JulErry

my daughter was sexually abused

Posted on 06/19/12, 09:25 am

by my husband's father. this just happened the day before Father's Day. not sure if this was a first time offense with her or if he did something to her before? my husband caught him having our daughters head in his lap while lying on the bed next to him. when she got up he was exposed. father ran out crying while my husband and his brother yelled and cursed at him. then my husband and i left with the kids of course. my daughter was more afraid of the shouting and yelling but also was afraid we were going to tell people about what happened (i am sure that my husband's father told her not to tell anyone). right away we told her it wasnt her fault,etc. that night and the next two days she seemed fine - like nothing had happened. she was laughing, having fun with her siblings. i knew that she was either blocking it out and/or didnt fully understand what had happened. she already is seeing a therapist for her ADD - her appt. was yesterday. she was scared to tell the therapist (nice young woman who is excellent with her!) because of how she felt. she said she was confused. we didnt pressure her to tell us anything but wanted her to know the safety rules and the therapist read her a book about it. she almost couldnt talk to the therapist and just clung to me when before she was excited to go to the therapist.
my husband and i wanted to press charges but the thing that held us back was his mother -she is very sicj wtih cancer and has no one else to be there for her. his brother and sister live nearby but both work. they had taken off of work to drive her to the hospital etc and the father has been away all day and then comes home at night and cries all night. so really she is already alone and then i wonder where he is going during the day! i dont want him to do anything to other kids of course!!!!
my husband's family is already turning against him because they dont want the father to go to jail because of the mother. my daughter's therapist alerted the child authorities who are going to investigate him and interview my daughter. not sure what is going to happen afterwards but i want justice done but i dont want my husband to suffer with his family cutting him off. esp. his mother. he is very worried about that.

• Reply #11 06/20/12  1:55pm
  
  JulErry
  I am calm and rational. I scream on here. My daughter never sees me or my husband upset at all we treat her normally and like we did before which I know is good. She trusts us and feels safe with us. I won't kill him nor even go near him but it's a feeling I have. I thought about that with the pictures. It disgusts me more than ever to see him in any of them and worse ones with him and her. It's beyond disturbing!!!!! So disgusting!!!!! How on earth is she going to be able to have a relationship with a guy now??? How??????? Granted that's far off but I still think of how her life is going to be. That goddamn disgusting perverted freak!!!!!!!!!!
• Reply #12 06/20/12  3:44pm
  
  Warriormama
  I agree with Oceanbluze. You must have a safe place to come and vent your anger-this is the place. This is the most difficult thing you will go thru and it is so important to have support from other parents who have experienced the same pain.
  
  I also agree with Bandmom. She really understands the legal system because her sons' abuser was found guilty. I am not sure justice is ever really served in this type of crime but I know that there are many members of this community who have had a conviction in their case.
  
  I know it is so hard to stay calm in the beginning and you will fall apart at times in front of your family. It was impossible for me to hide all my anger from my daughter. If you lose it sometimes -you simply apologize and move on. We aren't perfect and this tests everyones sanity. Be gentle with yourself and whenever you are alone it is okay to cry , scream or whatever. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family at this difficult time. Laura
• Reply #13 06/20/12  5:21pm
  
  brokensun
  Oh hun! I am so sorry for the hell you are going through. The anger is natural and is a very important step of the grieving process. I can't tell you how many times I killed my daughter's abuser in my head and wished I could do it for real. But if we do that, then who will take care of our kiddos while we rot in jail?
  
  You are doing very well - continue to support your daughter and let her know how proud you are of her for being brave and telling the truth about what happened to her. Don't press her for answers, but let her know that you are there to listen if she EVER needs to talk about it - then do just that...JUST listen. Continue with the therapy for her and yourself. This will help sort out any current issues and be prepared for any issues that may arise in the future.
  
  As for your husband, know that they process things so much differently than we women do. I do believe counselling is a good thing, but it just doesn't suit everyone. My husband went to only 2 appointments then found his own way of coping. Understand that he may be feeling guilty as well since it was his father. Don't push too hard, but let him know that you would like to know he is okay every now and then even if he isn't ready to talk about it. This can be very trying on a marriage. Hold strong.
  
