reeseyboy

Boyfriend of woman who was raped last year

Posted on 10/26/09, 05:25 am

I met my gf a few months back and we've enjoyed each other's time and connected very well. After about 2 months I went away for 5 days and received the email below. She told me the day she left that she loved me etc but when I returned it was like another person had possessed her and she now wants to fix herself with none of my help. She thinks she can go this alone but I care for her so much I want to help. Moreover after reading and listening to talks (some from Matt A) I don't think she's doing the best thing. She was raped by 3 strangers over a year ago and still has yet to come to terms with it. Does anyone have any advice? I've tried everything- sent her links about how it's ok if she's feeling lost, crazy, guilty, angry etc but she still feels isolated and now wants to downgrade our relationship and move to a small town and deal with this on her own. What should I do?

Relationship or not I am worried as I think she needs someone to help her.

(Email begins below)

I thought maybe if I wrote this out it might help clear things up a little..

Since you left I have been haunted by feelings that Ive buried away in hope that one day it will just go away....I used to think that if I surrounded myself with good people it will somehow work itself out.. obviously it was only a short term solution... it keeps coming back and no doubt this time its clearer than ever... I realized that to grow mentally and spiritually I need to deal with my problems... to move on completely and live the life I want to live I have to deal with it first...deal with my emotions and feel all that I'm supposed to feel...all the anger... all the fear..all that pain...I know it will take time but cannot tell you how long it will take... i want to be fair to you and also do the right thing for myself...

I think what we have is great and that makes it even harder for me to do this but maybe its not meant for us right now. Im sorry it has come to this point...and Im really sad that i have to choose...I think you are a great man and im grateful that we've got to know each other and I never doubt at all that you would make the perfect life partner....when I decided to be with you .. i saw everything I ever imagined my future husband would be...You are a man with a good heart and you are honest, trustworthy, fun, smart, caring, hilarious and ever so considerate.... you have so many good qualities I dont see any bad in you... not even one...

I just think Im not ready for a relationship yet. I dont think I can handle the responsibility of being a good girlfriend to you when mentality and emotionally Im not stable... I only want the best for you as thats what you have shared with me... so when you are with me... I want to make sure you are happy too... I know right now im a mess and I cant see our relationship developing in the way we both hope it to be as one of us is dragging the other behind... I dont want to drag you down with me... I care so much for you I would only be the one to blame if I let it happen...

This has nothing to do with any third party as there is none. I dont have anyone else and I dont intend to be with anyone else either. When you left, I had time to myself again and it allowed me to reflect on my life... Ive never felt it hit me this hard before...and I think its time I deal with it before things get worse for me... I know I owe it to myself after all the other times that I chose to ignore the situation. I need time to myself and focus on me.I need to recognise who I am and find my inner strengths. Its an identity crisis as a result from from being robbed....it took alot out of me.. so much that I feel I have nothing left for myself..no self values, no confidence, no beliefs, and above all I dont know what im worth anymore....ever since the incident I try to keep myself busy so I can forget....I've never really dealt and confront my own feelings ...Im still hurting and I need to do something about it before I break down. I appreciate every effort and every piece of your heart to try and help me... it means alot...but I know only I can help myself this time...at least let me try...let me try it my way this time.

The support I have from my family and all my friends has kept me sane all this while. But what stood out most was meeting you. I have lots of issues when it comes to trusting men... but you have shown me that its okay.... you have given me something I could not have possibly do on my own...and that is Trust.. you've shown me its okay to trust...I trust you and I dont doubt you at all about anything...and along the way I have learned to trust myself again...this is the key to it all... I believe once I trust myself I will believe in myself... when you believe you build confidence... when you are confident you have inner strengths... strengths that will empower you to battle with life's obstacles....and I need it more right now than ever...

I dont want you to take this personally as it is not your fault. it is no ones fault as there is nothing to blame... there is nothing wrong with any one of us...its simply not the right time.. I know you have alot on your plate right now and this is probably not the best time to bring it up. But I also know that if I let this go on any further it will hurt you even more...I feel that it is the right thing to do for the good of both of us. I do not want to mislead you or waste your time or even worse have your heart on the line because of the mess im in.It is not fair for you ...it's mean. There are so many good memories with you...I only have good memories with you...

I can tell you right now all I ever want for you is the best. I mean no harm and I had no intention for us to be like this. I want to be happy ... happy with or without you- or my family or friends. If I keep relying on the people around me to dictate how I feel than I will soon be very dependent and clingy which I have always believed to be unhealthy for any relationship and for an individual's mental growth.

