mythrial

Just so angry

Posted on 03/28/12, 01:06 am

I'm just so angry I could explode! I caught my husband taking sexual pictures of my daughter and called the police on him. Now my children, the boys that is not my daughter are giving me so many problems. Suddenly it is all about him . He is the perfect father and they all yell at me and say they hate me and wish he was here instead. The same father who mostly ignored them, only played games he liked with them ( and not very often either) and made them promises he would almost always break. He never took care of them when they were sick , he never went to their Dr appts, he would forget their birthdays unless I reminded him, not once went to any of their parent teacher conferences, graduations, award ceremonies or anything. My 8 yr old son has started screaming profanity at me , kicks, pushes, scratches, tries to bite and punches me. He just ignores me and mostly will not do as I tell him. My 14 yr old son has Aspergers and obsesses over his father to the point he tries to do things to get sent to jail so he can see his Dad. Like threaten to kill himself or run away. He also screams at me and says it is all my fault that their Dad is in jail since I called the police. He said he would rather live on the streets in nature than be in a house with me. This same son my husband was ashamed of because he wasn't "normal". No matter what I do I am the bad guy. Then I get all these selfish self serving letters from their father in which he tries to act like he really didn't do anything wrong and goes on and on about what he is going to do when he is free. I have my children in therapy, I am trying really hard to cope . I try very very hard to be calm and not say anything bad in return. I try to be neutral. I just get so angry, it just doesn't seem fair that I protected my daughter then became the bad guy to my sons. I had to look at pictures to identify my husband since he didn't show his face in any of the pictures at the prosecutors office, it was sick twisted and vile the things he did and took pictures of. I have no one to talk to since everyone says they care and asks what is wrong but don't really want to know. I have learned my lesson on that one just keep it to myself don't say a word that isn't positive and upbeat. I am not angry at my sons just angry at my husband for being such a selfish dickhead who caused all this by laying his hands on my baby girl without so much as a thought to what it would do to her, me or the family.

• Reply #1 03/28/12  3:15am
  
  jennifermom
  I think you were absolutely correct when you said he was selfish. That is the universal characteristic for molesters. They only consider their own needs at the expense of all others. I don't think you mentioned whether or not your sons understand why your husband was taken away. Do they understand he did something bad and illegal to their sister? If you put it in terms they can relate to, such as - Dad hurt your sister. Wouldn't you want me to protect her? Wouldn't you want me to protect you if someone was hurting you? Even if the person is your dad or someone else we love, it's not ok for a grownup to hurt a child. My kids were surprised to hear that it was "illegal" that made it more serious to them. I am so sorry you are going thru this, but I am glad you found us here. There are so many wonderful people here that understand what it feels like to go thru this mess. Take care and remember we are here for venting, advice or whatever we can do for you. Hugs, Jen
• Reply #2 03/28/12  9:51am
  
  mythrial
  Yes my sons know that what their father did was hurtful and illegal. The therapist had to explain it all to my 14 yr old in terms he would understand. He knows he just still wants his father. I know a lot of it is due to his austism. It is just hard to deal with him when he is being difficult and it fuels that other younger boys. My daughter always fades into the background when he acts up and leaves the room. She refuses to talk about her father, wants nothing to do with him and wants to change her last name. My 14 yr old was doing better before I saw the prosecutor. At that visit I found out my youngest daughter was in 1 of the pictures with her older sister. He wasn't doing anything to her but she was there right next to my older daughter while he violated her. I told my mother about it and she discussed it with her friend and my 14 yr old overheard it. He was very very upset that his other sister was involved too. My 14 yr old loves his sisters and doesn't blame them , I think he just blames me because I am convenient and he wants to blame someone.
• Reply #3 03/28/12  2:00pm
  
  brokensun
  Please don't take the hurtful things your children say to heart. I know it is easier said than done, but they really do NOT mean it! They are angry, confused, and they don't understand why their lives have to change this way. He may be very angry at his dad, but his dad isn't there to listen and take it out on. As you said, you are the one that is there and is convenient. As much as you are hurting and confused, your children are too. Keep them all in therapy. Seek counselling for yourself if you haven't already. Take it one breath at a time and do what you have to do to protect your children. Stay strong in this, and you will eventually get through it. (((HUGS))) and prayers.
• Reply #4 03/29/12  9:44am
  
  mythrial
  Thank you
• Reply #5 03/29/12  11:53am
  
  mythrial
  Just found out via victims advocate that he was indicted Tuesday on 12 charges . They added 5 more since last week. It just about broke my heart when I saw the date of one of the offenses was Christmas eve. How could he violate my baby on Christmas eve? I don't understand him , I don't want to understand him ...I just want him to be punished for what he did to my daughter! I don't understand how you can go from changing diapers and taking care of your child to turning them into a sex partner. He is selfish and sick!
• Reply #6 03/29/12  12:59pm
  
  Bandmom5
  I am so sorry for all you are going thru, this is so heart wrenching. You are doing the best thing for your kids. They will get to the point that they know you are not the bad guy, it will just take time. They need to rage, so for now let them rage at you, and help them find other ways to rage that will eventually be directed at the perp. Having a kid with autism mixed in with this must be so difficult, we have 2 friends who have kids with asberger's. Have you read the book House Rules by Jodi Piccoult? Intense book, but really gave a fairly accurate sense of what it's like. They really cannot help but to see things as about them, not able to empathize. I pray for your daughter that she can understand this and not feel pushed aside. She is a brave and valuable person. My heart goes out to you, keeping you all in my thoughts and prayers (((hugs)))
• Reply #7 03/29/12  2:18pm
  
  mythrial
  Thank you all so much it is such a relief to say what I feel and not try to turn everything into something positive , or censoring myself so as not to offend other people. No I haven't heard of the book but I'll check it out. Thank you so much!
• Reply #8 03/29/12  3:01pm
  
  pixiedust31
  The other kids are victims too.. just not directly. Their sister(s) were hurt and now they are angry about everything in their lives having to change, they have been betrayed just as you have. The way I handle this anger is just to build up a brick wall and take it. At least they are expressing SOMETHING. And this too shall pass. ((huggs))
• Reply #9 04/01/12  4:22pm
  
  oceanbluze
  Hang in there babe, my husband did not having photos so he got off scott free due to lack of evidence. My children gave statements against him but apparently their word isnt worth crap in the justice system. Wishing you the best. It is a long road that you have to travel one day at a time. Your children need to heal, do not take what they say to heart, they are very confused and angry, your ex husband is not there to be yelled at so they have to take it out on you. Its not your fault, we are here for you. Good luck sweetie.
• Reply #10 04/03/12  1:29am
  
  mythrial
  Thank you and I'm so sorry you are not receiving the justice your kids and yourself deserve. I do keep in mind my boys are not really mad at me.

This group is for parents whose children have been sexually abused. We welcome both Mothers and Fathers. Here, we can offer support to one another. We can vent, cry and lift each other up. No condemning or criticizing allowed. We are here for support. We LOVE (((HUGS))) !