Discussion Topic

Losing a child to prison

Posted on 01/23/09, 09:03 am
I know my son did wrong, and so does he. But I miss him.
I know people look down on him and me too for raising someone who would be in prison,,,,but I miss him anyway.
When these people criticize or give me ugly looks when they hear where he is, I secretly wish the same fate for them, because unless they go through it, they will never know.
I have never yelled at him for ending up there, he is getting punished enough.
I can't look at his pictures without crying. God I miss him. We are being robbed too, of precious days we could be family, could share hugs, could help each other. Who knows how many days any of us has.
I feel like they ripped out part of my heart, when they took him away in handcuffs for 4 years. That may not be as long as some, but any amount of time for any of us is torture.
I hope you all have good days too. I don't have many. I have 2 people I care about in prison, and my world is so empty without them.
Showing 11 - 17 of 17 Replies
  • Reply #11 01/31/09  7:58pm
    I think most people don't really understand what it's like to have your child in jail/prison. Luckily I have good friends (personally and now here on the DS site) that it has made it easier for me to get through these tough times. Plus me attending NarAnon meetings has helped me a lot too. Knowing that you're not alone and hearing the other peoples stories and knowing I may be helping someone else that's new to the group is a good feeling. It's so hard to describe the ache you have in your heart for your child that's not home with you. I'm still waiting for either "a deal" or a trial and then we can just accept whatever his fate is and hopefully be able to deal with it somewhat. Thanks for taking a few minutes to listen. Love, Georgia
  • Reply #12 02/10/09  7:29pm
    I am sitting waiting for my son's call. Used to call alot, but was costing too much. I just hate this. I am moving, and he is a big strong guy that would help me. I just feel lost without him. I don't give a damn what others think about him.

    As my mom told someone when they made a negative comment about him being in prison, " If you met the kid on the street, you wouldn't have any idea what he had done, and that young man would give you the shirt off his back, help you in any way he could, and smile at you like you were the most important person in the world. That's my grandson, and I love him despite what he did, or what people think.

    That's the way we need to talk to these people. They haven't went through it so they judge unfairly.Until they have walked in our shoes, do not judge us, or ours.

    No matter how old he is, or what he is in prison for, he is still the light of my life. I love you Andy Jon!!! And I miss every minute that is being robbed from us. We don't know how long we are on this earth, and I feel very blessed to have Andy in my life. He has always been more than just a son, he is my best friend. Someday I won't have to cry every time I think of him. He is the best hugger in the world. He can make me smile when I am in the worst mood. He would never let me stay mad at him, when he was an awful teenager. With Andy, ya just can't stay mad at him.

    The last court date when they took him away, I just felt a part of me was dying. 4 years is an eternity.

    But to tell you what he is like, 40 people showed up to be there for him. We packed the courtroom. The guards got all nervous like we were going to cause trouble and called for back up. The lawyer, and even the judge commented they had never seen anything like this, and despite what he was there for he must be a good person to have so many there who cared.

    Before we went to court, it was like a big farewell, tons of people for 2 days came to say goodbye to him, they handed him money to put in his canteen, and for his fiance and kids. They all hugged him. People from his past came.

    After court I went back to his home. There was kids from his elementary school there. They all said " Hi Mom", and some big tough looking guys even had tears.

    This was a testimonial to what my son is really all about. He isn't just some terrible person who went to prison. I am very proud to be his mom.

    That is what you all should tell people who belittle your loved one. It shuts them up, makes them regret saying such assinine things to you. I wouldn't do it to them.
  • Reply #13 02/10/09  8:12pm
    Am I the only one that feels like I can't talk to people about my son? I always feel like I have to explain the whole case to them and convince them that he is not guilty. I can see them get that look on their faces like "yeah your'e his mom and that is what they all say". He also is a great kid who was in the very wrong place at the very wrong time. Trying to explain to people that he is not a bad kid, just a dumb one just seems to fall on deaf ears. I have finally stopped talking, that is hard!
  • Reply #14 02/11/09  3:19pm
    Hey ! I understand that one. The day trial started my sons lawyer told me he had never met a mom yet who thought their son committed rape. I just looked at him. What a a--hole! This guy was his lawyer and stood there and told me that he had never met a mother yet whom thought her child was capable of rape. I could not believe he said that considering all circumstances that he knew and yet he said that to me.

    People are just not very nice and supportive in case it is true....I guess, that is their excuse.

    Part of the family is good about thinking of him, others not. Some write clemency letters, others come up with excuses why they just can't do it.

    Some friends at work are very supportive...we were very choosey whom we told. A few friends from our hometowns are supportive and that is it.

    Yet he was the most popular and now where have most of them gone.
    Like his wife gone.

    I do not talk very much about him because it brings up I want to ask everyone again to write a clemency letter......but for some they can talk about him but writing anything to him or to help him...nada! No! Nope! not going to happen!

    Goes with the territory I guess.


  • Reply #15 02/11/09  4:10pm
    Like many of you I am very careful who I tell about all this. I have a feeling that all of our sons and daughters are good people. A life can change so drastically in just a split second. Just because a person is incarcerated should not take away the fact that they are a good person, with good qualities. But whatever reason that caused them to end up incarcerated seems to wipe out all their goodness in some people's minds. But, quite frankly, I don't need or want those people in my life.
    The day he went to prison was the lowest day of my life and I have been through some tough times.
    Donna
    When my son went before the judge, my husband and I were the only ones there for him. It broke my heart. His wife left him and while I can't blame her I wish she would remember how he was always, always there for her - through all her illnesses. He was always there for her family too. And he was a terrific, loving father.
  • Reply #16 02/11/09  11:05pm
    When I hear about all your sons who have lost families I guess I should be glad my son was only 17 when he went to jail. At least we don't have to deal with that kind of loss also.
  • Reply #17 02/12/09  1:05am

    Reading all these replies helps me not to feel so alone. I will never get to see my son out of prison,never be able to have an unguarded conversation with him,unless an appeal grants him a new trial. Thank god for my family,and my best friend [ she's a sister of my heart ].My son also chose the wrong people to be "friends" with,they just used him .

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A group that tries to share with each other how they deal with being a good supporting parent of a prisoner and the unique problems that arise. What to share or not, how to deal with spouse of prisoner, ex-spouse of, children of prisoner which we may not see either anymore,so forth