What you have experienced is so deep and dark and twisted and tangled. It is a life time of shit that will not be unraveled in a minute or with a word. There is more here than what you have said and what you have said is more than most people have to deal with in their lifetime. It is a miracle that you are alive. It is amazing that you have survived this long. Even if your coping mechanisms are not the most healthy, you are alive. You are breathing. You are broken and being whole will be a long hard road. The last thing you need is someone else hating you. You hate yourself enough for all of us. I feel guilty too, for the shit that I didn't see, for what happened to my kids. I had a fucked up childhood as well, and have been on and off drugs for years. I had no support from either of my parents. I never learned to say no to a man or a woman and I married a sociopath abusive man who tortured, raped and abused children. My children and every other child he has ever come in contact with. I live with guilt and hate every day. I didn't experience all things that you have but I know what it is like to hurt. I know what guilt is and I know what hate is. I know what pain is and I know what it is like to hate myself. I know how a monster feels too. YOU ARE NOT A MONSTER. You are wounded. You are hurt. You have been almost destroyed, but you are not a monster. How could you have known a goddamn thing. I know it will be hard for you to believe anything anyone else has to say but if you can, try to find a damn good therapist. If you help yourself, your daughter will see that. And she will know, no matter how hard this life is, there is hope. You have a choice and it will be a long hard road but not impossible, just hard. It may take the rest of your life for you to stop feeling the way you do. But it is at least worth trying. And please try to not hurt yourself anymore, you have had your share of hurt. I will keep you in my thoughts.
Discussion Topic
My Story from being abused to marrying and abuser.
Posted on 06/29/12, 09:04 pm
I am terrified to share my story...I am afraid of being hated. How can I expect you not to hate me when I hate myself? I dont know how old I was when my own abuse started. Very young because I dont remember. It started with my step-dad and went on with a baby sitter, a neighbor and my best friends dad. I personally believe that once you have been abused other preditors can sense it. I fell apart, I got into drinking, drugs and sex. Sex mostly cause I did not know how to say "no". I was a daily drinker by the time I was 11 and the first time I got paid for sex I was 12. I looked and acted alot older. I did tell my mom once and she did not kick him out. We had a "family meeting" and they asked me if thats what I wanted...he was crying. So I hated my mom after that and started running away, far away. I wound up in NY, GA, Fl, Iniana and many other places. I would just go to truck stops and of course those guys would take me anywhere I wanted to go and get me all the drugs and alcohol I wanted too...I was about 13. This went on and I wound up attempting suicide, getting pregnant, having an abortion (at 13) and in and out of rehabs. I did get sober for 2 years when I was 16. But I got into a very serious live in relationship with a woman and when I was 18 we broke up for about a week and I went back out. Drinking wasnt enough, I found crack and fell in love. I was a full time prostitute and crack head, never sleeping hardly ever eating. Inevitabley I started having babies. I became a periodic user. I really wanted to get it together for them. I was just a mess. My mom had custidy. I was in and out of jail, rehab,and mental institutions. I gave my 3rd baby up for adoption. That is probably the best thing I have ever done. It was hard and I tried to commit suicide a few more times. Wound up in a horrible mental institution. They sent me to rehab and I met my husband.... It was like a fairy tale. We got sober, got married. I was so happy. When we got married my son was 5 and my daughter was 2. After we got married I had another son. I thought my husband was so perfect. He was very charming but he was also very controling and I have to say I liked it. I was very damanged. I had no problem telling this man that I belonged to him. that he owned me. I was like his slave and that was ok with me. It made me feel safe and secure....Everything he did was so subtle.... I am so ashamed....he had me call him daddy and that was fine with me too cause its like he could look inside me and tell all my thoughts and feelings. I felt like a little kid with him...I never told him no. He did beat me sometimes and accuse me of stuff all the time. I couldnt have any friends He would always think I was sleeping with them. It didnt matter if it was a man or a woman....I dont know when he started abusing my daughter. This is why I cant forgive myself. How could I not have seen it and after hating my mom all that time when I found out I did not make him go. Well I did. I could not leave him...please dont judge me. I could not. but I did get him away from her. We started using again and I knew if we used we would go back to the streets. We were homeless for many years. I did come home here and there to visit always while he was locked up. I have been home now for 5 years but only completely clean for 2. I kept myself completely wasted for years cause I could not deal with any of this. I am full of pain and self hatred. Why didnt I see what he was? I never brought men home. WHY HIM? I watch my daughter and for the most part she has been perfect, good grades never in any trouble. I found a diary and she mentioned the abuse so I tried to talk to her but she shut down. I have tried to get her into counseling but she refused. She went to church and a Christian school her whole life so I thought maybe she was just stronger then I ever was cause of her faith. but I have noticed that she is socially awkward. She is going to college in the fall and she finally broke down. She is depressed and has cut herself, something I noticed right away cause it was one of my coping mecenisms. She finally agreed to go to counseling. She starts Mon. Im so worried about her. How do I ever forgive myself for not protecting her. How do I help her now. Im still such a mess of a person. I have PTSD, because of lots of things not really the childhood stuff. I hardly ever go out. Im HIV positive and have hep C. How can I help her when I still feel so damanged myself? How can I help when its all my fault? How could I have been so blind. How do I stop feeling like a monster.
