Discussion Topic

Does an Orgasm make you cry?

Posted on 08/23/08, 11:59 am
Does an Orgasm make you cry?

Sounds odd, I know. But, I do wonder if anyone else has this uncontrolled response?

My husband and I had always had the most adventurous and wonderful sex life. Wonderful! I can even reflect back now, on days when I know he was having sex with the OW, we would talk about how "sex has always been great with us. We have never had a problem there......"
Now, that is a real sad memory.

After the affair, I feel so "dirty" and as if I am in competition. I start out good and as soon as I feel any closeness, I shut down. Do not mean to, just do. Not so into it..... LOL

I think he must have read an e-mail to my Dr asking about how do I get thru this. I love him, but I am faking the whole "wild about my sexy man" thing. I feel like I am the one leading the double life now, and I feel like I am dying inside. She tells me to keep up the act and with lots of time, love and faithfulness, I will heal.

Since then, he has been so wonderfully sweet and loving. Lots of touching, kissing you know the soft stuff first. I guess I need tons more of that now, because it seems to work. I am starting to feel closer to him, with out the knee jerk response of shutting down as often or quickly.

Except! At the moment of an orgasm, the tears come. I can control any sounds of crying, but the tears uncontrollably run down my face. I wipe them into the pillow... so he does not see them (most the time).
What is up with this? Any ideas how to cope and stop it?
Showing 10 Replies
  • Reply #1 08/23/08  3:01pm
    yes, I cry sometimes, with almost anything to do with intimacy or sex, not as often now, but it still happens. I don't understand your DR. wanting your to "fake" it, that seems very wrong to me.
  • Reply #2 08/23/08  3:15pm
    I have heard it from several sources. "Fake it, until you Make it". I guess to avaoid even more damage to a relationship you want to save? I did not sound right to me, at first, but, I do see now, it does no good to hurt Him and make Him feel unloved or unattractive. I do want Him to know I love Him and feel Good whan he is with me.
    So, it does work for us. We are getting closer and closer. I very smart woman here in the group told be how to find my boundaries with "talk". She said something like "if I have questions for Him, ask. If I still need to go over it, and sometimes over it.... chat in the group". ONe of the best things I can do for "us". I must feel what I feel and talk and talk, but not to the point of damaging Him or Us.
    Does that make sense?
  • Reply #3 08/23/08  9:20pm
    Dear homeless, After D-day I would cry and shake during sex, My H would hold me tighter and say he loved me. He knew how hurtful it was for me bacause I'd told him I thought of them toghether when we were having sex. My therapist told me to stop myself from any thoughts other then what was going on at the moment between us. It's hard sometimes but does get better with time. Just enjoy your H and stay in the moment of feeling good and loved. Hope you're feeling better every day.. Luv Sharon
  • Reply #4 08/23/08  9:41pm
    Thank you! Sharon
    Maybe a conversation with the H about all this would help ??? Maybe it has been long enough to have that talk.... I do not not know. So, I guess I wait until it feels right.
    That is exactly what happens. I think of did he do that to her, her to him,.... what is just ours any more??? Did he like that better with her....
    I tried fantacising of him when we were young and before all this. But, that was a disaster. It just made me cry even harder.
  • Reply #5 08/23/08  11:25pm
    I understand totally, you have to understand that she was my friend so I could physically picture her with him,UCKKKKKKKKKK! Do tell your H you need his reassurance to quell your pain, say I need a hug, just hold me(no sex), whatever comforts you with him. When the ugly pics come into your head, say in your mind STOP! THINK about this very moment, He is making love to ME and I'm going to enjoy this. It's a long road to healing but it seems like your H is working on the marriage, right? That's all we can ask for. HUGS Sharon
  • Reply #6 08/23/08  11:27pm
    I haven't cried, but I've never been able since my husbands affair to be as intimate with him as I was before. It almost feels like I'm having sex with a stranger.
    I try everything I can think of, and most of the time when I try to initiate sex, he has some excuse or another.
    I do feel like I'm living a double life. I'm trying everything I can to get him to "like me better" than the other women he has had.
    We had a great sex life, even during his affairs.
    Now that the affairs are over, as far as I know, he doesn't seem to be interested in having a great session with me anymore.
    The only time we have really good sex now is when I suspect he might be seeing someone else, and it's only when he initiates sex.
    I don't know how to compete with a stranger that doesn't represent the reality of daily life, like bills, mortgage, and home repairs.
    He was watching some porn on TV the other night. Just soft porn, but I walked in and he immediately changed the channel.
    I looked at him, and said "How do you expect me to compete with those 20 year old bodies??" Maybe we should have more sex instead of you watching it on TV.
    He just changed the channel to the history channel, and didn't respond. Tonight he was watching TV, and I asked him if he would like to go out on the patio and turn the radio on and dance in the moonlight. He said no. Too many misquitoes.
    I don't know how much longer I can keep trying.
    I do cry sometimes, but it's always when I'm alone in the house, and not expecting any company. No one sees me cry.
  • Reply #7 08/24/08  9:34am
    Stayingalive, I don`t want to be presumptous, but when my H started his affair a friend on DS suggested to do some research on sex addiction. The way you are describing your H, and the porn is just a very small part of it, reminds me of what I read there. This living inside his head, keeping you at a distance, the isolation you seem to feel. I always thought sex addicts "do it" all the time. Not so. We are not in counseling yet and I`m not sure what`s going on with my H, but I plan to find that out. There is no moving forward unless you get to the root of the problem.

    Some therapists work off the "fake it..." theory. I always thought that you have to feel a certain way before you can act that way. Those therapists claim that it works the other way around too. You can act loving until you feel loving etc.
  • Reply #8 08/24/08  12:15pm
    The first time I told the Dr about what was goig on she said to me, He is into porn, too. I said No. I did not know he was. I knew he looked at some soft porn stuff via e-mail.... but I did not realize that was a problem. It is! I asked him to delete all the PICs off his comp. and if he got more to not save or go back to them, and not to seek out any porn.I told him how it made me feel disrepected and........ He did all this for me and has not gone back to it. It made a BIG difference in his approach to me. More realistic ??
  • Reply #9 08/25/08  2:22am
    I just wanted to add that I totally know what you mean when you say that you feel like you're in a competition. I am struggling with this quite a bit. I hate it, and it's one of the roughest parts of rebuilding.
  • Reply #10 08/26/08  10:23pm
    Oh yeah, I know that competition feeling too. I do feel very dirty when we are intimate and sometimes I cannot help but to cry. Like one woman here mentioned, I feel like there are 3 of us there instead of the two of us. I wonder if her is thinking about her when he is with me. I wonder what she did that was so great that he did not even want me. I am sorry that this is no help, but all I can say is that I have been there and I am still going thru it with this. There are very rare moments when I can resist thinking about him being with her and touching her the same way he touched me. There are very rare moments when I can actually believe he really wants me instead of just wanting sex.

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