Discussion Topic

New here..My son has been sexually abusing his younger brothers!

Posted on 01/11/10, 05:38 pm
Hi,
I am very thankful first off, to find a website like this and secondly, sad to see that so many of us have "joined" this new and not asked for league.
I am a married mom of three sons, ages 13, 9 and 6. My husband and I always felt we had quite a "grip" on our lives..until one night before New Years. My husband was already in bed when I went upstairs and witnessed something beyond a parents' nightmare. Our oldest son, 12 at this time, had our youngest 6 yr old son performing oral sex on him. My first reaction, which I am proud of was to tell the oldest to GET OUT right then..and then I spoke to our youngest, who was petrified, to say the least. It was confirmed, however..we thought maybe that was it and the only time ( blinders, I now know). That night I could ot sleep and had our oldest on the floor in our room, I researched and called a hotline. Thank god..and the next morning spoke with Cathy. At this point she informed me that it had to be reported...I cried..I cried for so many reasons and never had felt so alone in my entire life.
After some calls etc..it was time for the interviews..our two youngest sons were first with the detective..then my turn and I could never of prepared myself for what he was about to tell me. Yes, it was going on for years, little over three yrs, yes, there was oral, yes penetration and yes the younger ones had said no at times. How to go on?? Worst parents nightmare..next day our oldest interview..the detective couldnt wait for this.. Our son showed absolutely no signs of remorse, neither much emotion either, we were also told that his interview ( which was taped) was going to be sent to another DA for an opinion..He may just be charged. Right now we have an alarm on his bedroom door and DO NOT let him alone with his youngr brothers. We are awaiting the calls to start therapy asap and the two younger ones will require a physical:( What does a parent/parents do here?? I think our oldest son has a mental illness, on top of this..the last 6 months or so he is nasty, lies etc and now tells us that he should be charged, he wants to live somewhere else..yet has NO concept of what he has done to this family. I feel lost, I need medication and do not know where to turn anymore. Can't tell my friends..please any advice..
Showing 4 Replies
  • Reply #1 01/11/10  11:42pm
    I am not sure how much help I can be. I am so sorry for what you are going through and if you ever need to just vent or talk or what not, do not hestitate to contact me. My daughter (14 at the time and son 12 at the time) sexually acted out together. It was not the same situation as yours, as my daughter was abused by her father and both kids were sexualized and traumatized and the reasons for the behavior fairly obvious. However, it does not make it any easier to accept or deal with. No matter the circumstances this is always a tragedy and leaves you very isolated as there are few you can even talk to about the situation without judgement. If you would like to contact me, I can share my experiences more in depth. Both my kids were listed as perpetrator and victim in our situation, so I am a little familiar with both sides and how things have progressed for us over the last year or so.

    Remember to keep your faith and to take one day, one hour, one minute at a time as necessary. Even if slow, healing does start to come.

    K
  • Reply #2 01/14/10  2:44am
    What a horrible ordeal! I'm glad you found us; I just wish you didn't need to. You are right about how the world comes crashing down. Your children being sexually abused is horrific enough; when your own child is the perpetrator, you suffer an indescribable pain.

    It sounds like you are taking all sorts of important steps. When my son disclosed what his older brother had done to him, it was a few years in the past, and his older brother was out of the home. But our shock was still overwhelming.

    One of the best things we did was start therapy. The son who had been molested was over 18, so there was no report to Child Protective Services. More details came out. My son gave the therapist permission to tell us everything they talked about. That was his own idea.

    We had to question the other children. It was devastating to them.

    Right now you are living the worst of it. It will not always be this bad.
  • Reply #3 01/14/10  10:50am
    This morning, I woke up thinking about your situation andpraying for you. How I wish there was some way to lighten your burden!

    Two things struck me:

    1. Your son was very young when he started abusing his brothers. I think it's important to find out what gave him the idea to do this? Was he exposed to porn? Did someone molest him? Something happened to sexualize him at such a young age.

    2. I'm surprised he is still in your home. Friends of mine who went through a similar thing were given a choice by CPS: either the perpetrator had to be removed from their home, or all the other minor children would be removed. Their oldest son was immediately removed and placed in a residential treatment program.

    During the course of family therapy, it came out that my oldest son had attempted to molest other siblings. Our therapist had to report one incident. Because it was ten years in the past and because our oldest son is out of the home and we do not allow any contact between him and our minor children, CPS closed their investigation without questioning our children, requiring physical exams, etc. We were told that CPS would not consider our children to be safe if the perpetrator was still in our home, allowed overnight visits, or allowed any unsupervised contact. We are taking every step possible to keep our children safe. The idea of CPS removing them from our home is too horrible to contemplate. They have already been traumatized far too much.
  • Reply #4 01/15/10  7:15pm
    K and StehtFest~~ Thank You both for your responses, although I am so deeply sorry that you had to experience this nightmare as well:( K..Yes, I would love to talk more and am open to anyway, that you are comfortable with as well. it is so hard to not have anyone to talk to or turn to and I cry so often these days, yet do not want my younger sons to see and think they *did* any of this pain.
    StehtFest~ CPS did not get involved, I was told due to the fact that I called right away the hotline and it was reported etc..although since my son has had another interview with someone else and she too, agrees he did not show much emotion nor remorse etc..she was calling the detective to get his copy of the interview and that was also sent to a prosecutor to listen as well. They "upped his psych eval for this coming wed and we meet with his therapist again tues, he may be charged. I do not know how that even works, or who to ask...the other therapist feels he may have condust disorder, ( he was adopted at 4 months, has very high iq, skipped a grade in school, advanced classes etc) however, seeing him at school with his teachers, friends you'd NEVER know:( I am lost and so saddened, depressed, confused and hurt beyond...They do believe he was seeing porn on the internet, when we thought it was safe, they firmly believe he was not molested..sadly, i thought that would help to make more sense. Thank you so much for the kinds words, reaching out...and prayers....I would love to stay in touch

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