DevastatedM...

Beyond irritated....

Posted on 06/29/12, 01:52 pm

It just pisses me off that SS still gets everything that he freaking wants while my kids have to suffer the consequences of what HE did to them!! My dd has to babysit almost every evening while I work so DH can spend time with SS, since he is NOT allowed in my house. Her summer is being ruined by HIS actions, but I have no other choice because I have to work. DH got fired from his job a couple months ago, and we are barely making it. I'm hoping that when baseball season is over, that maybe things will settle down because it is just getting ridiculous. Dh coaches for SS team so between games and practices, it's every damn night. And now that its tournament week, even when they don't play they are down at the park watching the other teams. It just pisses me off. Then I get on facebook and see pics of where ss stayed the night with friends who have little brothers or sisters. I gurantee you the parents don't know he's molested atleast 3 little kids. It makes me want to make anonymous phone calls, but I know it would come back on me and piss DH off. I guess the step-dad took ss to a wrestling show the other night. WTH!! Why is HE getting to do things and my kids are suffering?? Since this entire thing came out, he has been treated like a fucking god. Even my in laws treat him like a king. My kids can't go out there swimming 90% of the time because SS is there. Hell they can't even go to my kids ball games because ss comes first. There was a chance that SS, DD, and DS all played at the same time time tonight, and it would have been only 30 minutes after I got off work. I was going to have to run home, take DD to one side of town, leave her, take ds to his game which he would be late for, then rush back to get dd. In 100 degree weather. While all the in-laws and DH go watch SS. It's just bull shit. We were supposed to go to court July 11 but it has been postponed again. Not that it matters. He has already gotten away with it. It's been 7 months and no consequence at all. The new prosecutor is going to push for him to be evaluated by another doctor because she doesn't feel like the one he sees is telling the truth. It's a fact he has molested 3 kids, yet the doctor says he's a good kid, with no mental issues, and is pretty much perfect. And he's only seen the damn doctor maybe 6-7 times since December!!!! But the doctor feels like he will never do this again, and he knows what he did was wrong and feels bad for it. Too freaking bad! Atleast she sees what I see. But in the end he will end up with court ordered counseling, maybe probation which won't mean anything with his step-dad being a sheriff, and he will still get to be around little kids whenever he wants. It's sickening that they don't even care.
Thanks for letting me vent....

• Reply #1 06/29/12  1:58pm
  
  DevastatedM...
  Oh to add one more thing. I have to take nerve pills 2x a day because all of this. DH got up this morning nervouse about a damn baseball game tonight and had to take one. It irritates the hell out of me that this is what HE gets nervous about. Not about our kids growing up healthy, about having food on the table, about finding a damn job, which he is not doing. He's not nervous that he got denied for unemployment or that he waited to hear from a friend to sign up to take an assessment test for the best job around here and not can't even take the test until the middle of August, instead of in 2 weeks. NO he is nervous about a damn game. Ahhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
• Reply #2 06/30/12  12:37am
  
  oceanbluze
  Yeah sucks huh, because these a-hole have no real nerves. They have the nerve to mistreat children and that wasn't a problem for them, plus they got off Scott free so they dont worry about consequences or anything else. They have no worries, we have to carry all the burdens work our asses off, counsel our children and everything else why they go on and there biggest worry in the world is a damn game or whether or not they got enough gas in their car.
• Reply #3 06/30/12  4:02pm
  
  Warriormama
  I feel your pain. It is so unfair how he just gets to go on with his life like nothing happened. Your husband needs a swift kick in the butt! My husband picked us over his son because it was the right thing to do! If you dare I would show this response to your husband , he needs a wake-up call. He revictimizes all of you by spending so much time with his son. He isn't sending the right message to anyone. I hope he wakes up before he loses all of you. Hang in there, Laura
  
• Reply #4 07/01/12  3:31am
  
  jennifermom
  You may know my story and I may have replied to an earlier post a while ago, but let me just say again that your husband is actually doing more damage by not holding his son accountable. The only way he can actually have even a chance of getting better and being able to live a productive life is if he gets help now before he gets older. He needs RESIDENTIAL therapy. He needs to be in a place where he gets treatment all day long in various forms. He needs to be where his privileges are taken away and he is faced with taking responsibility for his actions. His dad and his dad's family are only reinforcing the idea that he isn't responsible for his choices and actions. If they truly, TRULY love him they would do the hard stuff - they would take him to a residential treatment center and check him in.
  
