Discussion Topic

Alienated Grandparents Anonymous

Posted on 08/22/13, 07:23 pm
I have had a bad day after reading about this support group. It was the comment about grandchildren having the right to their grandparents that did me in. That and making sure someone is telling them we are nice people. And suggesting that we have to keep trying. It also freaked me out reading that this happens when there is dysfunction and mental illness, all things I already know but am scared to death to admit is happening in my family.

I can't take one more commerical showing cute children dressed in Joe clothing carrying adorable bookbags or ads showing healthy snacks.

I know the rest of the world gets to enjoy these precious moments but tonight I just feel really sorry for myself that I don't get to be a part of it.

I hope tomorrow is a better day. Thanks for listening

Showing 1 - 10 of 22 Replies
  • Reply #1 08/22/13  7:38pm
    I'm sorry its a bad day Bugzy.... We all have them for different triggers. What is it that the comment made you feel? Like you should keep trying? Guilty for not trying? I'm just curious because you sound like you feel horrible....

    I get that pang of jealousy when I see shows and the family has teenagers or young adults and good relationships. I don't get it or know what that feels like and sometimes feel very cheated. There is nothing wrong with licking your wounds. Remember though, your energy is better left changing the things you can. The other stuff you would have already changed if you could.
  • Reply #2 08/22/13  7:42pm
    Bugzy, those commericals are ads and they try to sell whatever they think you'll buy, using whatever manipulations are most effective. The fantasy of the happily family is one of those manipulations, and a highly desirable one because most people don't have that. I'm slowly figuring out that I've been lied to my whole life, about so many things.

    As to whatever was said in the group, I have to disagree that children have a right to their grandparents. Three of mine were dead before I was born, and the one who I knew was not a nice person and did not want to be called "grandma." My grandchild does not have a "right" to me. He is "entitled" to very few things in life actually, and I believe those are spelled out in the Bill of Rights.

    I don't care if my grandson (he's 4) thinks I'm a nice person or not. I don't even care if he grows up to be a nice person or not. I care that he grows up to be an effective person, but there's nothing I can do to make that happen. He lives in a world where grown ups do not acknowledge reality, where marriage is a financial arrangement, where women are dumb as stumps and men are shown as much affection as ATM machines. It's not a matter of not being willing to keep trying. It's a matter of realizing that this is much, much bigger than I am. I couldn't "fix it" if my life depended on it, and I'm not going to get close enough to get hurt by it again. That's all it is really.
  • Reply #3 08/22/13  8:07pm
    Yes, I need a good dose of reality that's for sure. Google it and tell me if I misinterpreted it because I most likely did. I just retired from the school board after 30 years so this is the first year I am not going back to school and am feeling put out to pasture. Deaaling with all kinds of emotions I guess.

    My 17 year old grandaughter (yes the one who is going to college and I had the row with).... returned my text when I asked how everyone is and if the kids have what they need for school. She said we are fine Nana and the kids are all set. She said she will ask her boyfriend to drive her into town so we can have lunch together. That lifted my spirits.

    ITT the comment that I need to put my energy into something else is helpful. I was affected by the comment to keep trying because it is my nature to never give up on family....

    Thanks for the reminder AM that IT IS WHAT IT IS,,, and some kids never get a grandparent.

    Okay, I feel better. I knew I could count on you
  • Reply #4 08/22/13  8:38pm
    I understand Bugzy.... just keep in mind that "giving up" and "letting go" are two different things. You can let go without giving up.
  • Reply #5 08/22/13  10:37pm
    Awwww Buggzy....I totally understand everything you said about the grands...I have not seen mine for 2 years or talked to them ...dont even know where they live.,.,.silence from ED.

    It is multi generational abuse perpetuated onto their own children.

    As long as I am living (and perhaps I shall figure out a way if I am dead) my grandson is entitled to know me and his family history...to have a choice that his parents are presently with holding from him...to know he has/had a Grammi that loved him dearly and that his parents kept him away. There are numerous studies showing the detriment of estranging grandchildren from grandparents who do want them around and want them to be a part of their lives..of course this study would not mean the granparents who happen to be dead at the time grandparenting comes around or the ones who want nothing to do with grandchildren.

