New and ANGRYPosted on 06/20/10, 07:28 am
My son seems to be handling everything well so far. He doesn't want to talk about it any further and did tell me that he doesn't want to be around his cousin. He doesn't want him to hurt or bother him anymore.
I am a totally disaster. The day after finding out I went to our family doctor to tell him everything that happened. I was such a wreck that he actually gave me meds to calm me down and help me get through the next couple of days. He explained to me that it is normal for boys that age to do the whole you show me mine I'll show you yours stuff but that my nephew crossed the line when it got to oral sex. My nephew made my son touch him and suck on his penis. He threatened to kill my son if he told us. After a couple of episodes it turned to him do oral sex on my son. Just typing this I'm hysterical. My poor sweet baby, he is such a sweet loving boy and it terrifies me that this could destroy his life. How could this be going on for the past couple of months and we didn't know?
The worst part about this situation is my in laws. They live with us (in law suite) and watch my nephew a couple days a week. Yesterday my mother in law told me that my sister in law called her pediatrician and he told her that this was normal behavior. I almost fell over - my husband thinks that she probably didn't tell him everything that happened. Than my mother in law tells me that my father in law still wants everyone to go out to dinner for fathers day. WHAT????? What part of my son doesn't want to be around his cousin are they not getting. My father in law does not like confrontation and is trying to sweep everything under the rug.
Than there's my husband. He is handling this way to well. But I can see it starting to cause a rift between us. At first he didn't think that my son would need counceling. I think he's coming around now. He told me last night after I had gotten upset again that I needed to just "get over this". I can't just get over this. Everytime I look at my son my heart breaks. I know that my it's so hard for my husband because this is his sisters son.
I'm taking my son to get counceling. I'm trying to keep everything all normal for him. I'm leaving the room if I feel myself getting upset so he doesn't see how it's affecting me. But I just don't know if I'm handling everything the way it should be. I don't want to see my nephew, I don't want him coming over here. I told my husband that he needs to tell his parents that he is not to be here. My husband said that he can't do that because 1/3 of the house is theirs. We can't sell our house right now because we will lose money and can't afford to do that. My thought is if they cared about my sons feelings they would just watch him at his own house and not bring him here. Doesn't look like that's going to happen, the day after we all found out they picked him up from camp, brought him back here. He stayed downstairs the whole time but I was furious that he was here.
Has anyone else been in the same situation? Any words of advice as to how I should be handling this would be greatly appreciated. I'm so grateful to have found this forum. And if you have made it to the end of my rambling rant - bless you!
Reply #1 06/20/10 10:33am
I can't relate to the exact situation, but I know what it feels like to feel like your husband is handling it way to well. I am collapsing daily about it, and he gets up, goes to work, and seems so strong. I know he feels horrible inside, just is trying to keep it together for our family. Finally a couple of nights I lashed out at him about how "strong" he seemed. He said that he couldn't go there. Once he got going on the anger he was feeling, he would be on a downward spiral and a monster would form. I understand now he knows the depth this trajedy could make him change. Maybe your husband is just trying to prevent this too. I didn't lose a "family" but we did lose our church family. (My son was assaulted in the church bathroom by an adult who "helped him go potty.") This loss is huge to us. We worked hard to serve and get connected there. My son was dedicated in this church. This was a place we wanted our children to love to come and feel safe. ALL our friends go there and everyone is wondering where we are. The investigation is just wrapping up (they are doing NOTHING!) and we are just lost knowing where to go. I would so strongly urge you to do therapy. We are doing play therapy.
My son is almost 3 so he won't sit and talk to a conselor. Each time he has brought it up, he has been distracted by playing.
THey do this for older kids too, with pool, ball, ping pong, ect. Just a way to get aggression and feelings out while playing.
I hope you and your husband can do something together to.
The best advice we got is "you tow will process totally different, but you have to DEAL together. This will ripp your marriage apart." So know we respect that he might need to be silent, while I need to sob at the drop of a hat. We just started couples counseling with a therapist who specializes in this type of crime. We understand that we are ALL victims in this. You are too, sweet mother. You are a victim of sexual assault. So is your hurting husband, FOr some reason I feel your nephew is too. Someone must have taught him how to do this too. It is a nasty cycle.
As a mother who is in week 4 after the assualt- the only advice I can give is to remember how you have been hurt, don't belittle that. IT is so painful to feel your childs innocence was taken from him.
Get help, journey this with your husband. I know you are lost. So I am. Just don't give up when it seems too much. Some day your son will be an amazing man because of the stregnth you and your husband showed him. That is what I cling to. Here is a big HUG from me!
Reply #2 06/20/10 11:59am
I, too, am not in your particular situation. I do know that counseling worked for my daughter. She has come full circle, after 20 months in it, they said there is nothing else they can do for her, she's a healthy, happy 10 year old now as opposed to the angry, hurt, despairing, violent child she was before she came out with the truth. Prayer is a big thing. It's hard to keep it out of your mind, I'd say just about impossible. There is not a day that goes by I don't think about it. I wish you luck and I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers. You are strong, your child, your family...is strong. Your husband may just have to deal with it in his own way, just like you do. Know that when you cry though, you are not crying alone. I think we all shed a tear when someone new shows up. It stinks to meet like this.
