Discouraged...Posted on 06/26/12, 06:52 pm
Reply #1 06/27/12 10:21am
Melanie, my heart breaks for your kids. I'm so, so sorry they went through such horrific and unspeakable acts, and for the lasting effects of it all. With every fiber of my being I wish, hope, pray that some healing can come to them. I'm glad you came here and vented all this. I have no answers but just wanted to respond and let you know someone is listening. My family and sons are in a good place, or seem to be, but we/they did not go through anything as severe as you all have. I can only offer what we did with our family. We first went to family counseling a few times, and were able to establish that it was important to not keep things inside, that we needed to share thoughts and feelings so we all understood where we were all at or where our thoughts were going at different times in the healing process, and we weren't to judge others or what they said, we could lovingly correct any misunderstandings, but we would always validate what others offered. We had regular family meetings to discuss the legal stuff, and to make sure we were supporting each other. We went to individual counseling as well. And, most importantly, we continued to go do things together, to purposely have some fun and create new memories together.
I don't know if any of what I wrote is something you can relate to since your situation is drastically different, but I hope that something can be of help to you. Big (((hugs))) to you.
Reply #2 06/27/12 11:31am
Thank you. Just the fact that you responded at all means something to me. Sometimes I feel so alone. When they were underage I did take them to counseling. All of them refuse to go now. They don't believe it helps. I go always. I never miss. If I didn't go I would drive right over to their fathers house and put a bullet in his brain. He lives because I have a therapist who keeps telling me things will get better. I want to believe that but so far it has not happened. Two of my children function fairly well. My son has a ton of anger issues but he tries to do the right thing. He works, he has a girlfriend and he is about to be a father. One of my daughters also works, she does really well but she can't remember anything that happened and she is afraid to try. She also trusts no one and can't have any kind of relationship. The other 2 girls are addicts and alcoholics. They disappear for days and I have no clue whether they are dead or alive. They don't care either. Everyone has nightmares and flashbacks. We all have horrible anger issues. Things are harder now because they are adults. I can't force counseling even though they need it. But your idea about creating new memories together is absolutely brilliant. We need something fun. I think we can all relate. You love your kids, I love mine when anything bad happens to them it makes us crazy. All we want is the best for them and when the unspeakable happens and we can't fix it it makes us feel like failures. You know how that feels and so do I. Thank you again for your words.
Reply #3 06/27/12 11:54am
melaniedianne- I am so sorry you are going thru this. I have not been on here long, but you really helped me when I first found this group. You were the first person who responded to me when I needed someone to listen. Thank you so much for that. I am so sorry your children have had such heartache. I can't imagine the pain they must be in. Just know, that you are there for them whether they accept it or not. You love them. I agree with finding something to do together. I'm sure it is exhausting with everyone at different stages of healing, but maybe just a day at the beach or maybe go bowling....is there maybe something they liked to do when they were younger that had good memories? Me and my grandparents used to play checkers all the time. As silly as it is, When I feel a bit down, I ask my oldest daughter to play checkers. You are doing the best you can and that is all anyone can ask of you. If we stand by our children and do the best we can, eventually things will get better.
Reply #4 06/27/12 3:00pm
Your story breaks my heart. My family has not gone through what yours has, but I do understand how it feels to hate the abuser and worry about my children. It's good that you continue to go to counseling. You cannot make your children, but you have to take care of yourself. My heart goes out to you and you and your family will be in my prayers.
Reply #5 06/27/12 4:06pm
This is one screwed up world that we live in! Sometimes I think hell only exists here so when it comes my time to go I will look forward to real peace because I think those who have been abused or had their children abused have already paid the price. None of this is fair and I have a lot of questions when I die, if you know what I mean.
In the meantime, I have to find a way daily to get thru it. I love the idea about creating new memories together. All of the old pictures of my son have been put far away and everything that he ever made has been destroyed by us. We did a major reboot and it does help a lot.
Guided imagery was the biggest help for me. I needed deep, major healing and that works better than any pill or therapy session ever could. It is by Belleruth Naparsteak. It is aTrauma CD made especially for PTSD sufferers and you could find it online at amazon.
I don't think there are words in the english language that will make you feel better but I do believe in the power of the mind. It is our greatest assest and it does have the ability to heal from trauma. I send healing thoughts your way. Your healing can and does affect your children's ability to heal as well, don't give up. You and children are valuable , loving souls who deserve peace and healing! Hug to you and yours, Laura
Reply #6 06/27/12 4:08pm
I too have not been in that particular situation. My daughters are 12 and 7 and did not suffer anywhere near the extent your children did. My heart breaks for you, and for them. But one thing I know is that you cannot blame yourself for this. Had you known, you would have NEVER put your children in a position to be abused. This is NOT your fault. Abusers are master manipulators and do everything they can to keep this horrible crime a secret. And the worst part is....most of them are VERY good at it. I did just want to say that you and your children are in my thoughts and prayers. (((HUGS)))
Reply #7 06/27/12 7:11pm
Hi Melanie, Im heartbroken by your situation. Is there a possibility you could just pick up and move to a new location and restart your life. I would. I dream of that sometimes but I have a supporting family here and I would miss them. I wish sometimes I could though to avoid the daily drama of the town gossip and what not. One advice I can give you is I rely heavily on good music. It heals the soul. I love listening to Paul Simon and SADE, It has Also I just go to pandora online and its free streaming music. I type in Paul Simon and it plays a mix of songs and artists similar to him. I also like Lenka, she does a wonderful song from that movie MONEYBALL,
I’m just a little girl lost in the moment
I’m so scared but I don’t show it
I can’t figure it out, it’s bringing me down
I know I’ve got to let it go and just enjoy the show
Good Luck. Hope this advice is worth something to you. It is how I cope on days of low strength.
Reply #8 06/29/12 1:26pm
Thanks to all of you. Your prayers are appreciated. We are all strangers yet somehow bonded through our trauma. It is a club I am sure none of us wanted to join, yet here we are. Sometimes I get so buried in what has happened that I can't see the light of day and I can't figure out what the hell to do. I am taking all of your suggestions to heart. I need all the help I can get. I just hope that one day when you are down, I can offer something to you.
Reply #9 06/30/12 12:31am
Not that I am happy about any of our situations, but just knowing I am not going through it alone and that there are people who understand my trouble has helped me a lot. Thank god for this group, it is my primary support right now.
This group is for parents whose children have been sexually abused. We welcome both Mothers and Fathers. Here, we can offer support to one another. We can vent, cry and lift each other up. No condemning or criticizing allowed. We are here for support. We LOVE (((HUGS))) !