I hope this has helped you understand the situation... I cannot blame you if you are mad at me... and can only hope that you would forgive me... I have high regards for you as a person, as a friend and as a lover...everything that I felt and everything that I feel for you right now is real... If you rather not see me again I can understand... please know that I care for you... I promise you I will recover... I promise I will seek help if I cant do it myself...and I promise you I will not toy around with the thought of leaving this world... Im really really sorry that Ive hurt you like this... Im really really sorry... I will leave it up to you now as im not sure if you would still want me to be in contact with you... forgive me

• Reply #1 10/26/09  7:50am
  
  mockingbird12
  Hi. First point that jumps off the page (forgive us, we are touchy about certain things) is that you start very early in your post stating..."she was raped by three strangers over a year ago....AND STILL HAS YET TO COME TO TERMS....." Sorry, but "over a year" is a time limit that other's place on our well-being, and it simply is unrealistic to think she would be...."better" by now based on the simple passage of time. You go on to state one of the reasons....she is trying to go it alone. It can't be done for most of us alone. But, on the up side....she sounds well put-together in her letter to you....and she didn't 'end it'...she still wants to be friends. I understand her pressure over being in a 'relationship', and your frustration over her making a choice. But, this is a thing she does need...to be able to step back, evaluate where she feels she is, and to make her own choice.
  
  You say 'relationship or not'...so, sounds like you will still be her friend...and that leaves a door open for things to grow if they are meant to. I don't have alot of time right now, but I'll come back to this...I have to get ready for work. If you haven't read it, go to
  resurrectionafterrape.org read the bonus materials for men helping womne who have been raped...it is the perfect place to start.
• Reply #2 10/26/09  10:06am
  
  Deb16
  Firstly hats off to you for finding your way here to ask advice. Thank you.
  
  I do appreciate your concern for what is right for her but perhaps she doesn't know either, however her letter sounds as though that is what she is trying to find out. Kind of a realisation of being stuck together because of the people around her rather than being an individual amongst the people around her.
  
  I would like to challenge "it seems like someone else possessed her" and would question that, I wonder if the possessed her is the real her that she has up until now kept hidden even from those like yourself who are closest. Unable to show this side of her incase of rejection, abandonment or having her experience belittled or down graded in any way.
  
  1 year is not a long time, I did not start adressing the longterm affects of my experience of rape until 16 years later and only then could I see how much my life had been influenced because of one night in my adolesence.
  
  Acceptance is what i would suggest. Trust that she can overcome this and that you truley believe that she can, that way she can find her way back when she is ready and you are not condoning something you do not believe. Let her know she does not have do it on her own, but try not to tell how she should deal or where she is not right, remember it is the rape that is wrong, not how she feels about it, she has already been controlled and gaining her sense of strength is a part of the process and above all be honest.
  
  Her letter honours you with her ability to trust again be proud,but just perhaps she is finding her own feelings hard enough to deal with, without having to worry about the impact her issues have on others, what they might think, or how she might hurt them~ I hope from this viewpoint her wishes are easier to understand. Lets not forget, Rape is a callous crime and the affects long lasting and deeply rooted.
  
  I'm sorry that you are both in this situation
  
  Take care
  
  Deb
  
• Reply #3 10/26/09  11:54am
  
  EmpoweredOKC
  I don't know what to say; this is so sad. I am beginning to see that another way that victims are wounded is the choice--intentionally or not--to gradually amputate relationships with loved ones during grief. What is so sad about that is that reconnection is what's most needed, but she seems to feel incapable of connecting. Let me say up front that you cannot change the choices she will make, which feels all the more tragic.
  
  What the therapist in me sees is a woman who is trying desperately to intellectualize her grief. She is writing very intelligently, expressing a very reasoned and maturely-composed rationale for the choice to sever relationships. But that is not an intellectual response, it is an emotional one given intellectual justifications. Underneath the poised wording, I sense a soul that is deeply, deeply hurt by the belief that "I can't be in a relationship because I can't offer good back to the good people in my life." I sense this when she acknowledges that it is support from others that has kept her sane, then contradicts the wisdom of this insight by claiming that she can't live up to the responsibilities of being a good girlfriend. It's one way of saying "I will only hurt you, so be rid of me!" She rationalizes this by saying that she can't allow others to "dictate" how she feels. The word "dictate" seems out of place, especially after her description of the gentle, wise, and compassionate support she has received--hardly dictatorial.
  
  What I see here is a woman who feels she isn't good enough for others now, and can't stand to come out and say that. She instead, she says that dissolving her relationships is somehow a part of her healing process.
  
  This may sound strange, but let me contribute one word of caution: the most common mistake that us guys make when we intend to be supportive. Too often (and we've seen it here on RAR), we (men) begin with patient compassion and an eagerness to "hang in there" and support her, regardless of her hurtful choices. That's awesome. But then after a couple of months, I see men get discouraged and jaded, hardened against their own formerly-tender hearts. They go from gentle companions into "okay, that's enough of this--you need to just get over this!" Watch out for that frustration, because it's a guaranteed deal-breaker with any rape victim.
  
  In the meantime, as I said, you cannot change her choices. But you CAN be direct with her, instead of tiptoe-ing around these feelings, and just cut through all the shame with clear, concise declarations that there is nothing about her that has lessened her worth to you, nothing she can feel, say, or experience that will make you reject her. If she chooses to reject herself (and you, by extension), you'll have to live with it, but she needs to know--assuming it's true, of course--that the shame she feels is not felt by you.
• Reply #4 10/26/09  2:47pm
  
  scubagirl1
  SUCH a total dealbreaker in a relationship if she feels like you are giving up as well. And even in the absolute strongest relationships, sometimes feelings of eventual abandonment are so strong, that she may feel that it's only a matter of time, no matter how hard you try. Which I'm sure will/can be draining on you. Although it may not rear its head every day if you two stay together, if it comes up every now and then, don't assume that it's something you haven't done to prove that you aren't going anywhere.
  
