Discussion Topic

My Children Hate Me

Posted on 10/12/08, 04:53 pm
I have always believed that if you have a problem you have to find a solution to solve it. Here I am almost 60 years of age and just now realized I did everything in the last 60 years all wrong. A whole lifetime of mistakes. My three children hate me and I don't really know why. They say I'm too negative, I smoke too much and I talk about things they do not need to know. I can't believe it! My youngest son told me a year and a half ago that he wants nothing to do with me. Don't call me or e-mail me. When I asked why he said he will call me sometime to explain. I have seen him at family gatherings, funerals and a wedding. He gives me a peck on the cheeks, says Hi Mom and thats it. I do not hear from him again. I called at his B-Day and he was very polite, said thanks for calling and thats it! My daughter never calls me and when I told her I would like to have her kids for the day, she said she didn't want her kids to see me smoke, I tell them things they should not know and my mothers house smells. (I am caretaker of my 86 year old mother). The house is old, my parents have lived in this house for the last 50 years and yes I would have to completely re-do this house. It is cluttered, but it is not dirty. We have a cleaning lady and I certainly do my share. I have my whole life kept 2 households, and worked full time to help send my kids through school and pay for holidays etc.. Both my boys went to private school and have a good career today and are well off. I was careful thoughout their growing up to never abuse them (I'm a survivor of abuse) because I was always afraid that they would hate me the way I hated my parents growing up. They say you create the thing you fear most! My oldest son does let me see my granddaughter once every two weeks and I am greatfull for that. However, he refuses to speak to me about the rest of his siblings or anything other than his daughter. I have respected their wishes thinking that eventually they will try to work things out with me but the longer this continues the worse I am getting. Between deep depression, wanting to die and having no purpose, I've hung on because of my granddaughter and oldest son. But the pain is unbearable. I have been drinking to get through the nights but numbing out the pain is not the answer. I go to bed thinking of this, wake in the night thinking of this and wake in the morning the same way. I have started to meditate and go swimming three times a week just to get out of the house. I have developed agoraphobia and have to force myself to go out of the house. Shopping for me has become a big deal never mind a social life. I want to do right for whatever wrong I did to them. I just don't know how and what! I am at the point where I need to feel I just don't care anymore. But everytime they throw me a bone I am sooooooooo greatful. Then I hate myself for being so weak. Then I hate them for being so cruel and then I feel so guilty for feeling hatred for my own children. Can anyone out there give me an idea of how to get off this MAD merry go round?
Showing 1 - 10 of 67 Replies
  • Reply #1 10/12/08  6:31pm
    Oh eve 110 I wish so very much that I had the magic words to make all of this go away. I am so sorry that you are in so much pain. I don't know what it is today but there are so many of us in very smiliar situations. Children who just don't relate to their parents. I know I did not raise my youngest to be the woman she has become. It hurts me so to read your story. Just know you are not alone. Take care of yourself. I am here if you need to talk. Love and hugs, barb
  • Reply #2 10/12/08  6:38pm
    barbs56 Thanks, it helps so much when you know that someone understands! Love Eve
  • Reply #3 10/12/08  6:49pm
    You are welcome. I don't think I have any advice to give you though because I too am on the same Merry Go Round.... only there isn't anything merry about it. Just take care of yourself...........love and hugs, barb
  • Reply #4 10/12/08  7:43pm
    Oh Eve! Your story mirrors mine. I know your pain and understand exactly what you are talking about and how you feel. I could have written this post describing my situation, as others here know, I have. I have finally come to the only decision I could... but along the way I have felt just as you describe. Please hang in there, and know I and others here understand and are here to support you. Love ~Debbie
  • Reply #5 10/12/08  11:02pm
    I have advice.
    Change your use of pronouns.
    They, she, he...let em all go.
    I want, I think, I feel, I need, I am...
    Think of you as being first right now.
    They have made their decisions.
    You are exhausting yourself to try and figure out what you did to cause this.
    You may have had little to do with what is happening with your children.
    Just maybe you were negative because of the depression you have had for 15 years.
    Negative thinking is a symptom of depression.
    It is unfortunate that your illness may have caused your children discomfort.
    But it is what it is...an illness.
    Families are supposed to be a safe place.
    Healthy family members support an ill person in any way they can.
    I am sorry your children have not been there for you.
    Now is the time for you to start to make a better life for yourself.
    You count. You are important. You are deserving. You are precious.
    I also suffer from Agoraphobia.
    I would like to consider looking at the swimming as part of your recovery.
    You are forcing yourself to get out of the house to fight your anxiety.
    This is a success right here !
    Empower yourself, by congratulating yourself on the swimming issue.
    It really is great.
    I do wish I was able to do what you are doing.

    Strengthen yourself for you and all the good people that are waiting to come into your life.
    No matter what our children do with their lives, WE can still have a wonderful life, too.
    I am so glad you are here with us.

