My mom disowned me/my son disowned me...need to talk morePosted on 10/22/09, 09:02 pm
One day Mom called. She was sick and tired of paying the taxes on my son Mark's money that my grandma had left him and she wanted his social security number so that she could put it in his name. I told her "No, I won't be a part of this. It's wrong." She called my son, sixteen, and asked for his SSN, but he didn't know it. She called him a liar. I got angry and upset and started to cry and my SO called her for me to politely ask her not to upset me, that he is talking to her on my behalf...that everyone knew I would not give the money to one child only just because he is "blood" and the others were adopted. In the end, she sent me the money and I split it three ways, but she never forgave me for not obeying her mother's orders, although she was dead. THAT did it. I was disowned. When she got a brain tumor, she made everyone vow not to tell me. So I feel guilty...
Maybe I was wrong? And maybe I'm getting my karma (which I believe in) by my son's leaving me. (I'm crying now as I type). Maybe I'm really a bad person for my mom and my child to both find me so undesirable that they had to stick it to me. And, trust me, they did. Ok, tears are dried and...
I'm kind of a wimp, but I did something I am glad I did. Eight years after my mother had her brain tumor, which she told me about in one of the calls *I* made to her (remember she NEVER called me and she also never ever saw my two youngest kids that I adopted)...I digress: Eight years after the brain tumor, she developed brain cancer. They said it wasn't from the tumor, but I think it was. At any rate, that's not the point. My sister, who has been terrible to me at times, helped move my mother from Indiana to Illinois. I live in Wisconsin. My sister found a nursing home for my mother and took total care of her. I didn't lift a finger to help. My brother, who also thinks I'm "bad," flew in from NJ a few times, but he didn't help much because he lives far away. He came for the surgery. I didn't. By then I had figured, she wasn't there for me ten years ago when I had very early breast cancer and chose surgery. She never met her two youngest grandchildren or even sent my other kids birthday cards. She refused to meet my hub because he'd sort of told her off once. She was unforgiving toward us, so let my sister take care of her. They were close. She loved those grandchildren. I almost didn't go to the funeral. None of my children did. So I wonder if this is my karma, if I didn't the wrong thing, if I"m bad so I'm being punished by my son.
In my heart, I think I did the right thing, but I still wonder. But I refuse to be anyone's doormat anymore...not my mother's, not my goofy sister's (if she gets mad at me she calls the cops...lol), my misinformed brother, or even my children. As much as I love my son I will not show up at his doorstep and beg to be in his life. I know I'm more cautious and self-protective because of all of this. I also value those I have in my life more. At the same time, I am secretly afraid others will leave me too. What is more traumatic than for your mother and your son to find you despicable?
I just wanted to vent and if anyone has words of wisdom, please share. I am reading the site voraciously and think you are all kind, wise ladies.
Pam from Wisconsin :) (I saw there was another Pam)
Reply #1 10/22/09 9:49pm
I have read all your posts and the one that got me the most was the one where you said that we are accountable and we do not have the right to choose our adult children's wives, girlfriends or partners. I agree it is just wrong on our part. My one son has gone AWOL and I almost lost the other one over his wife. I had a sit down once where I told him that he needed to "man up" regarding his wife, but in order for us to have a relationship we also had to accept her. We don't like her, in fact can't stand to be around her but she is his wife and the mother of my beautiful grandchildren and even though she was a part of my son's leaving I have to put up with her. You do have words of wisdom. My relationship is wonderful with my son and it's funny that the son who went AWOL didn't really leave because of our relationship with his wife. I don't really know why he left although we didn't like her either. But you have made me look at my other son, and am glad I made the decision to put up with his wife. I actually had no other option and he had the temperment to take my advice and see what she was doing but we also had to bend as well and accept her as hard as that may be. No, you are making tons of sense to me. I just wish I had run into you a few years ago and maybe I would have 2 sons and not one. And I also when someone asks me how many children I have I say one as I don't want to get into it,. I also am very careful who I let into my liife and have let my sister go. I was so tired of hearing about her wonderful life and then look at my pitiful life and it was getting me down, so in the last few months I have chose not to phone her and I feel better for it.. Thanks Pam....for opening the door to what other's might see and now have a chance to reconcile with their sons or daughters with the dreaded dil or sil.
Reply #2 10/23/09 8:45am
Jo, thanks for answering. Not many have. I hope I didn't say something wrong.
We have no choice but to accept the choices our grown kids make or we won't have our grown kids. I've learned that. Guess who will win if we say "It's me or the girlfriend?" And my parents didn't have a choice about who I married. I wouldn't have listened even with emotional blackmail, which I feel is wrong from us as parents or from our children (I personally have learned to tell them I won't tolerate it). It's a real gateway to lonliness. Sometimes we have to swallow our "mothering gut" and let them make their own mistakes. I don't really like my other son's wife, but she is the mother of my grandson and I want a relationship with him. She's the woman, the gatekeeper, so I either make nice or I lose my grandson too and make my other son torn and sad.
I never meant to make my son who left me want to leave me. I really miss him. I would put up with his wife, who I *REALLY* don't like to see him, although I wouldn't see them as much as I see my other kids because I can only handle her so much...she is nice to your face, yet you feel she hates you. And she's so controlling. But he loves her. I accept her or I'll never have him in my life. I may never anyway, but I still hope. However, I won't tolerate abuse. Instead of saying, "Dump her or I'm out of your life," I would simply say, "I only want to be around people who respect me and I promise to respect you as well." If they choose then to leave as a team, then they do. I'd rather have them make that choice than to put up with abuse. But I wouldn't ask him to choose. To me, that's controlling and unfair. We can talk about our own needs, but it isn't right imo to tell our grown children about THEIR needs and try to make choices for them by emotional blackmail.
Yeah, I've been through lots of therapy in my 56 years :) Thanks for "talking" to me.
Pam in Wisconsin
Reply #3 10/23/09 9:14am
Dear Pam, Jo is a friend and a smart one at that! The more I am a member of DS: The more I learn how similar our problems are. I was the "unloved one" by my mother, also. I was supposed to be a boy and keep my parents marriage together. When I was a young child, my parents split. My older sister could do no wrong. I still loved her dearly. She died of cancer. My mother withheld money promised to pay for medical school. I got over it and got student loans. I am not saying that I was a perfect child, but I did not deserve the neglect, abandonment, or violence visited upon me. I have learned that my kids will be as oppositional as I was and will adhere like glue to anyone that they think I don't like. I keep my mouth shut. My daughter has an SO old enough to be her father. When she got pg after knowing him for two weeks and then moved in with him a month later: I swallowed hard, but told her that I would support her--no matter what. She is currently my ED. She apparently inherited my mother's mental health problems. I have no magical formula. Therapy helps, but acceptance has helped me more. People at DS are wonderful support and listeners. God Bless and follow your heart. Hugs, sara
Reply #4 10/23/09 5:23pm
Thank you so much, sara. You folks are really nice.
Pam in WI
Reply #5 10/23/09 7:04pm
so true its not our choice, and they let them control them,there is no solution it has to come from them lets hope they get the balls to stand up for there family one day xxxxxx
Do you have adult children, who have blamed you for everything wrong in their childhood, lost contact either through addiction, divorce, or in laws? No phone calls for birthdays, Mother's day, just no communication. How do you cope with the emptiness, the painful loss of not having your children in your life? *WARNING*: Read this note about privacy: http://www.dailystrength.org/people/548/journal/1802327