Discussion Topic

Question about children's Birthday

Posted on 07/31/09, 10:40 am
I have two daughters with their birthdays being three days (and 3 years) apart. What do you do about the child that is not speaking to you? Do you still try to send them a card, phone call, text message, or nothing? I'm not sure what to do... My daughter that still speaks to me I'm taking shopping this weekend but the daughter that doesn't speak to me at all what do I do? I don't feel like I should reward her just bc her sister is getting something from me. She didn't call me for either Mother's day or my birthday and I know I was hurt - I don't want to get revenge or anything but I don't want to get hurt anymore either. Advise please.
Showing 1 - 10 of 22 Replies
  • Reply #1 07/31/09  10:49am
    I guess it depends on how you feel....I sent cards and also gifts to my girls and grandchildren,but after a couple of years of sending cards and gifts and getting no acknowledgement in return,I decided I would not send anything this year for birthdays or holidays..and honestly I was not as upset as I was when I had been trying to find the perfect card that said the perfect thing....I have to believe it got their attention,after getting cards and being remembered,and then assuming mom would send cards this year as well.... they got the same treatment I had been given.I hope ....no, I know,it had to have shocked them that mom did not send a card.
  • Reply #2 07/31/09  10:53am
    I don't think it's revenge, if you don't acknowledge her birthday. It's simply giving her what she wants...no contact. If it would make you feel better, then send a card. But, if she doesn't respond with a 'thank you' or even acknowledge that she recieved it, will you be hurt? If you expect no response, there's no harm in letting her know you love her. I'd stay away from the super mushy cards though. That might turn her off. I personally don't send anything but, that's my choice. It doesn't have to be yours.

    Good luck...
    Hugs
    Pam
  • Reply #3 07/31/09  11:10am
    Very opportune thread. My oldest has a birthday coming up in August, and I've been struggling with what to do. It's such a milestone too...his 18th birthday. :(
    Pam has answered it for me. He hasn't replied to any of the notes I've sent him in the past couple of months, and I don't expect he'd reply to a birthday note/wish either.
    I'm done with being rejected.

    I know I love him, and I know I miss him. It's his choice to not 'know' that, not mine.

    Do what feels right to YOU Kat.

    Hugs,
    Tash
  • Reply #4 07/31/09  12:12pm
    Yeah, theres no right or wrong . Do what you feel is best for you.This year, I saved myself a card, a gift, and money. And didn't have to worry about the thankless task. Hey, I just gave him the same as hes given us...a big fat ZERO.
  • Reply #5 07/31/09  12:40pm
    This year I have sent cards to my daughter and SIL for their birthdays and Mother's/Father's Day. I did receive a Mother's Day card from my daughter. I am giving their children birthday presents for the last time this year. The one grandchild who has already received his present never acknowledged it. I know it was delivered because I tracked the package. This year I turn 60 and I expect nothing from my daughter. When her MIL turned 60 she and her husband gave them a party and a weekend at a bed & breakfast. After their last child's birthday in September I am done sending anything. The money I would have spent on them for Christmas will go to charity.

    For my son and his family I continue to do what I have always done. If my daughter has a problem with it that is too bad. Next year I am going to take my daughter out of my will and leave her share to charity.

