Surviving EstrangementPosted on 05/27/12, 09:01 pm
I've been gone for a long time but I wanted to stop by and tell you all about the happenings in my life. I started to claw my way out of the dark hole of despair and depression about a year into the estrangement. At this point I made a pact with myself to start focusing on myself more. This was a VERY difficult task as I had always focused on my family and put myself at the bottom of the list. I also reached a point where I was able to stop reaching out...not just talk about it but actually do it. This meant that I had to purge my home of all things related to ES. This accomplished, I was finally able to start experiencing some peace. Then, this Mother's Day I decided to acknowledge my son. I decided to send a brief text. I wanted him to know that he was loved by me, his mother, on Mother's Day. I didn't expect him to contact me....I just did it for me. The text was, "I love you, ES, and I hope you are doing well."
5 hours later he called me. He put our little grandsons on the phone and I talked with them for awhile, then he told me he loved me and wished me a Happy Mother's Day.
Our ES hasn't acknowledged us by phone, mail, text, or any other way in over 18 months. I may never hear from him again. But, for me, I have decided that there is no magic to this.....what works for one may not work for another. I have to be true to myself.....I was becoming so angry, depressed, uninvolved in life. I can't allow his behavior to change who I am. And, I can't change how he chooses to behave. So, I am left with letting go. I will never beg him again. I will never allow him to scream at me, or belittle me, or threaten me again. I will never cry out in pain again. But, I will love him from afar in the same way that I always loved him when he was near me.
I want to thank all of you who were there for me during the roughest time in my life. The acute stage of the estrangement is the hardest. For those of you who are struggling right now, you are in my daily thoughts and prayers as I truly know what you are suffering. The pain of depression was relentless and dangerous for me. Know that there will be an end to this difficult time soon. It will look and feel profoundly better one day. The pain that we have suffered as estranged parents does begin to fade. We will always be scarred by this horrible experience but we will all survive it and come out stronger on the other side!
Reply #1 05/27/12 9:23pm
Hey, congratulations..brokenm. I think we should now call you "mended mimi"
It's good to know you found your light..right there waiting for you..
Wishing you continued healing..
Reply #2 05/27/12 9:23pm
What a wonderful note--thank you so much---Just exactly what I needed to hear----you have no idea. Big HUG from KY
Reply #3 05/27/12 9:32pm
Wise and encouraging words. I wish you continued peace, happiness, and healing. You deserve a good life!
Reply #4 05/27/12 11:11pm
So very powerful. Thank you for sharing this, and I'm so glad to here that you are doing better.
Reply #5 05/27/12 11:17pm
It's wonderful what happens when we least expect it. What a blessing for both you and your gc.
Reply #6 05/28/12 1:23pm
It seems you are now living what I strive for....Thank you for sharing that it is possible!! Hugs and Thank you!
Reply #7 05/28/12 6:38pm
Can you tell me how you focused on yourself. I hear people say to start doing that , but what exactly do you do?
How do you trust others. How do you meet others. I have been shunned so many times that I am afraid to
try. I stay in the house most of the time. I wouldn't know how or where to go to try. I have no other family.
No real friends.
Reply #8 05/28/12 9:41pm
Good news mimi......Always take care of yourself first....because you are worth it! (BTW, my granddaughter calls me mimi) She is so special to me.
luanne, the first thing you should do is focus on YOUR needs and YOUR wants. It takes practice because as mothers and wives we have always put others before us. You have to believe that you deserve to be happy and healthy and live life for yourself!
I started out by joining the local YMCA. I slowly got to know the women there. I have trust issues also.
But after some time passed I now have a group of ladies that I enjoy going out with to eat once a week.
We have decided to have a "game night" once a month at each other's houses......what fun we have.
You can join an active church. You can take an adult class on photography, gardening, cooking etc.
whatever interests you. Schools in most areas offer adult classes. Check it out. I don't know how old you are but perhaps join a senior center. Or go on a senior bus trip and meet people. There are many options. Being isolated is very depressing. Trust comes slowly but there really are good people out there. I would start with writing down some things you like about yourself and things you like to do. :)
Reply #9 05/29/12 2:27am
Such a beautiful post. I can't even write "broken" anything to do with the writer, and agree that maybe you could change your handle to mended or mending ...mimi.
I have gone from "totally estranged" to "semi estranged" with both of my sons. Only time will tell how it'll all go in our relationships, but i will never be the same as i was before this all started a cpl. of yrs. ago...especially this past year...& i can only add my gratitude for the cyber angels at this site for saving my life and sanity at the beginning of the estrangements. The "acute" phase...as you so aptly label it.
Talk about a special ring o' hell on earth! & once you're on the ride, you're never the same again.
Great advice, willowangel! It is hard work to make the transition from "survivor" to "thriver", but it can/should/must be done. We have to honor our lives and our Creator, no? We also still have to set a proper example...whether our kiddies like it or not, we are still parents, still part of the family tree, and still have our own legacies to think about...
Posting here is a good start. I am lucky that there are many interesting book discussions and things located at our local library, as well as inexpensive, short term courses offered through the local high schools. While i haven't done much yet, that's just because i have so much yard and house work to catch up on...long story...but that has all proven pretty theraputic as well...
We all find our balance...and the valleys of sadness become dips...and we see with clearer eyes...as our tears wash false visions away...and smile again...& once you laugh...you know you'll be OK.
Reply #10 05/29/12 5:05am
What a beautiful post and so lovely to hear that it is possible to find peace.
I'm still trying to find a way out of all this sadness and feel very empty without the love and respect of 2 of my daughters. Thank you for sharing and giving me hope today!
Do you have adult children, who have blamed you for everything wrong in their childhood, lost contact either through addiction, divorce, or in laws? No phone calls for birthdays, Mother's day, just no communication. How do you cope with the emptiness, the painful loss of not having your children in your life? *WARNING*: Read this note about privacy: http://www.dailystrength.org/people/548/journal/1802327