I can honestly say when I go back and remember it's almost like it didn't happen. What rape. I know that might sound like an omg how can that be isn't that what ever rape victims dream is ... that it didn't happen. Well that's the payoff of working at recovery.
believe me I can remember the days when that was not the case. That's why I say recover is as real as the pain of the rape. It's just realer!! because that's what belongs to us. Ourselves. The rape is the lies it get's us to believe ... that comes from the idea that god is love and god is all that really exist. A premise I got from spiritual readings and my own inner belief.

So my life is showing me a feeling of defeat despite potential ... like one part of me is going backwards instead of forwards ie; not being born!!! I think we can constantly be being born each day that we are alive. When you take on a project, do something healthy, do something you care about ect.

Well this is where I am at and this is what I need to work on... I have limitations that are real tangible things I see as the culprits, income, I am uncomfortable having to have a roommate that somehow seems to inhibit me ... I guess I see no way of changing my living situation and thus just feel defeat. And I stop doing things like even exercise or making my home feel nice or reflective of my spirit; because I totally feel defeated and that there's no hope for the future being any different than the present. I am afraid. I can isolate that as part of the problem.

I will use this to see if it is part of recovery. I'm supposed to see a counselor next week but I really can't afford to ... I will go just to see if there is something to work out maybe once a month if that's possible. After talking to her on phone I exercised for the first time in months.

So what's the defeat? ... Is it when I thought that he had won. Because I did when it was happening I thought to myself "He has won" Well how on earth do I change THAT!??! Is there a way that I WIN? ANd by my definition of winning it would look nothing like what his! Gross. I'm gonna look deep into my faith on this one...I can actually feel it happening now.