mom4

Tantrums and Meltdowns

Posted on 04/27/08, 06:28 pm

I would love some creative or new Ideas on how to deal with my sons tantrums and meltdowns without having a meltdown myself. I get so frustrated sometimes, there has to be a better way to cope with them.
Any body have any Ideas that work?

• Reply #1 04/28/08  5:52pm
  
  ABCmommy
  I have no idea how to deal with tantrums besides send them/put them in their rooms to cool down. My 3 year olds are huge on the power struggle thing right now.. LOL As another question to yours, Does anyone know any ways to get a child that just refuses to talk when they don't get their way or communicate anything besides, "I'm fine, or nothing" I can roar to get over my kids screaming and yelling, tossing themselves down on the ground, but when my step-girlie holds it in is what really drives me nuts. I grew up with a dad that wanted complete silence and no crying or fits, so I know how holding your feelings is can really mess up your mind and I don't want her to end up like me. Cause at one point, all that anger just makes ya snap and I'd rather that part not happen.. ::LOVES & thanks for the invite, Mom!!
• Reply #2 04/28/08  8:21pm
  
  CLH4
  I found that as long as they are not in harms way or destroying things that if you just ignore them they seem to calm down much quicker. My son is famous for throwing pillows so once he calms down he is willing to pick up the pillows and talk. We also put a punching bag in his room so that he can punch that to get his frustrations out instead of us.
• Reply #3 04/28/08  9:53pm
  
  Lilliebird
  I have read before about the punching bag thing, it is an interesting idea. I also read if you have multiple children to get each their own and put their name on it....I guess it is about channeling the anger, allowing them to get it out without hurting anyone. It is something to think about....
• Reply #4 04/28/08  11:51pm
  
  mom4
  I was Talking to my husband about getting a punching bag for Jacob.Maybe if he had that to hit he wouldnt want to pound on himself or destroy things in his room, like the window he smashed with his head, the bedroom door he broke, the dresser........The destruction and that blood curdling screaming rage is kind of scary at times, and to be honest mom's.....It scares the crap out of me sometimes. I worry what he is going to be like if we dont get a handle on the rage and the anger. He is already 90 pds at the age of 8. He is also EXACTLY 1 foot shorter than me now. I mean holy crap, by the time he is 12 or 13 he'll be towering over me...and I have heard where children have hit and beat up their parents. That is a major concern of mine as this boy grows to be a man........
• Reply #5 04/28/08  11:57pm
  
  Lilliebird
  I wish there was an easy fix. Your discription of your son physically is almost exactly to my step son. I too have feared that he would hurt someone (specially the baby) but it has seemed lately since the med change he is not so violent. Again, my situation is a bit different we only have him on the weekend. I hope someone else will have some more advice to help you out. My heart breaks for you because I feel the love and flustration you have all at the same time, and having other children in the house, I can only imagine how difficult it can be.
• Reply #6 04/29/08  10:41am
  
  triciah
  You could try punching or squeezing pillows... but here's the thing, you can't implement it when he's in a rage. You have to give it to him and 'practice' using it. Then, when he's frustrated but not angry, you can try giving it to him to sqeeze or punch. My son likes squeezes (sqeezing his shoulders down to his hands slowly, like a massage) sometimes when he's frustrated. If I see him getting that face, i'll ask him and sometimes, he'll say yes. This can diffuse the situation. But you can't force it on him.
  I actually find that when my son starts to melt, that's when I'm my coolest because I KNOW he has no control over his actions at this time. He's lost all composure and I just breathe, and be as calm a possible to show him what I want him to be. I call it my "Zen" state.
  
  
  Maybe try journalling when he gets tantrums and what is the catalyst... The best way to deal with tantrums is to cut them off before they get to be tantrums. What are his triggers? My son has serious trouble with transitions and with changes in routine. So we try to give him updates and go over each day's schedule so he knows what to expect. He also has trouble sharing with his sister, so we try to mediate between them. If you can isolate the triggers, we can all brainstorm some solutions...
  Take it easy.
• Reply #7 04/29/08  12:50pm
  
  mom4
  I definitely see where practicing before it actually happens would be necessary. The problem with Jacob is he can tell you what he SHOULD do in situations but when it happens he blanks out. It is like it is a verbal thing with him not an action. Does that make sense?? Jacob doesnt have a set trigger, it can be anything at any time over anything.Sometimes I can get him calmed down before it gets too out of hand, sometimes not.
  I give you credit for finding your ZEN state as you call it :)
  I find my self getting worked up and upset when he is in the midst of a meltdown. I usually have to walk away and let him work it out and stay away for a bit and calm myself. I am not proud of the fact that I get upset but I am doing the best I can and I think staying away and calming down myself is the best thing I can do.
  Jacob does not do well with change either, or with sharing, or with waiting, and the list goes on.........
  I need to try the pillow or punching bag thing.....I think We will start to implement this this week.
  
