Discussion Topic

CONDITIONS FROM ESTRANGED DAUGHTER

Posted on 09/01/12, 09:46 pm
I have been for the most part estranged from my 23 year old daughter since right before Christmas 2011. I had the most heartbreaking Christmas I have ever had in my life. She had been living at home trying to find her direction in a her career path, and had just graduated college. My rules were no overnights with guys either in my home or elsewhere, no drugs, no drinking. She thought I was preventing her from some wonderful illusion she had and at her job met a 43 year old divorced man who quickly took advantage of her desire to get away from her family. I could never meet him, could never visit her apartment, could never call her when he was around, she would hang up. I texted her, wrote her long emails, begged and cried at her doorstep, and she just shunned me. I found out this man drinks, and is a bad influence on her. She has periodically talked to me on the phone, come by very few times in the last 8 months, as if she no longer remembered her home or her family. As long as I dont go to her apartment, call her everyday, or expect more than that she will throw crumbs my way. Why? am I a criminal? a stranger? a psychopath? It does not make sense. She has traded something that was real(the love of her family) for the attentions of a middle aged loser.
Showing 1 - 10 of 15 Replies
  • Reply #1 09/01/12  9:58pm
    Sounds familiar, Cherished---My Ed is 22 and had just marched at college graduation---She did not actually graduate though, because she had incomplete work (don't know if she finished or not). That last semester--those last few weeks--she started insisting that the only place she could work on school assignments was a specific Starbucks. No school work got done, but she took up with a bartender from a truly seedy establishment. She later told my younger daughter that he also dealt drugs. He spent a couple of nights parked in our driveway until I told my daughter that was not acceptable. Before they had even gone on an official date, my daughter turned up with bruises all over her arms and legs....Then she would disappear for days at a time, coming home only when she needed a ride to her part-time job once a week. Her behavior started to change in shocking ways, and began to affect my younger daughter, a teen. When things got beyond what i could permit in our home, I told her she had to leave. I was furious. It didn't make much of a difference, as she was rarely home anyway, but I could not permit the level of immorality she was bringing into our lives. Now we are estranged. I sent a long e-mail too, trying to explain as a loving parent what I saw happening--she told me not to send her long explanatory e-mails any longer, and set conditions for any future communications. That was a month ago. I am in disbelief...I hear that in your post, too. My daughter's b/f is a bad influence on her too, I have no doubt....I hope this relationship does not last, but I have such a fear that this will be her life partner...and I believe he contributes to the estrangement, too....

    I am sorry to hear of your pain, and share my story in the hope that you will know you have company.