    If we grandparents/grandkids wish to try to have a relationship ...we are entitled to have one unless we are sickos or dreanged and then distance would make sense.

    Trust me...I was a great mother (shes standing alive with an MBA)...I was and would still be a great grandmother if they were allowed to come around...I do not have any mental isuues or a pred ator of any type on small children...

    Therefore am entitled and so are my grandchildren to a relationship/

    Sorry AM that 3 of yours died and the one left was a self centered idiot. You did not deserve that but sometimes death happens and as we all know here....there are some mental cases/stupid cases out there...NAMELY OUR OWN ESTRANGED ADULT CHILDREN....go figure

    Its a tough one no matter which path comes about.

  • Reply #6 08/23/13  2:16am
    The only words to describe keeping children from the love of their grandparents is MEAN and EVIL. We can provide opportunities for them they cannot and loving guidance.
    What parent in their right mind would not want that for their children?
    I am afraid knowing that they are obviosuly not in their right minds and that conjures up all sorts of disturbing scenerios. It makes me wonder what they have told them about me, they have to be asking about me by now.

    I realize I have to get this out of my head and get back to the place where I can survive in this nightmare,
  • Reply #7 08/23/13  10:29am
    Wow, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to hurt anyone's feelings.

    Both my husband and I have siblings who are raising their own grandchildren. The first time my son married, he had a nine-year-old step daughter. I played the but part, but I did not want anything to do with being a grandma, not because of ego, but because I did not want that kind of responsibility again. Since the marriage lasted only a few months, I needn't have worried.

    Having the two kids to ponder has made me question a lot of things. Why are grandchild so important, and by that I mean, so much more important than other children? Because they share our DNA? Yes, frankly, that's it. So should I care more about the 4-year-old, who shares my DNA, than I do about his baby brother? Should I care more about his baby brother than the 35,000 children who starved to death yesterday? I think about that every day, the 35,000 who died that day, and I wonder how I dare be unhappy. It's not possible to shame oneself into happiness, I've learned.

    Forgive me for being pedantic but the word "entitlement" refers to legality - the word "title" being the important part. It does not come from wishful thinking or feelings of privilege. Even desperation cannot make it magically materialize, as we all hope our children learn someday.
  • Reply #8 08/23/13  11:42am

    Nobody got their feelings hurt...we make it practice on this site to WELCOME all differing views and opinions and sometimes we dont all agree but that is what makes this forum so vital...we do respect each others differing views and listen...that is what makes for great open minded discussions.

    Actually you bring up some good points to ponder and I will while the tree trimmers are here today (I have to stay outside with the horses so they dont think the big bucket truck is coming to get them LOL) so I will be back later to discuss more on this...

    Just wanted you to know you did not hurt anyones feelings.

  • Reply #9 08/23/13  4:14pm
    My feelings certainly aren't hurt --- at least by anyone here that is.
  • Reply #10 08/23/13  4:55pm
    I was a stepparent to 3 children for almost 35 years - until one child died. I was a grandparent to 2 children. I thought that maybe my ultimate feelings of detachment was because I was not biologically connected but ironically, my husband (biologically connected), was even LESS connected to them all than I ever was.

    I think it was the repeated hurt and betrayal that got to him. Being f__ked over - over and over again - Then our granddaughter was being especially self absorbed and ignoring us to the point of us practically disappearing. I think this was the straw that broke the proverbial camel's back.

    There is only so much hurtful treatment you can take - then you start developing the callouses that help protect you from the pain.

    My husband had a handle on his children LOOOOONG before I ever did. I guess was a true believer (translation - true asshole) and so I kept overlooking it and trying to make it fit - trying to make it work. I didn't want to see our family break apart so I never gave up - until I absolutely had to...

    Now, I will regret not giving up much sooner until the day I die.


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