Will things ever changePosted on 12/11/13, 01:16 am
I had two beautiful daughters, eight years apart. I gave them everything they needed (and most of what they wanted--unfortunately). But, I couldn't stay married to their father due to his mental illness that started showing up in his 30s. I learned his grandparents and mother had undiagnosed bipolar disease. Both daughters have mental illness. Youngest diagnosed as severe bipolar. The eldest was never diagnosed but I can tell she is selfish, narcisistic, competitive (but in the wrong way), and I fear borderline personality disorder. She asked me and my husb to do a background search on the guy she was dating - he always had a lot of cash in his pockets, no credit cards and spent money like crazy. My daughter is a college graduate who put herself through school at least 50 percent. She wanted to get married and didn't want to keep dating. She would say things like 'mom, I'm 24 now, by the time you were my age, I was already 2-3 years old. I explained life isn't like that. The right one will come along when you let go of the wrong one - but he had the money - so she married that creep! Even though she asked us for the background check, she still married him and I guess realizing she couldn't have us in her life after what we learned, she devastated us and dropped us. That was nearly 6 years ago. I have cried nearly every day since. I have analyzed and tried so hard to reach them but it's no use. I feel like they don't love me. They don't call and I don't have their numbers, they don't email and I don't have their email addresses. The eldest married the loser and moved to Canada and now has a 2 year old and an 8 month old but I only discovered it by accident on the Internet. They don't post anything any more because I am a software developer and I can find anything that's there. I was at every parent teacher conference, every dance recital, every choir performance, every softball game. I gave great rewards for accomplishments. I'm very sensitive and loved surprising them with little things. I learned how to parent from my father who was so wonderful. I don't want to give up but my heart is so broken. My husband and I are going to sell our family home that I prepared for them to come back to. I built in all kinds of traditions. I need to get out of this house because there are so many memories. When the school bus comes by at 3:10 PM every weekday, I look up and expect to see my younger daughter come into my office, drop her backbag, collapse on the floor and say 'hey mom' and I would always say 'hey sweetie, how was school. I missed you today? Any homework for us?" I would help with her homework if she needed any artwork! LOL I have all those memories that are wonderful but now only cause me pain. I put a Christmas tree up tonight and found all of their ornaments I created every year with their picture inside. It kills me but how in the world can they hurt me this way? My heart longs for them so badly but my brain says - if they feel they can treat you this way, why should you care? Until my eldest daughter leaves that loser she married (if ever), then I think everything would be fine. Now, here is Christmas and my eldest loves Christmas. I want to send them things but I don't even have their addresses and I can't trust their father (my ex husband) at all. They still talk to him and he was the worst father in the world. They were just an after thought to him. He cancelled nearly every visitation he had with them. My husband that I have now taught the youngest one how to swim, how to snorkel, how to drive, etc and he has been devastated but you know not like me - their mother. I miss them so badly and love them so much. I had no idea this estrangement practice was widespread. I'm thinking of writing a book and trying to get so popular that I go on the network morning shows to get their attention. Thanks for reading. Sincerely, Sunflower.
Reply #1 12/11/13 6:46am
Hi Sunflower, it will get better because it appears that you have done every earthly thing possible. I have endured the same for many years and what I have noticed is that I have changed...for the better i.e. more aware, less dependent and more prayerful. I have also made myself emotionally available to motherless young people who cross my path. Does not replace ...but it sure has helped to anchor my soul.
Reply #2 12/11/13 6:23pm
Reply #3 12/11/13 8:31pm
Sorry Sunflower, Come often and read lots of posts. We all have been where you are now. Do things for yourself and give your daughters some space for awhile.
Reply #4 02/24/14 3:48pm
Thanks for all of the encouraging words ladies. I haven't been on here for a while but things haven't changed and really got worse with the eldest daughter. She has borderline personality disorder and read an email I sent her and then responded to it that I had the wrong person with the same name as she. That was impossible because I sent the message to her Facebook and she replied from her Facebook. In the email she actually listed "I don't ever get on Facebook." She is such a terrible person. I don't know what it takes for a mother to finally lose their love of their child but I do feel differently toward her now.
The other girl - I sent a big Christmas gift to - she claimed she didnt' receive it - but a bottle of D&G Light Blue spray (68.00 on Scentiments) was missing. The Christmas ornaments and everything else was in there. So someone at that address got the fragrance. She is Bipolar.
Seems like I'm a little better. I'm just glad the holidays are over and my birthday was last week. That was kind of hard. Now I just have to get past Mother's Day. I was doing some thinking about my father who was a wonderful, intelligent man. I could answer any question exactly how he would. So I was thinking about what he would tell me in regards to them and this is what he would say "you are such a wonderful person and a wonderful mother. They don't deserve you and you should not be suffering this way. How dare them treat you like this. You know you are better than this. Just leave them alone and if they try to contact you don't be available to them. I raised you to have a healthy self esteem and I know what kind of person you are. After I thought about that, I started feeling better. It's my memories of them during their milestones of growing up that really hurt. I still have whole days where I cry or fight back tears. Not just for me but for all this generation of parents who are being so mistreated. Thanks for reading Everyone and have a great evening.
Reply #5 02/24/14 4:14pm
100% agree with your father. Your EC have devalued you to the point where you have lost sight of the loving, caring person your dad was so proud of. Accept that your EC' s have little or no concern for your well-being and happiness, at present anyway, and it is not your fault their hearts have turned so cold towards you. The main thing is that once you accept yourself for the person you really are, releasing negative view of you and everything associated with it, the pain will lessen. You are not to blame and there is nothing you can do except take back power from your ECs over your emotional life.
Reply #6 02/25/14 3:11am
Hello sunflower8533, I just wanted to wish you a belated Happy Birthday for last week. I hope the day went as well as it could.
Your Dad is right - that must be very comforting to have had a Father like yours
And hugs for you today, Daisymay
Reply #7 02/25/14 11:00am
Please stay off Dr. Phil's show. He will devastate you.
I wish my Dad was still alive because he would have set my EDs straight in his gentle loving way.
Reply #8 02/26/14 6:45pm
sunflwr,,,im hoping things are a bit brighter for u huggs
Reply #9 02/26/14 6:50pm
You ask if things can change. Of course they can! YOU change them. Figure out what you want, what is acceptable, what isn't, and then change your life up to please yourself. This IS the time in life to be selfish and take care of yourself.
Not as hard as you think.
(And AndiRB - I am in total agreement with the Stay Away From Dr Phil. Man is an idiot and I'm sorry if I offended anyone who likes him. Sometimes he is on at the gym and I have watched him be terrible on his shows and make things worse.)
Reply #10 02/26/14 7:08pm
You can change your attitude. Her excuse of bipolar does not cut it. She is just mean. Stay off Dr. Phil. My daughter-who happens to be brilliant-received gold earrings one year for Christmas and called the company that I had ordered them from and said she didn't get them (go figure how this happened), so they mailed her another pair. These estranged children-mean adults-are masters at deception. They are not our small lovable children. They rewrite history, change facts, and lie at the drop of a hat. They may or may not have an spouse that brainwashed them or an father from hell that brainwashed them but somehow they are damaged and they like being damaged. They have no need for us as parents. And somehow we must accept this or they will be dancing on our graves. I have been on this merry--go-round for 28 years.
Do you have adult children, who have blamed you for everything wrong in their childhood, lost contact either through addiction, divorce, or in laws? No phone calls for birthdays, Mother's day, just no communication. How do you cope with the emptiness, the painful loss of not having your children in your life? *WARNING*: Read this note about privacy: http://www.dailystrength.org/people/548/journal/1802327