Thurlibier: Parental Alienation SyndromePosted on 02/16/13, 09:22 am
One topic was about how our ex's seemed to have quite an influence on the estrangements. Here's some information that is worth reading about the problem of parental alienation syndrome.
PAS can cause a LOT of harm. Even corrupting the childs' own attempts at having personal relationships: Very good summation here: http://www.dailystrength.org/c/Chil...
Reply #1 02/16/13 5:15pm
Same here phase, I enjoyed our conversation. You gave me a lot to think about. I have read a lot about parental alienation syndrome and I do believe my children were definitely affected by my Ex. I would urge everyone on this site to read up on it. There may be some answers for you.
Reply #2 02/16/13 10:35pm
I deal with Parent Alienation Syndrome in the divorce and custody cases I see in my practice. This is a systematic brainwashing of children against another parent, usually by the residential parent. It is a syndrome done to children under the ages of 18 for the most part. I must tell you, once started and put into place, it is very difficult to deal with. Now, in courts, parents are mandated not to speak ill of the other parent during divorce cases. Children are assigned attorneys and the parental attorneys can report to the child's attorney if any alienation is suspected. When I see a parent and suspect this is going on, I can report it to the attorney. If it continues, custody can be challenged. This is very well known in the courts of NYC.
Reply #3 02/17/13 4:33pm
I have only just learnt about this syndrome and I am the target parent. In my case he dripped poison about me into their ears for years, and I was silent about him. This has resulted in the children siding with their father as angry teenagers and they haven't really spoken to me for 12 months or so now (longer, I've blanked it out). This has got to be the most destructive type of parenting there is as it renders the child motherless/fatherless. If the child is NEVER allowed to discuss the target parent in good terms, constantly gets rolled eyes and sarcastic comments when the target parents name is mentioned, pretty soon they realise the target parent is considered "bad". Add in the teenage hormones and a tired and overworked single mother and the job of alienation is complete. It is an unknown phenomenon where I live. People always assume I was a terrible mother and that's why my kids won't have much to do with me. The truth is the exact opposite and I can only hope and pray that some common sense kicks in and my kids get out from under his spell. There is literally nothing the target parent can do, which will be "right". Nothing.
Reply #4 02/17/13 4:43pm
When I had to deal with bullying in the workplace, NO ONE KNEW about the topic ( 2004) However, with time, it became more of a talked about issue. There are now laws on the books about it. There are even zero tolerance for bullying in schools in some areas. It was lonely and scary to be in such a huge, slent majority. It hurt very bad and NO ONE UNDERSTOOD IT at the time it was happening to me.
I take heart in all this. Because I feel that PAS will also be exposed and understood in time. I am trying my best to wait it out. Become a bit of an "expert" at what the studies and findings are saying. Talk to others who understand the issue. Try and do NO HARM to my chldren while the jury is out, so to speak.
This WILL come around. I am going to be ready for it when it does. Already, there is talk about legal sanctions against a parent who chooses to abuse his/her kids thru PAS.
Reply #5 02/17/13 5:22pm
The trouble is, part of the syndrome is the child covering up for the alienating parent. No court in the world can adequately police rolled eyes and grunts when the target parent is mentioned by the child. My ex bought a new car and told my kids he was looking for a bumper sticker that said "I still miss my ex but my aim is improving". Yes, this is what he told them around year 5 of our divorce. They thought it was hugely funny.
Reply #6 02/17/13 5:31pm
There are men that take a gun and shoot dead their children... just to destroy the mother.
He might be like that. They are living but he has done his best to decimate you. He is a selfish, insecure pig. Maybe one day your children will see that.
Keep your head up. Keep doing the right things for yourself. Be prepared in case you get an opening to have a better relationship with your kids.
Remember: Preparedness+ opportunity= success.
Reply #7 02/17/13 5:34pm
I'm not religious but I've begun praying. My kids are smart and there's hope - but it doesn't change the fact that they are growing up without a mother and I'm a mother with no children. This has almost destroyed me. I didn't see it coming...which is pretty common in PAS I believe.
Reply #8 02/17/13 5:35pm
I am buttressed by the extreme hardship I had at work. I kept doing right things. I developed strategies using knowledge and support people. Based on literature and statistics, I had less than an 18% chance of being able to keep my job.
I still have my job. The bad people were fired and one was arrested and sentenced. It didnt happen over night. It took over 6 years. But truth has a way of coming out.
You can do this.
Reply #9 02/17/13 5:43pm
Re read this article at the link. There are clues how to do it. there are clues on how to unravel the evils fed to your children:
"Different Pathways to Realization
There appear to be many different pathways to the realization that one has been manipulated by a parent to unnecessarily reject the other parent. Eleven catalysts were described by the interview participants. This represents both good and bad news. The good news is that there are many different ways to evolve from alienation to realization. The bad news is that there is no silver bullet or magic wand to spark that process. For some participants, it was a matter of time and gaining life experience. For others, it was the alienating parent turning on them and, for others, it was becoming a parent and being the target of parental alienation from their own children. For most, the process was just that—a process.
There were a few epiphanies, but most experienced something like a slow chipping away of a long-held belief system, a slow awakening to a different truth and a more authentic self. Most gained self-respect and a connection to reality and were grateful to know “the truth.” At the same time, they acknowledged that this truth was hard won and quite painful. Once they were aware of the parental alienation, they had to come to terms with some painful truths, including that the alienating parent did not have their best interest at heart, that as children they had probably behaved very badly toward someone who did not deserve such treatment, and that they missed out on a relationship that may have had real value and benefit to them. "
Keep articles like this. there will be a chance to just pass on this type of thing for THEM TO DETERMINE what is true and what is not. There are other ideas in that article.
Personally, I am going to persevere in having decent children in my life. they are immature and they are following a pretty rotten example of a guy. But I am willing to let it play out. All the while, I am learning and growing stronger and becoming prepared for having a RECIPROCAL,HEALTHY, ADULT RELATIONSHIP with my adult children. I just wont settle for less.
And if they need to follow around their dad right now, fine.
Reply #10 02/17/13 5:56pm
I just checked your profile and it seems we are virtual twins. :) Im nearing 50 but my life has been nothing but a succession of train wrecks. I suspect I contribute to these but have no clue how. I used to be able to shrug them off and cope but when my kids left it devastated me...still does nearly 4 years later. I always was so proud of them and how well I'd brought them up, alone. I had an unhappy childhood and was so determined to shower my kids with everythng I never had, including an involved father. At the same time my son was leaving I too was being bullied at work, I ended up quitting then having a breakdown, now I have not worked for 18 months and am living in a shared house as the bank is seizing my house that I worked so hard for. I'm sorry this sounds like a huge whine and pity party but I have to wonder...when will I be truly loved? Obviously my life choices have been poor (the man I married) and too many, now I am pretty much destroyed. I see no future :(
Do you have adult children, who have blamed you for everything wrong in their childhood, lost contact either through addiction, divorce, or in laws? No phone calls for birthdays, Mother's day, just no communication. How do you cope with the emptiness, the painful loss of not having your children in your life? *WARNING*: Read this note about privacy: http://www.dailystrength.org/people/548/journal/1802327