    Like the others I think each of us needs to do what we are comfortable with. My mom left my brother half of her estate even after he moved her money into his savings account when she was in the hospital. (He was on all her accounts) It took 2 lawyers for her to get her money back. That was her choice but I will not follow in her footsteps.
  • Reply #6 07/31/09  12:52pm
    My daughter is almost completely estranged.....we get a photo postcard at Christmas, sometimes a birthday card...me only, flowers at Mother's Day with the exact same note every year......that's it....no verbal or written communication regarding whether they even have children or not. Our son sometimes forgets (I enable him by telling myself that he is just so busy).......I finally told him that I look forward to and need at least a call from him on holidays and special occasions......he is making an effort and even called us to say "Happy 4th of July" this year......then we do not hear from him for too long in between and hardly have contact with our granddaughter for months at a time and she is growing so fast......but I am taking what I receive without pushing him as I am so hurt by what our daughter has done that I will take even a little....... gratefully. Whew, it is hard. I, until recently sent e-mails to my daughter, begging for contact and/or to attend counseling with her.....no more of that. I now send only cards on Christmas and birthdays to them both......if I find something that I feel that my son will truly appreciate, I do buy it for him and send it as a special surprise (like a "Tommy" GPS for the car when he moved to Washington D.C......and he said it was a "godsend" in looking for a place to live and getting around in the new city.) The same with our granddaughter (almost 6)....except I do send her multiple birthday and Christmas gifts still....usually a couple of toys and an outfit to wear. She has gone through so much change with their divorce and then their agreement to split her 6 mos. of the year with each....and call the other EVERY night so she can talk and say "goodnight" to the other. She is very hurt and misses one of them all of the time. Heartbreaking...... Donna
  • Reply #7 07/31/09  1:21pm
    Thank you all for your replies. I'm still not sure what I will do, her b-day is next Friday and I bet she will text me about getting the GC for the wked which I will do. That is the only thing we talk about is date, time to exchange the GC.
    After reading some of the posts I have the same problem in the store if I see something my D likes(she loves betty boop). I kinda broke down last and my BF didn't know what to do...
    School will be starting next week and we have no way of knowing if they have clothes, supplies or even enrolled in school. I told my older Daughter to see if she can find out if everything is under control. Last year my son, other daughter and myself all came together to buy this stuff for them. I don't want to offer to pay for stuff and my daughter just keep depending that the money will keep on coming but I don't want my GC to do without either. They are 4 & 5 years old.
  • Reply #8 07/31/09  1:41pm
    Of course she'll want you to take the kids so she can go out and enjoy her BD and not have to worry about paying for a sitter. But, that still doesn't mean you have to acknowledge her BD unless you want to. At least you get to enjoy the GC and that will make you smile for sure. Nothing says you can't pick up a couple of outfits and some new shoes for them for school either. That's what grandparents do...we don't need a reason. If they don't go to school at least they'll have the new stuff. She may not put the 4 yr old in but, I would think she surely will have to put the 5 yr old in Kindergarten. Just wondering....why does school start so soon there?

    Whatever you decide, I hope it brings you peace...
  • Reply #9 07/31/09  2:32pm
    Both the kids should be in school. The 4 yr old needs speech - she was in school last year to. I don't know why it starts so early here...seems like it gets earlier every year and they have to wear uniforms.

    Thank you for the reply - yes that is right I can send clothes with them if I want and your right keeping the kids for her should be enough!
  • Reply #10 07/31/09  3:44pm
    This mothers day (we had not talked to my son in 2 months) he sent me some beautiful roses and had went to the store got a nice card that said how the mother was always there to support, love etc. In small print he wrote with love and signed his name. He went to the florist and had the card delivered with the flowers. But, I didn't know what I was going to do, Call and thank him, e-mail him, or just do nothing. On mothers day my youngest son came over we had breakfast (he had to work at 2:00) He stayed till 1:30 and went to work. Then my daughter and her fiance came over at 3:00 . (My estranged son lives across the street from me) My husband,myself, daughter and her fiance went out front to wash cars (it was fun) My son was home across the street and he never walked across to say did you get my flowers? Or happy mothers day, nothing. So I felt I owed him no thank you for the flowers. At that point, To me they were sent to only make himself feel as if he did something. (Usually I would be thrilled getting flowers from him) It was an easy way out. And I think it was done only so that I would be the one to get in touch with him. (Plus the girlfriend who is the one that caused all this was at his house!) 2 weeks after was his 28th birthday. (We make big things over birthdays) My husband and myself decided no card, no gift. If he couldn't walk across the street for mothers day then oh well. His sister texted happy birthday to him and told him she wanted to take him to dinner for his birthday gift when he had off of work. And his younger brother did nothing. I am sure he was so shocked that we didn't do anything. However, fathers day came 2 weeks after that. He sent no card, no phone call to his dad. I am sure he felt justified because we did nothing for him. But I'm sure he didn't even think how hurt I was that he couldn't walk across the street!! 2 weeks after that was his dads birthday. And again he did nothing. So guess he feels justified in doing so. It had to hurt him that we did nothing. Did I do it out of spite? probably, but I think I also and mainly did not do anything because I could have cared less about flowers. I just wanted him to walk across the street and say happy mothers day. So in my case you can see what happened by us not sending a card, a gift, a phone call. If your daughter is sending you cards, etc. you might consider sending something back. And if you do not it might end up like my situation. It really hurts but I want him to get in touch because he misses, needs, and loves us. He is used to being with all the family for special occasions. And I am sure he wishes it was different. But to me if we do not have a relationship otherwise I don't need him there for those occasions. I and my husband have told him. We were so so close and we are not willing to be part time parents its all or non. Good luck in your descision and also remember what you do they probably will follow.

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Do you have adult children, who have blamed you for everything wrong in their childhood, lost contact either through addiction, divorce, or in laws? No phone calls for birthdays, Mother's day, just no communication. How do you cope with the emptiness, the painful loss of not having your children in your life? *WARNING*: Read this note about privacy: http://www.dailystrength.org/people/548/journal/1802327