Discussion Topic
Relationship Quiz: Am I In An Abusive Relationship?
Posted on 08/18/09, 08:18 amInstructions:
Enter the number of points next to each question depending on the severity of each item:
Never: 0 points
Rarely: 1 point
Sometimes: 2 points
Frequently: 3 points
__ My partner teases me in a hurtful way in private or in public
__ My partner calls me names such as "stupid" or "bitch"
__ My partner acts jealous of my friends, family, or co-workers
__ My partner gets angry about clothes I wear or how I style my hair
__ My partner checks up on me by calling, driving by, or getting someone else to
__ My partner insists on knowing who I talk to on the phone
__ My partner blames me for their problems or bad mood
__ My partner gets angry easily, leaving me walking on eggshells
__ My partner throws or destroys things when angry
__ My partner hits walls, drives dangerously or does other things to scare me
__ My partner drinks excessively or uses drugs
__ My partner insists that I drink or use drugs whenever they do
__ My partner accuses me of being interested in someone else
__ My partner reads my mail, goes thru my personal space/items (ie. purse)
__ My partner keeps me from getting a job or finds ways to cause problems at my job
__ My partner keeps money from me, keeps me in debt, or has "money secrets"
__ My partner sold my car, made me give up my license, or won't repair my car
__ My partner has threatened to hurt me
__ My partner has threatened to hurt my children
__ My partner has actually hurt my children
__ My partner has threatened to hurt my pets
__ My partner has actually hurt my pets
__ My partner has threatened to hurt my friends or family
__ My partner has hurt a friend or family member
__ My partner has threatened to commit suicide if I leave
__ My partner has struck me with hands or feet - slapped, punched, kicked
__ My partner has struck me with an object or threatened me with a weapon
__ My partner has given me visible injuries - bruises, welts, cuts
__ I have had to administer first aid to myself due to injuries from my partner
__ My injuries have been serious enough to seek treatment - doctor, hospital, clinic, paramedic
__ My partner forces me to have sex when I don't want to
__ My partner forces me to have sex in ways that I don't want to
__ My partner has been in trouble with the police
__ My partner acts one way in front of others, and another way when we are alone
__ My partner is secretive or lies about past relationships
__ I feel isolated and alone and have no one I can really talk to
__ I have lost friends because of my partner/partner's actions
__ I no longer see some of my family because of my partner
__ I have thought about calling the police because of an incident of violence
__ I have actually called the police on one or more occasions
__ I am afraid to call the police because of threats from my partner
_____ TOTAL POINTS
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0-17: Generally Non-abusive
These are likely to be the sorts of strains that are not unusual in relationships. Do NOT, however, make the mistake of brushing off any incident of violence or threat of violence, no matter how isolated!
18-58: Moderately Abusive
This is a home experiencing some violence at least once in a while. It may be that this is a relationship where violence is just beginning. In a new relationship there is good reason to expect it will eventually escalate into more serious forms and may occur more frequently.
59-95: Seriously Abusive
Scores in this range indicate a seriously abusive relationship that can, under outside pressure, or with the sudden strain of a family emergency, move into the dangerously severe range. Serious injury is quite probable if it has not already occurred. Please consider getting help, even leaving.
96 and up: Dangerously Abusive
If you scored in the top range, you need to consider even more seriously the option of leaving, at least temporarily, while you consider your next move. The violence will not take care of itself or miraculously disappear. Over time the chances are very good that your life and/or the lives of your children will be in danger.
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Reply #1 08/18/09 7:32pm
Howdo I take this quiz? -
Reply #2 08/18/09 9:35pm
you have to use a seperate piece of paper to tally up your scores... -
Reply #3 08/24/09 10:32am
this is a great resource, Khabri. Thank you! -
Reply #4 08/24/09 11:48am
what a great idea !x -
Reply #5 08/24/09 1:03pm
the abuse I experienced was so covert, so subtle and ambient it doesnt even really score on that quiz, so throughout the relationship I was eroding more and more like an abused spouse does, but couldnt nail it on anything...and he would just keep telling me *I* was the one with the problem
would you mind if I put up a quiz later tonight on narcissistic abuse? -
Reply #6 08/25/09 5:30am
feel free to pass this on -
Reply #7 08/26/09 8:02am
no, I mean would you mind if I posted a narcissistic abuse quiz up here? -
Reply #8 08/31/09 10:15am
I went through those Questions, and answered them as thoroughly as my Memory could recall... and definitely completely honestly. I came up with a Total Score of 22 for My Current Relationship. Is that a Red Flag that I should really Think about ? And Be Concerned ? I don't want to think that I simply left One Abusive Relationship for Another. I don't want to do that. Life is too Precious, and I've wasted TOO Much Time with Abusive Men in My Past as it is. One of those Questions did JUMP out at Me the Most, and it definitely worries Me... so maybe I do have something I need to think about. The Question was " Did Your Partner Threaten to commit Suicide IF You Leave Them ? ". The Answer to that was a definite YES in My Case. He didn't even hesitate to come right out and say that without ME in His Life He would NOT want to continue... that He wouldn't see the Point of Living after that. He tried to back-peddle a bit, and tried to say that He would NOT blame Me... BUT obviously, that's the ENTIRE POINT of this ! He's Using that as a Way of saying that IF He EVER did kill Himself, AFTER We broke Up, that it WOULD BE MY FAULT ! I told Him that that's NOT RIGHT... and NOT FAIR of Him AT ALL to say those things to Me ! But, no matter what I said, He just shrugged it off, and insisted that He would do it !
WHAT do You do with Someone like this ????? I don't want to think that I'm keeping Him here with Me out of Pity, BUT HOW can I not wonder that when He's made that Threat to Me more than Once so far !?!?! -
Reply #9 09/01/09 12:39am
Honestly, I would look at these as red flags. Often abuse is subtle. Try and find more research. There are a lot of articles in the news section of this site as well as our resource library on abusesurvivors.ning.com site.
Honestly it sounds like he is controlling you emotionally. Abuse is really about power and control I think his threat to commit suicide may be empty but even if he does it would be his ultimate decision and you are not to blame for his thoughts and behaviors. You can not control him.
You can not change him. Nor will he change unless he wants to change.
What would I do? I would find a way to leave. That being said its not that easy to just up and leave. I know there are a myriad of reasons why we don't all just leave. Find what those are so when you are ready to make a decision either way you will be better prepared to overcome them.
So many reasons kept me with my ex including financial, emotional, feelings of unworthyness, self hatred, and feeling like maybe everyone would be better off without me anyways.
I too stayed with him out of self-pity. But he used me, controlled me, raped me. yet i stayed. I tried looking at the positive. I tried and tried everything but NOTHING pleased him. NOTHING made him happy.
I finally realized after the relationship had ended that I CAN NOT MAKE someone else feel happy, sad, angry. I can only control MY own behaviors and we NEVER EVER deserve to be hit, or abused.
YOU don't deserve to be abused.
YOU are not to blame if he commits suicide to punish you. Thats controlling and manipulative, and yes some people do this and the victims end up blaming themselves for something that is not their fault.
My ex also threatened to kill himself at one point but not as often as he threatened to kill me and put me 6' under. -
Reply #10 09/01/09 12:40am
Phoenix, please feel free to post that quiz. I want to see if my dad would be on there... and my ex. Where did you find it?
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