JulErry

my daughter was sexually abused

Posted on 06/19/12, 09:25 am

by my husband's father. this just happened the day before Father's Day. not sure if this was a first time offense with her or if he did something to her before? my husband caught him having our daughters head in his lap while lying on the bed next to him. when she got up he was exposed. father ran out crying while my husband and his brother yelled and cursed at him. then my husband and i left with the kids of course. my daughter was more afraid of the shouting and yelling but also was afraid we were going to tell people about what happened (i am sure that my husband's father told her not to tell anyone). right away we told her it wasnt her fault,etc. that night and the next two days she seemed fine - like nothing had happened. she was laughing, having fun with her siblings. i knew that she was either blocking it out and/or didnt fully understand what had happened. she already is seeing a therapist for her ADD - her appt. was yesterday. she was scared to tell the therapist (nice young woman who is excellent with her!) because of how she felt. she said she was confused. we didnt pressure her to tell us anything but wanted her to know the safety rules and the therapist read her a book about it. she almost couldnt talk to the therapist and just clung to me when before she was excited to go to the therapist.
my husband and i wanted to press charges but the thing that held us back was his mother -she is very sicj wtih cancer and has no one else to be there for her. his brother and sister live nearby but both work. they had taken off of work to drive her to the hospital etc and the father has been away all day and then comes home at night and cries all night. so really she is already alone and then i wonder where he is going during the day! i dont want him to do anything to other kids of course!!!!
my husband's family is already turning against him because they dont want the father to go to jail because of the mother. my daughter's therapist alerted the child authorities who are going to investigate him and interview my daughter. not sure what is going to happen afterwards but i want justice done but i dont want my husband to suffer with his family cutting him off. esp. his mother. he is very worried about that.

• Reply #1 06/19/12  10:56am
  
  kiralind
  In my opinion, ALL abusers should be reported and arrested and so on. I realize you are in a hard spot with the sick mother in law, but please do justice for your daughter. How old is your daughter? Let her know, she did NOTHING wrong. Thank God your husband walked in on him or this may (if it hasn't already) have gotten a lot worse.
  Unfortunately, this kind of situation can sometimes split families, but it is usually because someone doesn't believe it happened. In your daughter's case, everyone was there and there is no doubt it happened. Please hang in there, turn it over to the police and let it take it's course. Your daughter deserves justice. She should not have had to go through that.
• Reply #2 06/19/12  11:53am
  
  HopeCourage...
  Isnt it against the law for you therapist to not report this! PLEASE, PLEASE call the police and file a report! What if he has done this to other children or YOUR other kids....I would not be worried about them, I would be worried about my kid....Not trying to be mean/rude bit im so upset this had not been reported......
• Reply #3 06/19/12  11:55am
  
  HopeCourage...
  Okay, sorry , I see your therapist turned this in, and so should you.
• Reply #4 06/19/12  12:43pm
  
  Warriormama
  I , too, am sorry to hear about your mother-in-law's cancer BUT your daughter must be put first! She is a child, an innocent child. The message to her MUST BE that she has done nothing wrong and that she will be protected. If you don't do this and her grandfather gets a slap on the wrist then she will be victimized all over again.
  
  REPORT this pedophile to the police!! There is never an excuse for this vile and sick behavior. And thank God you found out now not years later. My daughter lived with the secret of her older brother molesting and raping her (she was four and he was 12) for 14 years. The damage is horrendous! She was depressed , cut herself and tried to commit suicide last Dec. before she finally told us.
  
  By finding out now ; you are saving your daughter years of torment and pain. Please don't sit on this for one more day.
  
  I understand your husband being worried about his mom and being cut off but it is a small price to pay to keep your daughter safe. WE didn't hesitate to kick our adult son out of our lives. If we didn't our daughter would have DIED! It is incredibily damaging to have the abuser around the victim.
  
