clutter

My prayers:

Posted on 01/03/09, 04:19 pm

New thread. Got tired of looking at my knee thing.

I see life all around me, Chief. I don't feel a part of it. Which is stupid I guess. Even as I say it, I doubt that I really feel that way. I'm just creating it. You see on the inside. Then what do you see? You are so quiet. So hidden. Are you everywhere and I don't have eyes? Something makes me think that's so. That you GIVE eyes to some and not to others because you want the contrast to show. You paint with contrast and your music compositions have to have slow sustained notes to compliment the quick happy ones. That this somehow defines what life is and maybe we just have to be OK with being the contrast. That's why I can't picture heaven without conflict. Without the shadows. How do you distinguish one thing from another? I give up trying to understand. It is what it is. I don't know and I never will. Unless you show me. Just onward. I'm pulled along anyway whether I want to be or not. So onward.

• Reply #1 01/05/09  7:49pm
  
  clutter
  For the millionth time, Chief, I am trying! I feel like you are staring at me sometimes and holding me accountable for everything I ever did or didn't do. I know it's the mental illness. I know. But it doesn't feel like it. It feels like you are judging me harshly. Nevermind. It's all in my head anyhow. I don't know you or understand you and that is the only certainty I have. You are wild and unpredictable like standing in a hurricane, a fire, an earthquake trying to catch hold of you and you aren't even there. Then, if I listen to the still small voices or the silence, I can't hear you then either. You want us to search, that much is obvious. But when we do,... when I do... I'd appreciate some feedback. It's murky in here.
• Reply #2 01/08/09  2:18pm
  
  clutter
  This dark place can't be where you want me. Where do you want me?
• Reply #3 01/09/09  7:36pm
  
  clutter
  Chief, if there's going to be something you want me to address, bring it on now. Let it crash down. I want to know and I want to be here with it. If I know, then I'm confident. It's the not knowing that's driving me insane. I want to deal with it now. Really want to. I'm here.
• Reply #4 01/11/09  11:33pm
  
  clutter
  Forgive me for giving advice I don't want to take. Forgive me for being sarcastic with others. Maybe I should just stay off the ED board. Maybe it's just a good idea, Chief. I get so frustrated with it. I hope sometimes that you guide what I say and it isn't just all a big mistake. Forgive me when I say nothing. Help me to stop doing the things I tell others to stop doing. I'm hanging on with what's left of dignity and it's not that much, Chief. Silence is looking better and better.
• Reply #5 01/15/09  10:28pm
  
  clutter
  So this is a thank you for being a little manic. Me, I mean. It does feel so much better than the depression. Even this mild form of it. I can only imagine what it's like to really experience it. Like drugs. Like a high. My daily existence seems so surreal sometimes, but I know that it's just life and I wish I could hold onto that knowledge. It's OK, though. Whatever you have to tell me. I want to try to listen and I want to learn. I want to be led.. at least today I do.
• Reply #6 01/16/09  9:47am
  
  clutter
  Praying today for angry little girls. Praying for clarity and the ability to identify my own feelings as well as those of my children. The right balance. Praying for friends here and in my world that each receives what is right and proper. Don't stay too hidden, Chief. It wreaks havoc with our faith.
• Reply #7 01/17/09  8:05pm
  
  clutter
  If you want me to know something, Chief, you will have to shake me. You'll have to shout it out and point to it so I can't miss it. I need that sometimes. I can't see this clearly and I want to do what's best. Help me do what is best.
• Reply #8 01/18/09  3:02am
  
  ponder44
  Yes me too Boss, Im always asking you to help me get stronger and well again, I have even promised that
  I could be a better person and go and do something useful with my sorry backside.
  I could go to the shelter and give my time free on community projects.
  I could be less stresses all the time.
  I just want a sign sometimes that things are going to be alright again!! you know, I don't need a miracle
  just a little sign, even if its the light bulbs blowing, you know?
• Reply #9 01/19/09  7:28pm
  
  clutter
  I want things to work, but I also want to be heard. I need to feel the full force of this if it's going to be noticed, I think. I don't have much faith in the mental health system, Chief. Not much at all. Therapists are so individualistic, I hardly know if what I'm experiencing is right. But I do have the sense that you led me to this psychiatrist for good or ill. I need to convey what's in my mind and spirit. I feel tremendous guilt for doing this introspective bull. I feel you'll disapprove of me. People are hungry and suffering and I spend my money on myself like this. Are you angry with me? Do you hate me? Do you hate us all?
• Reply #10 01/20/09  2:19am
  
  ponder44
  
  God doesn't hate us, "God is Love" perhaps the hard thing is learning not to hate ourselves and thinking that
  it is him? Why should you feel guilty for being so ill, and looking at your problems and trying to figure them out? There are worse things in the World. Mr Bush thinks that he has a direct line to God and can actually talks to him, and yet he goes and bombs and kills innocent people, now that is something to feel guilty about.
  
  You are an innocent, there is no blood on your hands, just the strain of being a good Mom and Wife.
  ( Didn't mean to sound political on this, just wanted to make a point) Dave x

Take time to write out your prayers. None will be turned away. God can take it.