Discussion Topic

Writing A Letter

Posted on 10/28/09, 05:01 pm
Maybe this is a stupid question..BUT has anybody ever written your ES, ED, or family member a letter telling them how you feel ? You see I have been thinking of this..however I am afraid of the rejection . I wish I could talk face to face with my ES. I know as long as he continues to smoke pot I can't talk to him. I look into his eyes and he is not there. He has no emotions...and I don't know why. Any thoughts ?
Showing 1 - 10 of 19 Replies
  • Reply #1 10/28/09  5:08pm
    Well, I do not know about the pot-thing, but yes, I have written more than one letter. The letters did not resolve the estrangement, but helped me work through the process of grieving...and to share (whether read or not) how I felt at different times. The messages and letters took a weight off of my shoulders.....and helped me to move forward with my life and reclaim my own happiness....albeit without my ED. My son is now recovering from relationship difficulties in his life and is doing some of the same. This time....I am just letting him GROW. When he comes back, there will not be all of my emoting over it to resolve too.
  • Reply #2 10/28/09  6:00pm
    I have written a letter.. one, two, three and more. I never send them. The fact to write is already a good thing, for me : I have to organize my feelings, emotions, anger.. The words show me some anger that I do not want to express. That's why I never the letters.
    Finally, when I print the letters I am quite ashame on myself. I am measesuring the rudeness of my attitude against my son and it makes me willing to be more attentive and patient.

    The drug problem is a terrible thing to go across for a mother : it is not your fault, you cannot do a lot, or just being there, and listen if he wants to talk.

    If you write a letter, please think that the written words can hurt more than the verbal ones.
  • Reply #3 10/29/09  7:53pm
    When I was first estranged from my daughter we exchanged e-mails and occasional phone calls. Gradually they tapered off. The last e-mail my daughter sent was a belated birthday message saying she was sorry but she forgot. I thanked her in an e-mail and have not heard from her since. I do not plan on contacting her again.
  • Reply #4 10/29/09  8:33pm
    this is happening all the time with my older son. We communicate strangely, sommetimes he is calling three times in a month, then nothing for the next six months.
    Usually, I make a point to send a letter in November so we can communicate alittle duting the holidays. Then, I know he will not contact me from january to november 2010 ..
    He always said that he wants to come and visit me, but the years are passing and he never come.

    I do not know why and I wnat not to know. This is his problem - he has money and plenty of time, He can, if he wants. I suppose something make him reluctant to come and to see me. He wnats to punish me, os something of the sort.

    I am still looking for Xmas gifts for his son, the little one I never had in my arms .. so be it !
  • Reply #5 10/30/09  9:15am
    yer my daughter never ansrewed my letters of phone calles so i am done with her now. but its worth a try you have noting to lose,that how i felt and went down that rd.but rejection cuts deep, so dont expect to much.
  • Reply #6 11/02/09  4:09pm
    Would you slant the content of the letter differently for say, a 25 year old versus a 30 year old? I have read that adult children under 25 or so do not even think about friendly relationships with their parents as they have just left their confinement and are still in a separation process. Does anyone find this to be true? If so, might it be better to keep in occasional contact for awhile with no expectations?
  • Reply #7 11/02/09  6:41pm
    The problem DDD3, is the 30 year olds have been estranged since they were in the late teens or early 20's. I don't think it makes any difference on their age, but this is my opinion. I agree in writing what you want to say down, it is a relief. But do not send it right away, look at it and re-read it several days later. Most letters do not get mailed, they were written and gave the writer a relief of removing the burden felt at the time. In fact I wrote 3 years ago... as a word document on my computer. I never printed it or mailed it. And we discussed this as a discussion earlier this year. I looked at it and said... no, I do not want anyone to find this letter if I am dead and gone. So I deleted it. And felt better now, that I never did send the letter.

    You need to do what is good for you. But I would definitely think it over.

  • Reply #8 11/02/09  9:11pm
    In my case, showing my feelings via a letter/voicemail/email, exposed my emotions and my vulnerability. My children seem to enjoy hurting me.

    If you do decide to contact him, I would just guard your heart and keep control over your emotions. In your case, drugs are most likely fueling the situation. There is no reasoning with someone under the influence. I agree with Judyfruity...write it and dont send it.

    I wrote I scathing letter and sent it via email to both kids, my ex and my DIL. It was ruthless and I exposed everyones bad behavior. Sometimes I regret it and, other times I'm glad I got it off my chest!

    Do what right for you, good luck
  • Reply #9 11/02/09  11:27pm
    Barbell - I hope you will let us know what the response is to your letter. I pray that it helps.
  • Reply #10 11/03/09  12:41am
    I wrote letters--the pothead couldn't be bothered to even finish reading one and the other his wife never bothered to give him and he didn't even care...do it for you..if you want to... but expect nothing. If you are pleasantly surprised by a response- yippy--if not carry on.


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Do you have adult children, who have blamed you for everything wrong in their childhood, lost contact either through addiction, divorce, or in laws? No phone calls for birthdays, Mother's day, just no communication. How do you cope with the emptiness, the painful loss of not having your children in your life? *WARNING*: Read this note about privacy: http://www.dailystrength.org/people/548/journal/1802327