• Reply #8 05/19/08  8:43pm
  
  aikijedi
  mom4, in one of the other posts, I recommended a book to you... 1,2,3 magic by phelan, so since I talked about it there, I won't go into all that again. Suffice it to say, the technique is wonderful for nipping things BEFORE they become an exhaustive meltdown. Now don't take offense at this comparison please, but if you have ever watched the dog whisperer, he talks about catching the first nuances of the behavior that needs correction BEFORE it gets to a level 3 or 5 or 10 in intensity. Granted, we can't prevent some things, and even the beginning phase of the 1,2,3 magic technique poses a challenge of tantrums and meltdowns because the child resists the new method... but if you stick to it as dr. phelan describes, it will work. It may not be the instant fix which we would pray for, and like taking a bitter tonic for a sickness, the symptoms could appear to worsen initially, but that is actually an indicator that it is working. If it weren't effective, they wouldn't resist it with their heels so fiercely planted.
  
  Also I want to commend you for your honesty. Many people aren't so brave as to admit that they are handling the stresses of parenting badly and getting sucked into the exchange. Admitting it is the first step toward changing it. Forgive yourself for letting yourself get pulled in emotionally, and do what you can to work through your emotions about the whole thing on your own, so that your sensitivity can be somewhat diffused and your own emotional state can be more balanced, which will then offer a model.
  
  I know first hand that your emotional reactivity (if I may assume that you are like me, as it sounds) is the result of the pressure you put on yourself to be a good parent. The fact that you care makes you vulnerable, and the fact that your child has issues is something that you are likely taking as a reflection of who you are, what you have done wrong, and is a measurement of your success as a mother. I want to encourage you to work through this, if I have nailed it, with a professional therapist. I will tell you, my family counselor has been indispensible for helping me to come to grips with the fact that the mistakes I have made can not be corrected while I am still attacking myself with the guilt that they produce. I have had to work very hard toward forgiving myself for the learning curve of parenting, realizing that if I continue to harbor these feelings, I only threaten my future success, and keep myself anchored in a sense of failure which is beneath my own standard. I know that your standard is high because you have dared to be honest at the expense of what others might think of your reactions, in the interest of seeking solutions.
  
  The key to meltdowns is to find that place in yourself which allows you to not be moved by the meltdown of another. You might explore hypnosis therapy. But I think the key is to secure his room so that he can't hurt himself, by whatever means you can... anchoring furniture to the wall studs, removing breakables, barricading windows with tall furniture that blocks them (tall book cases anchored to the studs, in front of windows)... and most especially, when he is melting down, if you are able to remain calm, you can tell him that it is ok for him to go and work through this on his own. Just giving him permission to work through it will send him the message that he is empowered, whereas sending him the message that it isn't ok to freak out will only add to the sense that something is 'wrong' with him, and add to his frustration.
  
  When I was little, I had a very hard time with controlling my emotions, but I was blessed to have my mom be very consistant in her approach to this.. I now know that she was doing all she could to not show that she was essentially speaking through clenched teeth... but if I was screaming, she would tell me that I was welcome to do my screaming in my room and then come back when I was done. She was of course ESCORTING me there... but the wisdom was in the fact that she was sending me a message that it was ok for me to work through my emotions, provided it was within the privacy of my own space, not invading the common areas. I really appreciate that she was able to let me know that it was ok... and I know that it took great control on her part to conceal the struggle that she was having internally, wrestling with the temptation to just "give me whatfor," so to speak.
• Reply #9 05/21/08  9:39am
  
  triciah
  aikijedi I'm SO with you on the dog whisperer reference. I've been TOTALLY thinking the same thing, but kind of afraid to comment on it. It's the same ideas with diff techniques! Thanks for voicing my thoughts.
• Reply #10 06/22/08  9:40pm
  
  Moonshowers
  My son, now 10, as a toddler had aweful tantrums. His face would turn almost purple and sweat like crazy. He used to bite my daycare kids until I had to shut it down. I found overalls to be my best friend. Not that he wore them everyday....but when he did....I just grab him by the back of them & remove him from the situation.I think every parent should own lots of overalls.As far as the rest of the time...I am at a loss. It is like fighting with the devil.

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