  • Reply #6 10/12/08  11:11pm
    Eve, my heart goes out to you. As everyone here has said, this seems to be a problem that is happening all too many times. It hurts and I thought my middle son was actually responding and we were going to start communicating more, but it now appears he is slipping away with his wife and daughter. I am sorry again and want you to know I am here for you anytime to chat and for comfort and support.
  • Reply #7 10/12/08  11:26pm
    And another thing...what if they DO hate you ?
    So what !
    The only thing that is important right now is what YOU think of you.
    Even if you were absolutely perfect, there would be some that would find you lacking in some way.
    It hurts so much when these people are our grown children.
    Still, recovering from your pain and depression is all about your right now.
    If you do not like all of who you are...fine.
    Then slowly, a drop at a time, make changes in your life.
    You are swimming three times a week.
    You work hard around your home.
    Good for you.
    That is something of which I am envious.
    But...what an accomplishment for you.
    What else would you like to do ?
    Would you like to go to see a matinee movie feature some time this week or next week ?
    I bet you could find a good film to see.
    It was hard for me to start doing this.
    I go to the matinees. This way, it cause me less anxiety because there are less people.
    How about the library... ?
    Do you like it there ?
    If you have any extra cash, you could get a pedicure or a massage.
    I save earnestly during the month so I can get a pedicure every four to six weeks.
    My feet feel great.
    A foot massage comes with the pedicure.
    It stimulates nerve endings in the feet that go throughout the body.
    Plus, I pick colors that are exciting to me, like aqua or cobalt blue.
    Then I have a sparkling glitter put over the top of the color base.
    My toes are happy and they look great.
    Right now, I have navy blue polish with silver sparkling glitter polish.
    I call it Starry, Starry Nights.
    You can find things that you like to do, that have nothing to do with your children, that make you feel good about yourself.
    Come on...let's start today.
    You can do it !

    I am sorry I got so fired up.
    I just hate seeing you down on yourself.
    You and I, we will work on changing our negative thoughts to positive ones.
    You did well, Eve !
    You joined PEACE.
    That means you have already started to strengthen yourself.
    You have made friends already.
    You are very articulate and expressive.
    Obviously you are an intelligent woman.
    I think you have an awful lot going for you, Eve.

  • Reply #8 10/12/08  11:38pm
    Eve....guess who this is ?

    I tried to send you a hug message.
    I received a note saying that you have not yet confirmed your email address of account.
    Let's get you all signed up there, girl.
    You will be able to meet lots of lovely people and get nice messages from them, too.
  • Reply #9 10/13/08  8:37am
    Thank you all. All of you are so kind and thanks for the advice GoodGod. It is well taken. You are absolutely right. My children have no idea what depression is and what comes with it. What I left out in the beginning was that my ex-husband is a saint. Part of my divorce was when I first got sick and went into 7 years of intensive counseling to overcome childhood abuse by my stepfather and the whole time he made me the enemy in the house with my children. Instead of saying to them, Mom is sick and needs our help and support, he made me look like I was doing things or at the time not doing things like I did it out of not caring. To this day he has kept up this kind of silent rage against me without ever saying a bad word against me. He plays my children like a violin. I realize now after knowing him for almost 40 years that he has always done this to me and that is all the children ever saw. I never realized it!!!! There is much more but I will leave that for now. Maybe a whole other subject! Thank you all again for caring and sharing. I am so sorry that there are mothers who have this tremendous loss and rejection in their lives. How horrible!
  • Reply #10 10/18/08  12:04pm
    Dear Even 110:

    Please don't blame yourself. After my divorce 27 years ago I have not seen my 4 adult kids much. They tell people not to tell me where they live. It mostly mental illnesses. In addition, they were turned against me because I divorced their dad. It is a long and horror of a story; however, I know that I am not alone; however, I did not know there was a support group online. My heart goes out to you and all mothers that don't see their "babies." I don't know how I have been able to endure. I don't know if I will be able to be active in a support group. My health and mind cannot withstand the memories and the pain; therefore, I just live as a woman alone and get the problem out of my mind, so I think. Actually, it is in my mind every day of my life and there is nothing much I can do. My 3 adult kids want nothing to do with me. They live lives of perdition, which is against my values, and they know it. Oh yes, I do know how I can endure, by following Jesus and praying for them. Think of it this way, praying for them has far more value than seeing them and being with them. Of course, having both would be better. I offer my sufferings to the Lord, becasue He needs so many sacrifieces to save the world and our children. Just think that the one to blame is satan. He is the one destroying lives. Satan is stronger than human beings who are not devoutly following Jesus. May God bless you and all mothers who are suffering. Just remember we will be rewarded in heaven, where our kingdom is.


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Do you have adult children, who have blamed you for everything wrong in their childhood, lost contact either through addiction, divorce, or in laws? No phone calls for birthdays, Mother's day, just no communication. How do you cope with the emptiness, the painful loss of not having your children in your life? *WARNING*: Read this note about privacy: http://www.dailystrength.org/people/548/journal/1802327