Reply #3 06/20/10 1:57pm
What is the cousins mother saying? she should be understanding in not allowing her son back at your house. And yes, he learned it somewhere. Is he being sexually abused? Counseling is important for as many of you as will go....husband, sister, kids, grandparents. So everyone can be educated and heal, and process. It seems impossible that you can avoid your nephew for the rest of your life....but maybe he needs some sort of treatment facility. Are there other victims? I am so sorry.....i would be reacting the same way as you. :(
Reply #4 06/20/10 4:15pm
my sister in law isn't saying anything. When I first found them in a closet and overheard my nephew tell my son to just lay down and take his pants off she was called at work, came over and talked to him. On her way to leave she was informed me that he claims nothing ever happened and nothing has ever happened.
My nephew def has some serious issues. He always has. My husband and I have been telling her for 2 years that he should be getting some kind of help. Since he was a baby he's always been an angry child. He's a bully all of his cousins, he steals, he lies and I've never trusted him. Whenever he is here and my in'laws are suppose to watching him, I seem to do all the watching. I'm on him like a hawk. I don't understand how this could happen. I do feel for him and care about him. But my instinct is to protect my own child and to hell with him right now. So far he's denying everything, but the in the same breath blaming all the men in the family. He's included my 18 year old son in this.
I feel like my head is going to explode - I have seriously thought of taking the kids and leaving. My husband and I have been together for 14 years, we have such a strong relationship I just can't bear the thought of leaving him.
Thank you for all your replies. I can't tell you how wonderful it feels to vent and talk to women who understand how I'm feeling!
Reply #5 06/21/10 9:26am
I truly believe the 10 year old is being abused also, he needs help, but you are so right in protecting your son, he comes first. Your sister in law seems to be in severe denial, like so many family members are unfortanately. Could your husband talk to his sister? I dont believe this is normal childhood curiosity your dr is mistaken. Please find a good councelor. I would talk with your husband about reporting your nephew it may help him in the long run, but be ready for a fight with the family. Your in my prayers.
Reply #6 06/21/10 10:57am
It was actually my sister in laws doctor that told her that her sons behavior is normal. We are scared for him that she's not going to take him to a therapist to get help. We did decide last night that if she hasn't - we are going to tell her that we are going to report him. We also think that someone must have done this to him for him to do this to my son.
I was also informed last night that my sister in law is coming over here today to cut my in laws hair. I'm so upset and frustrated with them. My husband has told them that we don't want any contact, we don't want her son over here till we have our son in therapy and he's comfortable seeing his cousin. My son told me friday night that he doesn't want to see him. His actual words were "I don't want him to bother or hurt me anymore".
Reply #7 06/21/10 11:13am
Oh, I am so sorry you have to deal with this. I am not in exactly the same situation, but I understand the constant hurt of looking at your child and knowing what happened. It is totally heart-breaking. It is good that you have your son in counselling. If any way possible, you and your husband should go too. The counsellor can help you communicate your expectations in how to deal with the situation then reach a healthy compromise without upsetting each other too much. Know that he will have to deal with things in his own way, the way that you will have to deal with things in your own way. But this type of thing is total hell on a marriage, so you must be strong in this together. Remind your son he did nothing wrong and you are glad he told so you can make sure it stops.
When they are 10 and 7, it becomes a whole lot more complicated. Unfortunately, almost no prosecutor would take that on as a criminal case. That is a difficult age, they will be naturally curious, and their maturity level is very questionable. BUT when the line was crossed into oral sex, one big concern is where did the 10-year old learn that behavior. It is very possible that he was abused and is now acting out. Your son became his victim and you have every right to be concerned and to protect your child no matter what the cost. Is there a way to lock your in-laws out of "your" part of the house? Could you make some sort of arrangement where they can't bring him over during certain times? Perhaps get your Child Protective Services involved if they refuse to help keep him away from your son. I (personally) would do everything in my power to keep the two boys away from each other even if you have to take him to another room and play games or watch TV with him while the inlaws are there with the other boy. At least until he is well into counselling, and even then I would discuss it with his counsellor before hand. My heart goes out to you. Stay strong and remember to breathe. My thoughts and prayers are with you.
Reply #8 06/21/10 5:30pm
Your sister in law may have not told the doctor the truth in what your nephew did. I agree Child protective services should be involved. It is so incredibly painful when its a family member, it seems like sides are taken and it destroys so many relationships. Be strong, your first priority is to your son.
This group is for parents whose children have been sexually abused. We welcome both Mothers and Fathers. Here, we can offer support to one another. We can vent, cry and lift each other up. No condemning or criticizing allowed. We are here for support. We LOVE (((HUGS))) !