  Sorry I must be so blunt and harsh, but take it from someone who has been there. Save your daughter by putting her FIRST! If extended family doesn't understand and can't be supportive, then they can't be a part of your lives anymore. God bless your family at this difficult time, Laura
• Reply #5 06/19/12  1:09pm
  
  JulErry
  We attest putting her first. I want nothing to do with the whole family ever again. She is definitely not going near the father ever ever again nor the family. The family not for a whole. I don't want her going back to that house etc. it is being reported and it is killing my husband but you are right Our daughter is the most important person in this and I am treating her as the only one I care about my husband and how he feels but I don't care about the family's feelings at all. It's about my daughter not them!! They all need to understand that!!! Now I'm getting mad. Again. I had the chance to confront the asshole I hope he rots in hell! My husband does too. I want to do whats right and help my daughter however I can! That goddamn asshole!!!!!!!! I want to beat the shit out of him. I wish I did. I'm fuming!!!!!!!!!
• Reply #6 06/19/12  1:23pm
  
  Warriormama
  Anger is good right now. It will get you thru this horrible hell. Anger is what kept me alive and determined to help my baby girl thru those first few months. You are a Warriormama and a hero for your daughter. In the beginning you are in shock and you will feel overwhelmed at times but I know you will be there for your baby girl.
  
  Get counseling for yourself and your husband. My husband and I went together weekly in the beginning. Don't expect your husband to handle this just like you. Men process this differently than we do. You are both secondary victims of this horror so make sure you get the support that you need. Come here to vent-this is a very safe place. It is okay to feel the anger and hate him. What he did was the worst possible thing and you have a right to be angry with him.
• Reply #7 06/19/12  1:38pm
  
  JulErry
  I meant we are getting not attest. Stupid iPhone.
  I gave been in counseling already with the same therapist as my daughters for my own personal issues. I told my husband and will force him to get therapy. It is needed. He's afraid to talk about it I think so he seems hesitant to get therapy. I told him when he's ready but not to wait too long. It festers. I never lined his asshole father because he was mean to his wife and treated her line shit. He is not a family man and there is nothing good about him. He's a freak with issues he never resolved.
• Reply #8 06/20/12  8:28am
  
  JulErry
  he is done. that bastard! he did this to her multiple times! disgusting pervert!!!!!!!!! i want him dead!!!!!!!! he is going to jail!!!!!!!!! the family is behind us thank God! the mother may defend him because she is messed up in the head living with that jackass all this time! but fuck him!!!!!!! omg!!! i am fuming!!! i want to beat the shit out of him!!!!!! i deleted all the pictures and will throw out the rest i printed out - tear them up and spit on them and burn them. he is dead to us. i hope he gets his in jail!!!! he deserves the worst!!!! my poor little baby girl!!!!!! we are doing everything we can to help her and everything we can to make that bastard's life miserable until he dies and rots in hell!!!!!
• Reply #9 06/20/12  11:13am
  
  Bandmom5
  JulErry, I'm so sorry for all you and your daughter and family are going thru. I'm glad you came here for support. I just want to present another perspective here. I understand your anger, but please be careful and be smarter than the abuser and the legal system. If you have photos of your daughter with the abuser, don't destroy them. Put them in a safe place where no one else can get at them. If the abuser claims he didn't have a close relationship with your daughter or you at some point, you'll have the photos to prove he's lying. If it'll help your anger, make copies of them and burn the copies--it may be therapeutic for you. But make sure whenever you are in the presence of your kids, your family members, the authorities or legal staff, that you are cool, calm and collected! It'll help your kids so they don't feel badly that you are suffering, and it'll show the police and legal personnel that you are handling this in a mature manner and can't claim you're not in a good state of mind. I know it sounds ludicrous, but you have to think of all these kinds of things so you only do and say things that will help your case. Good luck to you with all this, you're all in my thoughts and prayers.
• Reply #10 06/20/12  11:51am
  
  oceanbluze
  I can rally feel your anger. I feel that and it is good for you. Since murder is not an option you at least have the right to vent. Do not worry about family cutting you off and everything else. Your daughter is going to see you as her protector and your relationship is key to her survival right now. Even if she seems okay now, there will be times where she begins to realize how wrong and sick it is that her grandfather did that to her. Then she realize your husband and you rescuing you. That's your family. Forget everyone else who will not understand the emotions and hatred you feel. They won't. It's going to be a very ruff next year for you, hang in there. Hopefully they do throw him in jail but don't hold your breath. The system is messed up. Get an attny too.

This group is for parents whose children have been sexually abused. We welcome both Mothers and Fathers. Here, we can offer support to one another. We can vent, cry and lift each other up. No condemning or criticizing allowed. We are here for support. We LOVE (((HUGS))) !