  We have a lot of what we perceive as secrets, even thought they are clearly documented signs and symptoms of PTSD/Rape Trauma Syndrome. Feeling this way can sometimes make us feel that if you knew EVERYTHING, you would leave, despite your best intentions. This is an interanal struggle with the victim, not others. So.... yeah.... Watch out for the frustration. Good luck to you both.
• Reply #5 10/28/09  10:38pm
  
  reeseyboy
  Sorry for the delay in reply as I've been on the road.
  
  First off this is such a big help and I'm grateful for you all who have replied - who have taken the time to give me advice.
  
  Mockingbird - my apologies for the 'come to terms' comment. I understand that it takes time and people may never fully heal. What I meant to say was that she has yet to be in a position to at least mitigate its effects on her. Rather she has brushed it aside thru PTSD, etc (which is normal for her preservation)
  
  Deb- the woman I knew for almost 3 months is a good soul and genuinely happy but the day I came back I saw that her memetic battle with the effects of that night was going the other way. Thanks for your comments.
  
  EmpoweredOKC- I appreciate yours as well. I didn't pick up on the incongruency of her arguments as well as you did. It reminds me of the books of Daniel Goleman and Paul Ekman- the disconnect between the rational and emotional sides. I will take your advice on board especially w/r/t patience and also imparting that I do not think less of her. In fact, I think more of any woman who's gone through this and continues on.
  
  
• Reply #6 10/29/09  1:16am
  
  EmpoweredOKC
  You are on the right track. Goleman's theories about emotional intelligence really do apply here. And he would probably be the first to say that no persuasion rooted in logic, analysis, or data will ever budge an emotionally-held belief, which is why rape trauma is such a difficult travail. While 90% of rape victims intellectually KNOW they are not at fault, 100% still FEEL fault nonetheless, which is a fact that the members of this very forum have united to try to change.
• Reply #7 10/30/09  10:14am
  
  StarbuckDif...
  There was a time I felt exactly like your girlfriend, and I had a really decent guy for my boyfriend but I was feeling so horrible and didn't know if I could actually deal with a relationship, so I tried to get rid of my boyfriend.... I didn't write him an email like that (well, we didn't have email back then LOL) but I tried holding him at arm's length, tried on purpose to make him irritated with me so maybe he would break up with me, and finally, I remember just telling him I was not good for him and he'd be happier dropping me and moving on.
  
  But you know what? This darn guy was so stubborn and persistent and gentle and loving and supportive.
  
  We have now been married 13 1/2 years, have 2 kids, and he was an important part of my eventual recovery from my rape trauma.
• Reply #8 10/30/09  12:59pm
  
  StehtFest
  Oooh, I love that story! So who is this wonderful guy? lol
• Reply #9 11/04/09  10:13pm
  
  jezzia
  Reeseyboy, i cannot really offer you advice, and I am sorry for that. What I can say is that I completely understand where your girl is coming from, or how she feels. I can say that as a woman who has the same kinds of feelings and thoughts, (so similar in fact, that I could have written that email myself, had I the courage...) the fact that she even feels it is safe enough to say all that she said speaks to her strength, and to your character. She will be ok. She will survive this. She already is surviving this. And oyu are already helping her, even if neither of you realizes it. Don't push her to "work on it" (not that you are or have). She knows she needs to. Try not to feel frustrated or angry with her (not that you are or have). She is frustrated and angry enough at herself, I would guess. Something has been done to her that is so horrible, so heinous, she probably can't even wrap her mind around it. But she seems to be doing very well from my viewpoint. A year after I was raped I wouldn't even admit it to myself, much less to anyone else. I didn't have a single rational thought in my head, and couldn't explain it any more than I could sprout wings and fly...
  THANK YOU for coming here and trying to find some help or answers. Thank you for supporting her. She probably thinks that you don't and can't ever understand...she may be right (no offense). I think (and I might be wrong) that if I were her and you were my guy, it might help me too see all of this thread.... with no explanation or expectation. I might be wrong, and you certainly know her better than I do. But if it were ME.... it would help me to see all of this.
  
  My guy doesn't even want me to talk about it. or think about it. or remember it. because he can't fix it and it makes him crazy... he would rather ignore... he would rather I shove it down and ignore it....
• Reply #10 11/04/09  10:14pm
  
  jezzia
  sorry gotta go... more later if you are interested to read more of what I have to say...

Discussion, question-and-answer, general social support, and journal processing for progress-oriented rape survivors. No crisis, no damaging or triggering conflicts--this is for individuals who want to contribute to collective, cooperative action toward the goal of making actual PROGRESS through rape trauma. Much of this work is based on the book "Resurrection After Rape." Diversity of topics is expected and encouraged!