Discussion Topic

Confused as to why my daughter turned her back on me

Posted on 12/25/08, 02:30 am
It's Christmas eve. There's a blizzard outside. My son is in Oregon and we were going to spend the holiday together.

My daughter is only thirty miles away, yet I know that I won't get a card or even a call from her. This all started after Katrina. Her father lived near where it came ashore. She called around to find out if he was still alive and he called her from Texas.

I know he told her a couple of lies. Big ones. He said that I gave him gonorrhea! and he told her that he tried to molest her when she was 14 because he had a drinking problem!

I'm assuming that she bought these stories and more that I haven't heard about since that was the end of our relationship and the end of my being able to see my granddaughter.

Her father is a diagnosed psychopath. During the 14 years that I raised my kids by myself he only saw them for six days! He got a month's vacation every year. No birthday or Christmas presents. Didn't even attend graduation ceremonies. But he is one smooth talker. That's why I married the S.O.B.

Her boyfriend also believes this crap and just embellishes it! He called and left a long message on my machine telling me that I was a horrible parent and am a horrible human being. [expletives deleted]

I have accepted that I will probably never see my daughter or granddaughter again. It seems so unfair. I am enraged. I gave my kids everything I had emotionally and materially when I raised them.

I have so much pain over this tonight that I am aching. HELP.
Showing 1 - 10 of 12 Replies
  • Reply #1 12/25/08  2:59am
    I share your pain. It is one reason I am still awake at 3:00am. I did not see my daughter and her family for Thanksgiving and I won't for Christmas. They are spending both holidays with her in-laws. It has been eight months since I finally stood up to my daughter and since then I have been forbidden to have any contact with my grandchildren. Like you, I cannot believe that my daughter is doing this to me. I never would have done this to my mom. I will pray that tomorrow is a better day for you.
  • Reply #2 12/25/08  7:54am
    I can not understand why Adult Children that have been raised by good parents can do their parents this way. It is mind-boggling. Our generation was not raised to hold onto a GRUDGE but this new generation will hold onto one until they die. I thank God that I can give the situation to Him and let Him take care of it. I pray 2009 will be a better year for all of us. Love, Janet.
  • Reply #3 12/25/08  10:35am
    I agree 100%. My daughter has to drive my grandchildren to school because she isn't talking to most of her neighbors. In high school she had a different "best" friend every year. What is amazing as well is that she and her husband are proud of the fact that they are so unforgiving. Luckily for me my son is not at all like this. I have also turned my daughter over to the Lord. My heart cannot stay broken for the rest of my life. I trust that God will keep her in His hands and I know that the Lord will always be by my side as well.
  • Reply #4 12/26/08  10:18am
    There definitely is a process in emotional pain. The children we brought up are not the same as we were when we were growing up. Shakysara, there may be a lot of reasons for your daughter's estrangement. It sounds like you're dammed if you do and dammed if you don't. We can't change other people so the only change we can make is in ourselves. If your daughter stays away because of your ex, she may see him for what he is sooner or later. The sad thing is you might have to wait it out. Life changes constantly. It never sits still, so I too, while my son lives and learns I will play the waiting game. I have come to the point in my pain where I will focus on my oldest son who is my biggest support right now and am so greatful for that. The rest is all BS to me!!! The pain stays but not as strong and not as frequently. Take care of yourself! Be good to yourself. I send you lots of energy and hope you get through this with more empathy for yourself and less pain. Love and prayers for you, Eve
  • Reply #5 12/26/08  6:01pm
    I did not see or hear from my daughter although I sent her a text that if she was alone she was welcome to stop by but it had to be a polite and peaceful visit. I found out that she called hher son's dad and did not want to see my grandson.
    My 3 sons came over, one I have not heard from in 3 yrs, bringing a gift for me and not my husband who bailed him from jail and never repaid thousands. That hurt. He then said he will bring his son today to visit and then my other son said "hey why not bring him to my house tomorrow in front of my 2 other grands, as it has been a while we have not had him over. My 2 other dark skinned ones were never ever at his house.
    Well today I called to ask what time he would be over with his son and he said well we are going to ??? house and we may not leave til 10 so I'll bring him tomorrow or whatever. I said I need to know a time 12"30 I guess. What SOBS. Imagine we had an agreement that my grandson would be here today and my other son who sees him all the time and me twice in 3 yrs, had the nerve to override and invite them to his house instead.
    Oh I forgot that before they left no one commented that mom fixed up the house and it's all decorated and she cooked, but I was told about the thinning of my hair and the washer and dryer out front and how embarrassing it looks.
    I go around and collect things and give to abused women leaving the shelter. Not a word to say 'mom we are proud that you have been tirelessly doing this for yrs.
    I am so blue so sad, and I hurt for all of us. I pray for all of us.
    It is the new breed of human beings. Disconnected discontented, selfish breed.

    Love to all Jo
  • Reply #6 12/26/08  10:53pm
    I just came back from a wonderful visit with my son and his family. I spent time with him, my daughter-in-law and their three children. Yesterday my estranged daughter left a phone message on my home phone and today I called and said I was sorry to have missed her call, hoped she and her family had a wonderful day, told her i loved and missed her and hoped to see her in the new year. Now the ball is in court.

    I agree that the younger generation is far more selfish than we were. They are also far less respectful. The night I had the big blow with my daughter and son-in-law one comment they made that was I acted like I was on vacation while at their home. This was after I went grocery shopping and babysat their three children so they could go out for dinner and a movie. When they returned home my grandchildren and I were all cuddled together on the sofa and the first thing out of my daughter and son-in-laws mouths was to complain that the children had not done their evening chores. It seems we can't win no matter what we do.
  • Reply #7 12/29/08  1:12pm
    I appreciate the support and advice from everyone. I spent Christmas alone, but have the flu and slept most of the day. I'm familiar with bipolar mania. Daughter's BF has it. He's a rapid cycler. Doesn's take his meds. Has severe diabetes with blood sugars ranging in the 500-600 my/dl range. Won't take care of that either!

    Thank you all for your kindness. I don't think it's a generational thing. I have a son who treats me well. I think it's an individual thing. I don't know what makes some kids run off the road and others steer the course.

    Much love to all. Peace. xx SARA
  • Reply #8 12/29/08  5:58pm
    I am familiar with the bipolar mania with my daughter as well. My daughter has been in and out of my life for years now, depending on if she needs something. I finally stood up to her this year and now she wants nothing to do with me at all. I did invite her to visit over the Christmas holiday, she accepted and deliberately did not show up or call. I called to ask her why and she rudely told me to leave her alone and not to call her anymore. This hurts so much... she is my only child and the only family I have left except for a half brother who lives 1500 miles away.

    I have struggled to accept the fact that even though I was a good mother, my 30 year old daughter HATES me. She has become the most hateful, rude and disrespectful person over the last 10 years. It is the most painful thing I have ever had to deal with. I wish now that I had had another child.

  • Reply #9 05/20/09  7:00pm
    Isn't it just like us mothers and fathers who raised their children with all the love we could only to be cast away like lepors? In fact, our maternal/paternal instincts are still alive and well. We are taking the heartache for their mistakes. Crazy, huh?
  • Reply #10 05/20/09  7:18pm
    Unconditional love. Donna


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