My son is the molester! What do I do?Posted on 07/27/11, 06:53 pm
Reply #1 07/27/11 6:57pm
I'm not in the same situation as you but I think there are people in similar situations here. I'm sorry for what you are going through as a mother right now. I hope you find answers and support here. Keep strong.
Reply #2 07/27/11 7:10pm
Thank you for responding.........just taking one day at a time.
Reply #3 07/27/11 8:30pm
I am sorry to hear this, was your son molested when he was younger?
Reply #4 07/27/11 8:31pm
Yes I am in a similar situation except it was my step-son. Find your son a safe place to go, safe for himself and for others and try to focus on the little ones right now. You are going to go through a million and one emotions in a day from hatred, disappointment, scared, sad, denial, ect. Go through the motions and do what you have to do for each of your kids as you see fit. I don't talk to my step-son anymore because I said some really awful things to him and there is no going back but at times I do wish I could just see what he has to say and make sure he doesn't hurt himself, especially if there is still hope for him...Trust me at times I wish the most horrible stuff to happen to him and am so extremely angry I could hurt him myself, but he is still a kid (13) and I am still human. Good luck
Reply #5 07/27/11 10:59pm
Please be open to what I'm about to say to you. I'm coming to you as a very concerned parent myself who may be able to help you & your little angels. My words are ones which are said out of the love I have for abused children...
I'm sorry to hear where you are now but my advice for you is not for your son, it is for his victims/survivors. Your son needs to be away from every one of the other children in your household PERMANENTLY !!!! Your children who were abused by him are now looking for you to protect them moving forward. You have one chance to make this right with the children he abused. With this coming to light now, if you don't act in a way that is going to validate your children who were molested your in for a lifetime of unneccsary struggles. Should you just choose to sweep this under the rug and think your children will not be looking over their shoulder worried when is the next time he will abuse them. They will forever look at you and your ex as sideing with the abuser. I'm 100% convinced you will have permanent issues with your little ones who were abused if you don't act properly now. Should you think I'm wrong I would encourage you to read through the thousands of posts here from incest survivors and how they feel about their abusers. You will see first hand instances of life long stuggles with family who choose to kick them to the curb. I asssure you that is exactly how your little ones will feel in the future if they are made to be around somebody who abuses them. Survivors never want to look into their eyes again, and should not have to.
I don't speak to you from being a parent in your situation but I do speak from being married to a survivor who was abused for many years by her older brother. My wife has serious issues today from what she went through CPTSD, depression, dissociative dissorders, & others. Children who have been abused as young children by a trusted family member is the worst type of abuse children can endure. They need to start a process of healing which includes knowing they are safe from now on.
Please seek professional help for yourself and your children as soon as possible.
Good Luck I hope you see some healing very soon !!
Reply #6 07/28/11 1:02am
I am in a very similar situation. My stepson molested my daughter for approx 2 years. I have raised him since he was 4 and I adopted him a few years ago. So for all intent and purposes, he is my son. He has been very sure that he was not molested himself. Many people say that for a child to molest, he must have been molested. This is not always the case. You don't say how old your son is, mine was 16 when we found out, probably 13 or 14 when he began abusing her. He was exposed to pornography at school by some other kids, and was able to access it on our computer when we thought our computer was secure. He will tell you that he got obsessed with it. It is a dangerous thing, especially for a young, preteen boy. He has some other issues, especially ADD, which kind of contributed, but it doesn't excuse it.
I will tell you that we still love our son. We had him arrested the same day that his sister told. He hasn't been home since and will only ever be here again to visit. He was in juvenile detention and then was placed in a residential treatment facility. It was the best thing that could have happened to him. He has changed so much. He is working hard to understand why he did what he did, and how to never do it again. The statistics show that when it is a child/teen that molests, he can change. For the adults, it is a pretty low number that can change their ways.
We have his sisters (only one was molested, but the other is having a hard time with it all) in counseling. The little one (8 yrs old) who was molested is in "play therapy" where she doesn't have to talk about it, just plays and the counselor is able to help her thru play. I don't know if it will help but I DO know it can't hurt and she needs to deal with it now before she is a preteen, and teenager, who will start dating, etc. His little brother was in the room sometimes. He would be watching a movie, but he apparently had an idea that something bad was going on. I am waiting to get him into play therapy also.
The most important thing I think that i can tell you is that you must make your son take responsibility for his actions. He needs help. He needs to be away from the rest of the family and really be humbled enough that he is ready to open up and make changes. Of course, this depends on his age. If he is quite young, than chances might be good that he was molested at some point, a babysitter? someone else? If he is a teen or close, he may have been exposed to something that he couldn't handle, you need to find out. Another useful tool for us was that they administered a polygraph at the beginning of treatment. We had to kind of push for that but it was very valuable because it gave us some peace of mind that we knew all that was involved. There were some things that came out, but at least we knew the full story and could begin to deal with it and pick up the pieces.
The kids miss their big brother. They say they want him to come home. They tell us to tell him they love him. I haven't told them yet, but I did tell my son during a "family session" (only my husband and I go to these family sessions) that he will never live under my roof again. That when he is better we will help him and we are not abandoning him, but that we can not put anyone thru that. We need to have peace and safety and security in our home, and I can't have that if he is there.
My daughter told me on a monday morning at the end of Nov in 2010, so we are going on about 8 months. My son won't get out of the residential program for many more months. We are just taking it one day at a time. I still cry a lot. I still don't want to deal with the everyday stuff, but have tried to again, for the sake of my other kids.
Feel free to message me if I can answer any questions. I'll do my best to help. Hugs to you, this is an impossible situation because we don't have the luxury of hating the perp in our cases, they are our own children, and the victims are our own children as well. It's difficult to say the least. Jen
Reply #7 07/28/11 1:59am
So sorry for your family. You have found a great place to get advise and vent. I hope everyone gets into counseling and gets the help they need.
He was probably abused himself and you need to figure out by whom and he needs to deal with that as well as take responsiblity for what he has done.
You will need to find a counselor for you too. This is the hardest thing to go thru but we are here for you.
Prayers and hugs for you and your family.
Reply #8 07/29/11 11:58am
How old is he and what actions have you taken so far?
Reply #9 07/29/11 12:12pm
He is 14 and at his grandparents home right now. The police are involved. The known victim was interviewed on Wed, and the rest of the children will be interviewed on Tues.
Reply #10 07/29/11 12:17pm
Thank you all for responding. Your stories are helpful.
This group is for parents whose children have been sexually abused. We welcome both Mothers and Fathers. Here, we can offer support to one another. We can vent, cry and lift each other up. No condemning or criticizing allowed. We are here for support. We LOVE (((HUGS))) !