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Reply #1 06/29/12 10:06pm
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Reply #2 06/29/12 10:37pm
Thank you so much...I did know...for a little while. I got us out as soon as I could. I know I should have called the police. I should have left him. I honestly did not know how. He was like God to me. Maybe I just dealt with it that way cause thats what I saw my mom do...nothing. My mom and step dad are still together. I live here with them. I got my husband out the only way I knew how and that was by leaving myself. But I am here now. I have started and stopped counseling so many times. Right now its hard cause I really have a hard time in the real world. I have flash backs. Im jumpy and terrified in social situations...thank you for talking to me. Sometimes I feel so alone. I feel like I destroyed my daughter. I have been a hooker my whole life (not now, when I was using) Im usta reading men. So many customers wanted me to pretend to be a little girl.....I dont know why I couldnt see it in him and why I couldnt find the courage to make him go away and why I left my family and went with him...I want to reach out and hug my daughter but neither one of us are very huggie. Shes the only reason I still fight to stay sober my boys too but mostly her...I just want to be here for her now. We are pretty close. I keep expecting her to hate me but she loves me. So I just keep holding on to my sanity as hard as I can...cause really if it wasnt for her I think I would stop fighting and just get high so I wouldnt have to feel this way anymore -
Reply #3 06/29/12 11:34pm
We all do what we have to do to survive. I am glad your daughter loves you. Keep fighting, I will talk to you again if you want. -
Reply #4 06/30/12 10:52am
Im glad my daughter loves me too. It makes me feel bad for all the hate I felt towards my mom. I see now she did the best she could with what she knew. Im just so worried that my daughter is going to fall apart when she goes to college. She has been in a very small school her whole life and she picked a college with 27,000 kids. She has been so controlled her whole life. Always doing what she thinks is expected of her...she wont talk to me. I hope she will talk to her counselor. I hope that works better for her than it did for me. I dont really get counseling. I dont know what is supposed to happen. I go there and I talk and talk but then what? I still feel crazy. I still feel like a bad person. I just want to feel a little peace inside. -
Reply #5 06/30/12 2:37pm
Stay connected to stay sober will keep you in my thoughts -
Reply #6 06/30/12 3:54pm
Begin the process of forgiving yourself today! You did the best you could with what you were given. Your daughter still loves you and that should give you all the hope in the world.
I am a survivor just like you and I am also the mom of a survivor ( my 18 yr old daughter). You must heal the PTSD. It can be done-I am doing it and my daughter is too. You have had many, many traumas in your life but that doesn't mean you have to be a victim anymore! You are a hero! You survived! You can heal.
Go online and type in the name Belleruth Naparstek. I have used her CD called Healing Trauma and it has helped me more than anything else. She made it for people just like us. She spent years researching what would work best for trauma victims and she is a Godsend! She also wrote a book called Invisisble Heroes that you could find at the library. A wonderful book to read to help you with your PTSD and healing.
Do this for yourself today- you deserve to be healed and to have a wonderful life. It is NEVER TO LATE! You and your daughter will be in my thoughts and prayers. Hugs, Laura -
Reply #7 07/02/12 3:12pm
I think the others are absolutely right. You need to start forgiving yourself. We are not here to judge you. Everyone copes differently. You were broken, but you did the best you could with what you knew. You have overcome so much more than most of us, and although your choices were not the best for you, you made it through alive. And as long as she still loves you, use her strength and love to find the hope you need to carry on. I think it is amazing you are staying sober for her. That is one of the main things to show her what strength is. WHEN you make it through all of this, your daughter will KNOW she can overcome anything she sets her mind to. Have you tried telling her the stuff you just typed here? The love for your daughter is obvious. Maybe write it to her....pour out the emotion that is so hard to do face-to-face. It may help you sort out your own emotions, and it will be a great way for her to see just how much she means to you. Even if it doesn't seem to make a difference immediately, it will mean the world to her in the future. Just a thought. I'm praying for strength for you both, that you can find the hope, peace, and strength to keep going and find the healing you so need. (((HUGS)))
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This group is for parents whose children have been sexually abused. We welcome both Mothers and Fathers. Here, we can offer support to one another. We can vent, cry and lift each other up. No condemning or criticizing allowed. We are here for support. We LOVE (((HUGS))) !
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