Discussion Topic

Estranged son

Posted on 09/10/13, 09:33 pm
I just found this site and so happy to find support yet so unsetting to see so many parents suffer. I am a victim of a terrible divorce that turned very ugly. Consequently, my ex turned our son against me. To this day I have no idea what I did or did not do. I can't go back and could of, should of, would of, I need to help with coping, closure and the basic fundamentals of getting by day to day. I frequently cry and recently became clinically depressed. I know I can't go on like this. Its affecting my currently relationship with my family and friends. How do I cope? I need help.
Showing 1 - 10 of 13 Replies
  • Reply #1 09/10/13  9:46pm
    You have found some friends here. This site is wonderful because you can state your truest feelings and no one judges you. In some way everyone here has similarities in their story. It will get better for you, writing helps and staying close with friends and family. It has been 4 years for me and I am not going to say that it is not hard still but I do mange to have a pretty good life. I count my blessings each day and try not to dwell on the horribleness of this situation. I hope that you find a way to cope and keep coming to this site, it really helps.

  • Reply #2 09/10/13  9:50pm
    Hi s123 and welcome to the forum, you have come to the right place... you are experiencing every feeling that comes with estrangement, in time it won't happen as often, you have to think about yourself, don't look back at the past, look at YOUR future... you will never, ever figure out what you did and most EC don't say or if they do it is all lies.. You will always have a empty spot in your heart, but you cannot let it control you... been there done that... It has been alittle over 4 years for me and I don't have a lot of bad days now... and if i do they don't last that long... You have to tell yourself it is what it is, don't feel guilty, realize you did the best your could as a mother and let go... Your entitled to a happy life with or without them, we have no control over their decisions... I wish you the best!! HUGS and welcome, we are here for you..
  • Reply #3 09/10/13  10:24pm
    Thanks for you responses:) I truly need to accept the situation, so many tears, so many memories and hoplessness. Few questions to help me cope...How do you tell people you have an ES? How do you interact with other parents or view healthy parent/child relationships? How often do parents think of thier EC? I find myself thinking of it all the time, it consumes my thoughts and now actions. Its affecting my mental health, profession etc. I guess this is the first phase of accepting EC?

  • Reply #4 09/10/13  10:29pm
    Dear s123456d - you have just done yourself the best favour by joining this site. Yes, it is sad that we are all here but what amazing support you will get and you will truly feel the love from everyone here. I am just over five years estranged from my 2 children who are now in their 30's also due to the bitterness of my ex husband through our divorce and my eventual remarriage to my now husband who has been the most wonderful support to me, along with other family and friends. Stay close to whatever family you still have and your truest friends during this difficult time. Also I agree with the other comments above in that in time it will get easier for you although that pain is never very far away. You will cope, we all have. Remember you surely did your best for your son and this is his choice, not yours. It is unfortunately more common than you think, people just don't generally talk about it in day to day life i.e. work etc. The people I work with don't know I am estranged from my kids, I chose not to tell them, for me it is just my way of protecting myself and it is easier. My closest friends do know. My kids have also estranged themselves from any of my friends who they have known since they were little. It's kind of a case of 'well if you speak to my mother then I cut you off too'. It is my kids who are missing out. It is ridiculous but that's how it is. I have my bad days believe me, but life can still be good and you must take care of yourself. You never know who this can happen to and equally you don't know what the future will bring. He may come to his senses in time and with maturity. Until then love him from afar but love yourself too and take care. Come here often, we all pop in briefly sometimes and everyone here is on your side. Hugs to you tonight. xx
  • Reply #5 09/10/13  10:35pm
    If this is as recent as it sounds you might want to find some good one on one counselling to help you cope right now. It has helped me tremendously particularly in the early days. You are STILL his Mother, remember that. No One Else Is!! That can never change. Your son is presumably trying to punish you but he must also realise he is hurting himself. Although my son married 3 yrs ago and I of course was not invited to the wedding my dear daughter in law told me once they returned from honeymoon that he cried like a baby their wedding night, after the huge party was over and the day was done. He cried and said to her 'I love my Mom'. So I know he thought of me on that wonderful day as I did of him. He was and still is under tremendous pressure from his father not to have a relationship with me. Even though he is 34 he is still a little boy in many ways as far as I am concerned by allowing his father to control him in this way. Perhaps your son is finding it the same with your ex pressurising him. Have you tried writing to your ex about this or is that a lost cause? Have you written to your son?
  • Reply #6 09/10/13  10:36pm
    Welcome ....s123456d. This forrum is a life saver. The support is total and the advise is extremely helpful. We all have slightly different circumstances, but all have the same end result.
    I find that I feel so much better posting. It's been 11 months for ES's estrangement from his Dad & I.....and we still have no idea what happened to cause this rift, and probably never will. It's difficult, but we're coping..
    You will too.... it takes time. Hugs
  • Reply #7 09/10/13  10:47pm
    Again thank you so much for your positve responses. Yes, I've tried talking to my ex and numerous attempts to my son. My son has recently cut off all communication with my entire family. He even avoided a recent memorial of a family member who he was close to. We will never understand such behaviors but we can learn to cope. I so thankful for this support group and hope some day I will be the one who is strong and stays positive about life, relationships. Thanks again!!!
  • Reply #8 09/10/13  11:01pm
    s123, it was the same for most of us.. finally i got up one morning and said to myself "NOPE your not ruining this day, you have ruined to many of my days", I didn't think i could cry anymore tears, how could there be more after all i had shed.. you have to get busy with something you enjoy, start thinking about you and your happiness... let go of things that our out of our control... I prayed for my own strength, i needed help through it.. and this site, the people here are so wonderful they have helped me more than i can say... HUGS
  • Reply #9 09/11/13  9:01pm
    s123, In the beginning it is hard to be in certain situations. I often avoid meeting new people because I don't want them to ask if I have any children. I have co workers that don't know and I have worked with them a long time, they always ask me how my son is doing and I always say fine. You will heal from this, maybe not all the way but your good days will start to be better than the bad. I still feel like my heart is broken, it still shocks me that this has happened to me but I have to accept that my ES is a grown man and I cannot change the way he feels. I still have really bad moments, when I see a little girl the same age as my granddaughter seems to make me the saddest. I just keep living and even smiling a lot, you will get there too.
  • Reply #10 09/11/13  10:48pm
    give yourself time allow yourself to grieve your loss
    I personally think Joshua Coleman webinars for beginning estrangement is a good resource if you can do them. posting here will help you feel less alone and we understand most ppl will not

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Do you have adult children, who have blamed you for everything wrong in their childhood, lost contact either through addiction, divorce, or in laws? No phone calls for birthdays, Mother's day, just no communication. How do you cope with the emptiness, the painful loss of not having your children in your life? *WARNING*: Read this note about privacy: http://www.dailystrength.org/people/548/journal/1802327