  My stepson molested my little girl, and we turned him in the day we found out, and don't regret it at all, but we have also supported him as long as he worked hard and did what he was supposed to do in his treatment. He will NEVER live under my roof again and he will NEVER be alone with my or anyone elses children if I can help it. I am not willing to take that chance that he will reoffend, but we see him separately and our kids know that . My daughter actually misses her brother, at least the part of her brother that was fun and played with her and her little brother. Unfortunately, he won't be allowed to play with them ever again. BUT the residential treatment center helped enormously and he is on the road to recovery and takes responsibility for his actions and knows he earned the consequences and that he will get NO sympathy from us for what he has to go thru. He is definitely a different kid than he was when he was offending. For that we are grateful, but it would never ever have happened if we hadn't forced him to take responsibility and PAY for his actions. Your husband is taking the easy way out instead of doing what is best for him. Please feel free to print this and show it to him. We have been where he is and he is not helping his son. He is hurting him. Hugs, Jen
• Reply #5 07/01/12  10:48am
  
  pkin32904
  I know it is hard to understand how we can still love someone who does horrible things but maybe it is because we have the capacity to love . This is probably before most of your time but I met a mass murderer of young boys sister who still loves him. before he was executed she told him so, I personally never understood it . She said it was because he was still her brother then made up some excuses like her father was strict.. What crap. your children are here now and need protection. they are lucky they have u
  consequences are necessary jennifermom is trying to help her stepson to be a accepted member of society.
• Reply #6 07/03/12  1:34pm
  
  DevastatedM...
  I wanted ss in residential therapy. But mom and step-dad, and even DH after they convinced him, were against it becaue they felt SS would feel abandoned. They were afraid he would try to kill himself and have low self-esteem because of it. I'm not sure if I posted this before but SS supposedely admitted to someone at school that he has tried to kill himself twice. Not because of what he did, but because he can't see his brothers. I called BS right off the bat, but DH actually blamed me for that. Whatever, I'm smart enough to know that it's NOT my fault. Anyways, the residential treatment around here pretty much has to be court ordered, and it won't be. They say they only order that for the really bad cases, where kids have done this multiple times. WTF?? He has done this to all 3 of his younger siblings!! But the first one, his sister at his moms house was never reported, and my autistic son's case was thrown out because he is non-verbal and there was no proof, except SS confession. Makes so much sense to me. So now SS knows he can do it to him again and he won't ever get caught because ds can't talk. And I'm supposed to take that chance. It's crap. I want to put a huge billboard in our town with SS picture saying This kid molests kids, and his parents arent' doing a DAMN thing to help him!! Ahhh!!
  DH won't listen to me. He's always been worried about being ss friend and not his father. He's with him right now. Here we are, broke, and on food stamps now, but he takes ss out to eat for lunch. I told DH the other day to either grow up or get the fuck out. He's not looking for a job, and he's not doing nothing around the house. He wakes up, watches tv, goes to the baseball diamond with ss, then gets home in time for the games. If I'm lucky he will cook dinner when I'm at work. He won't even go to the grocery store because he's embarrassed to use the food stamps, ummm he's the reason we are on them in the first place!! He's just so aggravating. And honestly, now that he is not working, he is worthless to me, except as a babysitter when I work. And even then it's more like DD is babysitting while he's gone or watching tv. And I can tell he is getting jealous of how great she is doing. DD and SS are about the same age, so it has always been a competition betwen them, but now it's worse. DD made all-stars for softball, and SS didn't. So DH is so hard on dd about eveyrthing. He is constantly yelling at her. So on the weekends that I work, I let her stay with a friend so DH is forced to watch they boys, and also so he can't spend all his time with SS. That is bad I know, but it is what is fair to DD.
  Okay, enough for now. Im so glad I have a place like this to vent!
• Reply #7 07/03/12  4:17pm
  
