Discussion Topic

Abusive Adult daughter

Posted on 08/27/09, 06:26 pm
I have a 30 year old daughter that blames me is abusive towards my mentally & physically. She most recently told me about something that supposedly happened 20 years ago to hurt me even more. I have tried to distance myself from her for several years & she seems to be bi-polar but I am not one to diagnose. She is happy one minute & yelling ugly, mean hurtful things at me the next. She lives on her own, has a good job, & is single. The only reason I keep my mouth shut most of the time is for the sake of my grandson. She has used him in the past as a weapon & does not let me see him, but when she is in dire need of a babysitter, guess who she calls!My husband stopped her from hitting me a 3rd time on Saturday & she left. I have not heard from her nor do I want to.
Showing 1 - 10 of 11 Replies
  • Reply #1 08/27/09  6:56pm
    Hi...welcome to PEACE....

    No one deserves to be abused. If your daughter is abusive, you're doing the right thing by staying away from her. There are many mood disorders that manifest with alternating happiness and violent anger...bipolar disorder and borderline personality disorder being the 'most popular' diagnoses. If your daughter does have an undiagnosed mood disorder, she will not get better until she admits she has a problem and gets help.

    Not knowing your circumstances, I can only tell you (for your protection) that you need to establish firm boundries with her and stick to them. Do not allow her violent behavior. If she does hit you, you need to call the police and file an assault report. If she abuses your grandson, you need to report it to protective services. I'm especially concerned for you grandson. A child cannot protect himself and needs to have the adults in his life stand up for him. Your daughter HAS to be held accountable for her actions even if it means going to jail or losing custody of her son.

    I wish you the best as you travel this road. You might also want to check out some support groups for parents who are abused by their adult children.

    Take care...

  • Reply #2 08/27/09  6:59pm
    I can't add more than cleb as she's said everyhting . You do not deserve to be hit or verbally abused. No one should go through that.....You will find friendship and non judgment here
  • Reply #3 08/27/09  7:23pm
    Dear Awesome, so many times I have seen bad behavior not only continue but escalate because there was NEVER any consequences. One of my daughter's brother in law has a severe drug problem..heroin. His step father is a federal judge and his brother a lawyer (they both always pulled strings) but his mother has been the biggest enabler of all. He has been to prison and just when you think he can't sink any lower...he does. Two weeks ago he robbed his teenage daughter, my 10 yr. old granddaughter and my 12 yr old grandson. He absolutely broke those kids hearts when he stole their musical instrutments, X Box, video games and other hand held video games I don't know the name of. Instead of letting the police handle it and him going to jail like he should, his mother went to the pawn shop and picked up what could be found. His mother is suicidal,again, and it is just sad. My daughter's husband is another example of no consequences but I won't go into that story. Draw a line and don't let your daughter cross it no matter what. If she assaults you...PRESS CHARGES! Don't let her use your grandson as a weapon because if you stay strong, you may give him a better mom. I love my daughters enough to risk them not liking me for doing the right thing. As far as the verbal abuse...remove yourself from earshot when she starts so she will eventually get the idea that when she goes there, it will be without you as an audience. The one necessary ingredient for a tantrum is an audience. You have so much more value than your daughter is giving you and she will not respect you until you do so first. Forgive me if this sounds harsh but I really want you to see that you deserve to be happy just as much as everyone else. Take back your life and be a role model for your grandson on courage. Also...we can't do anything about yesterday so why listen to all the garbage about something you can do nothing about? Hugs, JO
  • Reply #4 08/27/09  7:55pm
    Welcome to PEACE. I think Pam and Jo have given you excellent advice. I would repeat that no one has the right to physically or verbally abuse you.
  • Reply #5 08/27/09  10:30pm
    I can only add this, if your daughter was not your daughter, would you put up with this bad behavior?

    Of course you would not, no one would take this kind of abuse from a stranger or a neighbour so why do we feel we have to take it from our kids. She is an adult with the capacity to take responsibiity for her actions. So do not enable her to abuse you. Make a stand and tell her quite firmly that unless she can treat you with the respect that you deserve, then she can keep her distance until she can. Do not let her abuse your or allow her to abuse your grandchild, because believe me if she is abusive toward you, she is abusive toward the child.
  • Reply #6 08/28/09  2:14pm
    Crumbs - don't take the nonsense, you deserve a cake - not the leftovers! Treat yourself well, distance yourself. I speak from experience...Yes, I do have a role (mostly) as a babysitter to my daughter's children, but I have even started to let that go...
    Value yourself - first!
  • Reply #7 08/28/09  2:57pm
    I am in the same boat as you are. We love our children but do NOT have to take their abuse. I told my son that I was not going to take it another day. Sometimes we have to love a person from a DISTANCE... Love & prayers, Janet.
  • Reply #8 08/28/09  4:26pm
    i am so sorry that so sad that a daughter could hit her mum,i have had lots of verbal abuse and its hard to take but mine was from her partner not her .you need to be safe ,could your daughter get help for her illness.and is your granchild safe.please take care xx
  • Reply #9 08/28/09  5:52pm
    Hi--I do not know if this site is what you are looking for as we are healing the hurt from estrangements.....and it does not sound like that is your problem. Be sure you stay safe.....I would suggest family counseling for a situation that seems really violent at the present......and the support of a group on enabling, co-dependency and family violence.....of which there are many on DS.
  • Reply #10 08/28/09  7:12pm
    Dear Awesome, I am able to diagnose and my daughter has been bipolar since she was perinatal. We are in exactly the same boat--except that I haven't been allowed to see my g'daughter in four long years. My daughter's last visit home was accompanied by violence. She brings up stuff from the past but embellishes it. I think she's delusional. Her SO is also bipolar. Come here for support and wisdom. There's always plenty around~ hugs, sara


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