  I know SEVERAL women that were abused as children that go on to healthy and happy relationships so don't count her future out just yet. Kids are much more resillient and will bouce back from this a lot faster than we, as parents, will. Use the strength you see in her to find your own strength. Just when you don't think you can go any further, we somehow do. I'm praying for you, for peace and strength during this time, for your daughter, and for justice. (((HUGS)))
• Reply #14 06/20/12  5:25pm
  
  JulErry
  i am calm about it and rational. my husband and i dont get upset in front of her about it. we are very good with that. she is acting normal with everything which in a way is good and kind of helps. but i am scared if something triggers it for her later and then it really hits her. i am also very fearful of when she gets older and has boyfriends - if she gets boyfriends. i want her to lead a normal healthy life! It just pisses me off that he not only did this but ruined her life - or possibly will - i hope not but i think it will. idk.
  today i went to get her blood test done for HIV, etc and it was horrendous - she freaked out so horribly we couldnt get it done. she had bloodwork done before for her absence seizure (mild form of epilepsy) but she hates needles. it was so embarrassing and extremely upsetting. it made me even angrier knowing that we have to get this done and if it wasnt for that lowlife prick i would have just skipped it until much later meaning that if it were for her absence seizure i could wait later. but we need this test done now. that fuckin asshole is doing this. making us go thru this because of what he did.
• Reply #15 06/20/12  5:31pm
  
  JulErry
  i repeated what i said before because i didnt think it went thru - either that or im losing it.
  thank you all so much!!!!!!!!!!!! i really appreciate your support!!!! i want this week to be over - actually i want next week to be over as well because of her test results that will come back (my husband is taking her for her bloodwork on friday and then after she has to go to stupid jersey to see the child psychiatrist to go over everything again. !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
  i am so scared if they find something wrong wtih her when the tests come back!!!! omg! it is affecting the whole family because now all the other kids will need evaluations just in case he did anything to them.
  what disgusts me is to have to try to retrieve the photos of that disgusting pig and my daughter and print them out. pisses me off!
• Reply #16 06/24/12  9:31am
  
  JulErry
  my husband's father is going to be arrested. my husband made a statement about what happened and my daughter had to tell story all over again to child authorities on friday. she is still ok or seems ok. as if it never happened - she says she doesnt want to talk about it (of course) - i just hope she will be ok!!!!!!!!!! and i really hope that she and my husband do NOT have to testify. my husband did say that when they arrest him to NOT do it at the house (because of his mother and the neighbors, etc). this is tearing the family apart. i dont care for myself but i feel so bad for my husband. his mother told him that this is going to put a wedge between them. even though her husband (his father) treated her like crap a lot. his brother said he will stand behind him no matter what but not sure about his sister. this is their father but i hope they realize that this has to be done. nothing is ever going to be the same with them again. all i want is for my daughter especially and for my husband to be happy eventually.
• Reply #17 06/24/12  10:06am
  
  JulErry
  what do we tell our kids about where their grandfather went? not that he was much of a grandfather - they NEVER do ask about him or WANT to see him. even before this happened. regardless of what he did he was a jerk to begin with. but what do we tell them and what do we tell people???
• Reply #18 06/27/12  1:30am
  
  jennifermom
  We tell people that our son made bad choices in his life and is paying the price. Most people don't have the guts to ask any further questions. If they do, we just say it's a family matter that we don't discuss in public. That usually shuts them up. As far as your kids, same kind of comments, grandfather did some bad things, and he has to go away and get help and learn to make better choices so that he doesn't hurt the people around him. Hopefully he will be better someday and we can see him again. (I know it will make you want to throw up to make these "hopeful, positive" type of comments, but you don't want your kids to bear the burden of carrying around the hate and poison that we adults do for those who offend our sweet children) Keep it simple and just keep repeating the same lines and don't embellish. Soon enough people and your kids will just accept it and move on. Hugs to you and yours. Jen
• Reply #19 06/28/12  10:44pm
  
  mommaKL
  So sorry for what you are going through.
  He needs to pay for what he has done. Ignore the family if they do not believe that pedophiles should be in prison. They should rot there.
  
  My father in law abused my daughter for at least 5 years but he denies it because it took her 17 years to tell us and he is such a religious fine upstanding man that no one believes he did this. If only we could of caught him in the act back then, maybe things would be different. How can someone be against his punishment when he was caught litteraly with his pants down?
  
  Cut yourself off from anyone that does not support you doing the right thing. Put your daughter and your immediate family first!!
  
  Yes your husband will need help with this. My husband ended up getting couples therapy with me and it saved us. He was dealing with our daughter and it being his dad, he felt like his entire life was built on a lie (really just a liar). It is very hard for men to express feelings, they put them in a little compartment and only take out when they have to.
  
  Do not let this sick ass ruin your relationship with your husband, you are a team...close ranks and fight like hell for your daughter.
  
  sorry your mother in law has cancer but no reason for him to be free. I feel like my mother in law, that says she believes him, had no idea this was going on in her home. I bet your mother in law has known all along and who knows maybe she would be relieved if he was in jail rotting and she could finish her life in peace.
  Big hugs to you.
  

This group is for parents whose children have been sexually abused. We welcome both Mothers and Fathers. Here, we can offer support to one another. We can vent, cry and lift each other up. No condemning or criticizing allowed. We are here for support. We LOVE (((HUGS))) !