  pkin32904
  Dear devastated do you still have parents? With this and a autistic child you must be exhausted.
• Reply #8 07/03/12  5:47pm
  
  Warriormama
  Oh my God! Your husband isn't even a man in my book. Have you seriously thought about kicking him to the curb?! I am hoping also that you have some extended family on your side who could help you out.
  
  You don't need this man in your life and I think your other children may be better off without him too. Seems like he doesn't really care about them at all. If he did he wouldn't have anything to do with his son. It is easy to see where his selfish behavior comes from, right? The apple didn't fall very far from that family tree!
• Reply #9 07/06/12  1:29am
  
  jennifermom
  You know what, I am the first to say that kids really need both parents, but in your case, I would say that he is not really a parent. He is not protecting, nurturing, providing for his kids or his wife. I agree, he is not a man in my book either. I think you could do better without him. He is not supporting you emotionally and is definitely not supporting the child who was abused yet is emotionally supporting the molester and really making him into a worse predator than he already was. In your case, I think having him around is more damaging to your kids than him being gone. he is undermining your family. Find out what support and assistance there is for you and your kids thru victims assistance, and whatever else you can find and kick him to the curb!! I also agree that his behavior is completely selfish and cold and heartless too, I might add! Hugs, Jen
• Reply #10 07/06/12  11:46am
  
  DevastatedM...
  My family is a complicated situation. My mother is an alcoholic and bi-polar. At this time I'm not speaking to her and she is not in my life. I cannot let her around my kids because of her manipulating ways. I just don't want my kids to grow up in the life that i grew up in. My dad is supportive, but he is busy with his new fiance and gets tired of hearing about my problems honestly. He would do anything to help me financially though. My sister is supportive, but she is going through a nasty divorce herself. That is all I have.
  I have thought about leaving. In fact a month ago, I was really close. I have a plan already set up. I can go live in my dads house whenever I want. My grandmother ( who practically raised me and my sister) passed away almost a year ago, and I have an inheritance that my dad is holding on to. It's quite a bit of money, atleast enough to last a couple years if not more, if I did have to quit working. I would have to let my house go back to the bank, but staying her would not be an option. Had DH not gotten fired, I probably would have left by now. But I know that if I do not help him get his unemployment or a job, if I left he wouldn't follow through with anything. He has his unemployment appeal hearing next week, so hopefully he will get that, and then we can get our bills caught up. But honestly I just feel that as long as I'm with him, I can be in control of my kids not being around SS. If I leave, then he could let them be around each other during visitation. Plus, and I know it sounds like I'm making excuses, but DD real dad hasn't been around since she was 3, so DH is her dad, he has raised her. I don't want her to have issues with having two dads leave her. And my autistic son is doing so good right now, and I know leaving would make things bad. He is not good with change. I know I've painted DH to look like a horrible person, when I'm angry I do that. But in all honesty, he is a good person. Right now he is torn, and feels like he is being asked to give up on his son. He is in denial about what happened. I'm calling our marriage counselor today (we haven't gone in a few years) and I'm going to set up an appt. for atleast me. I really do think that most of my problem is that I don't have anyone to talk to about this, and I hold it in, then I explode and it turns into a huge fight with DH.

This group is for parents whose children have been sexually abused. We welcome both Mothers and Fathers. Here, we can offer support to one another. We can vent, cry and lift each other up. No condemning or criticizing allowed. We are here for support. We LOVE (((HUGS))) !