    Hugs-
    6
  • Reply #2 09/01/12  10:50pm
    Yes sorry me too Ed university graduate 24 estranged for over 18 mos took up with 30 year old boyfriend uneducated who has 3 divorces 5 kids 3 she helps raise all the time the other two for the summer . I now have no contact she told me if I die she will be too busy for my funeral. I'm sorry you are facing this too.
  • Reply #3 09/02/12  1:05am
    I have been estranged from my EC for 22 years now, I have to say I am happy, and at peace with myself. Your ED has made her bed, now, she has to lie in it. I got so tired of running after my adult children, begging for them to love me. I was a great mother, and you are too. You deserve better. There are usually, outside negative forces in their life, which has has nothing to do with us. Move on with your life. I finally realized how mean, selfish, cruel and abusive my EC were to me.I moved across the country, and I found myself happiness. This is your time for you! Get a hobby, join a group, take a class, volunteer somewhere, read books. Find out who you are, and read some self-help books. The more confidence you find, the stronger you will become. You are not alone. Hugs! Angel Grace
  • Reply #4 09/02/12  2:37am
    Try not to let this man come between you and your daughter. It isn't fair how mothers (and fathers) get treated by their kids as they find their way in the world and some of their choices are just plain wrong... but we do have to find our own balance in all this.. our own lives and being there for them when they need us. I found through my own experience with my daughter that when I became elusive and did not chase her or demand anything from her... just let her be, she missed me and came back - it's different now she is a grown woman living the consequences of some poor choices; but it is her life to live and hard as it is for us.. we have to let them live it. Try not to take it personally, she is probably so comsumed with her own life she doesn't even know she is hurting you. Mothers and daughters have to seperate and it's hard when they do because we care so much and want the best for them. I repeated the mantra.. it is what it is over and over again when I was stressed. You can't change anything so take care of yourself and think of your life now. I sincerely hope it all works out for you. Take care.
  • Reply #5 09/02/12  3:17am
    Same boat here. BF came back into my EDs life 3 years ago (they dated in the 7th grade for a few months) He's a gang member, felony criminal, 9th grade drop out, severe anger issues. And to make it worse his mother is also a felony criminal, has a VERY strange obsession with my daughter and they've been working on her for 3 years, breaking her down...turning a once positive, goal oriented young lady into one that is withdrawn from friends & family, has been fired from 2 jobs and failed her first year of college because Ma Barker and the Manson family show up and talk her out of her responsibilities. These people live off of every system they can find...even claiming to be LDS so the Mormon church gives them welfare. I've read in her journal where when she was still only 16 Big Mama was telling her that we're abusive monsters, and she needs to just move in with them. Telling her on her 18th birthday that she doesn't have to do what we say at all anymore. My ED is a very compassionate person and I'm sure saw this boy as some sort of project, lost puppy syndrome...now she's over there with them...and I fear the longer she's there the deeper she'll be lost. Like 6infamily there' drugs involved, insurance fraud and God knows what else. All we can do is pray our kids wake up and realize this is no way near how they were raised. I refuse to be viewed as a bad mother because I didn't sit back and accept this horrible person in my kids life...none of us should!
  • Reply #6 09/02/12  10:34am
    sometimes think we all guilty expectation our set moral and value will be their and sometime decide dismiss our that has be their choice they not us pay consequenses as how we made our was learning the hard way.I do identify they seem reject our homes and life had with us thats pain hard to accept , how I try do say try is to remind myself how when left mum home took pillow never ever went back in my room often no longer saw it as having been my home but it was never my intent upset my mum so assume my son may be the same ......as to man in her life one she chosen she must see some qualities in him take that why Power from her she saying to you justify why looking increase rift far better if you can to try deflect the question back to her say it come as right passage as mom worry about our offspring you are right I must learn allow you make your own decision forgive me when I dont always agree but remember I miss you as well...........avoid confrontation ........they seem like it ........
  • Reply #7 09/02/12  1:39pm
    Good advice bendme
  • Reply #8 09/02/12  2:24pm
    True--except what baffles me is that why they seem to abandon family--throw us under the bus and cut us off entirely in order to move into their own lives. I grew up, married, had kids...all with a man my mother did not entirely approve of (just didn't take to him) but I didn't force a dissolution of my familial relationships---I just expanded the family, kept in touch, was loyal to everyone...something is different here, and I have read a lot of interesting theories on these sites about narcissism, cultural changes, etc. I feel like I have become a scapegoat so that my EC do not have to own things they have done that are wrong---My ED did some really immoral things and became angry at me for reacting to those.
  • Reply #9 09/02/12  2:28pm
    I do think that once our children are at the age of majority - and able to vote, etc. - our rules are not their rules any longer.

    Was there a fight when she moved out? Was there an issue with her boyfriend then? A lot of us have found that when someone comes into the lives of our EC's - the problems begin.

    When they move out or bring another person into their lives - our rules for lives no longer apply - that's hard to swallow but realizing that they are creating a life of their own and moved on, is so important.

    I don't even know who my son is anymore and I don't like the person he has become but I no longer have anything to say about who he is. To preserve my sanity, I had to let go, realize I no longer had anything to say that my son cared about, and move away. I was sinking into a huge depression worrying about and being upset with my son and now life is good again.
  • Reply #10 09/02/12  5:34pm
    My MIL expected me to take the role of being her ignored daughter. 5 years after being married, she was still ignoring me totally if I called her Mom. I'd repeat it over and over a half dozen times and she'd just ignore me.
    I had to use her first name to get her attention at all. Then she'd say, "Oh, I am not used to a little girls voice calling ME mom."

    She started the worst arguement I have ever had over letting my toddler get down off her lap while we were all watching TV. He came to me and she tried to tell him NO you are not allowed to go to HER. She did not call me "your mom or other". It was always HER.

    We were engaged for 9 months before she even accepted it. She told us to let her tell the rest of the family about it so it could be HER NEWS!
    BECAUSE the jewler messed up the rings a couple times, I had no engagement ring on my finger. The minute I got one (after 9 months of waiting), she went around telling everyone that HER SON was getting married. Of course, hubby family found out that we were engaged nealy a year ago and they all yelled at me for "not telling anyone".

    I always felt like the most unwelcome person.

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Do you have adult children, who have blamed you for everything wrong in their childhood, lost contact either through addiction, divorce, or in laws? No phone calls for birthdays, Mother's day, just no communication. How do you cope with the emptiness, the painful loss of not having your children in your life? *WARNING*: Read this note about privacy: http://www.dailystrength.org/people/548/journal/1802327