Today is my sons Birthday - do I write something or no?Posted on 07/14/11, 11:08 am
Reply #1 07/14/11 11:31am
Hi Nikkihush, this question is a common one here. The general consensus is "Do what feels right to you".
There are some things to take into consideration.....not getting any response is actually not nearly as bad as some of the really nasty and cruel things these EC's have responded with. Probably the most important point is to keep short, simple and non confrontational.....Happy Birthday, Love You! and call it done if sending a messege feels right to you. As you have already discovered, any pleas or attempts to confront the issues are never received well and the best outcome is no response, deaf ears is exactly right! It is so important to put your needs and wants front and center....these are kids we are trying to deal with, these are willful adults now, let them take care of themselves Hugs! D.
Reply #2 07/14/11 11:46am
Thanks armymomx2, after reading your message I don't think I could keep it short and sweet as "Happy Birthday, Love You." There's just too much to say and too much unresolved and I don't want him to take it as "I'm missing him" - he sees that as weakness or something, it's very strange. He saw my 11 year old daughter a month ago and said "the reason Mom is doing all this is because she misses me" - amazing! I don't even know what he means by "all this" - Mom is doing, literally, NOTHING! He takes me missing him as a bad thing, like almost a fault or admission of guilt or something. It's so bizarre. Absolutely zero taking accountability for any of this that has happened or what HE HAS DONE OR IS DOING. It's so completely irrational. The letter I would write would be one about wonderful birthday memories and how can he be doing this and just completely denouncing me? I guess you've answered my questions. It would be confronting the issue and I would get, again, ZERO response.
Reply #3 07/14/11 12:02pm
Other members choose to not send any greetings to their E-kids because they send us nothing. It's not an equal relationship. Only you know what seems correct right now. But if he told your daughter that crap about missing him, I might make him wonder what you're up to?
sometimes the only way to win is to not play these games.
Reply #4 07/14/11 12:07pm
I have a lot to say, too, but much of it is now being said in this forum and also in many unsent emails I have written. My ED's 20th BD is Monday. Today, she is going for a 3-month prenatal checkup. I was not invited to her BD party/Shower in 2 weeks, but some of my relatives were (I don't think they will be going). She has named another woman as her "mother" on Facebook. It has been 5 months since I've seen her, other than 1 quick peek when she brought the police to my door to try to get into my house for some items she left behind.
Mother's Day, of course, was uneventful other than my weepy self moping around the house. Sooooo, I don't think I'm sending her anything, not even an email for her BD. As I'm learning here, this is her choice and I need to find ways to move away and still keep my sanity. It is so sad indeed because no one is a winner in these situations....except maybe the b*!ch who is allowing herself to be called "mother" on FB! (Maybe I am mis-directing my anger a bit??)
Reply #5 07/14/11 12:26pm
For now I'm sending an acknowledgement of my ED's BD with a savings bond for my GS. Her BD was 7/2 and I sent that with a note telling her that I love her but it's not ok with me how she's treating me (silent treatment). Short. The way I look at it is that I want to remain who I am which is a solidly loving person planted in my integrity. If I didn't acknowledge, she would have "won" by having ultimate control over our relationship. Instead I try to stay true to myself (making my non-emotion laden statement about how I should be treated) while also being true to myself by exressing my love for her (if I lost the right to do that, her negativity would reign!)
But, I totally understand that everyone has to work through these awful moments for themselves...
Reply #6 07/14/11 12:37pm
I sent flowers for my ED's birthday - only because I did not wish to be drawn into reacting to be ignored on my birthday, Christmas, mother's day, the death on my own mother, dad's birthday, our anniversary.....I did it for myself.
Reply #7 07/14/11 1:20pm
Trulykind and gozgrl, my instinct is to be "myself" and send something, and not let the negativity pull me in, the whole "two wrongs don't make a right" thing. I like what you said trulykind, I think that was short and sweet. But I do see the point in NOT sending anything also, in moving on. I guess I will see what wins out - head or heart. OverandOut2, my heart was wrenching reading your post... I can only imagine what you're going through with a new baby being born into this situation.... I hope and pray for you, for all of us. I can't believe she named someone else as her FB mother, that is brutal. My son and his girlfriend both de-friended me and his little sister, that was harsh enough, but to put someone else as Mother? OMG I hurt for you. If any of you ever need to talk feel free to send me mail. Mystic, I like the idea of not sending anything, although sadly, I believe he is too self absorbed to "wonder" what any of us are up to. He is living large playing house with his spoiled GF, going to dinners at fancy overpriced restaurants, going to "posh" hotels, spending the $80,000 he bragged that she has in her checking account. (Although she informed us we wouldn't be seeing much of them once he moved out because of the gas and mileage it was putting on her car driving the 20 miles to our house.)
Reply #8 07/14/11 1:26pm
I choose to send a card and money to my ED and the kids for bdays and holidays because it feels right. Parenting is never an equal relationship and although my ED has chosen to be hateful, I wish not to be. I have unconditional love for her, but that does not mean I will but myself in her gun sights so to speak and I don't open myself up to hateful correspondence. In other words I don't try to directly contact her at all. I send the greeting of Happy Birthday (or what ever) and that I will love her always no matter what. I never know if the cards are received. To my GKs I send the card and money, but I just sign 'with love always' I don't put from Nana because the odds that the children will get to keep the card and money increases if my name is off the card. I do this for me and I do it as a way to tell them I still love them no matter what (they will no even with out my name someday). Good luck
Reply #9 07/14/11 1:38pm
I suppose there is the school of thought also that, by not sending anything, we are honoring their wishes to keep us out of their lives. I remember many years ago, I had a former boss (still in the same company) who was stalking me and on a couple of occasions left me gifts at my desk when I wasn't there. I felt totally violated by those "gestures" and reported it to HR. They did confront him, but this was back in the day when higher level bosses could do almost anything. He ended up "quitting" in a rage and they sent me home for the day - where I was terrified - because his whereabouts were unknown. Then HR let him come back the next day and all was forgiven. I guess my point is that when someone makes it clear that they don't want you in their lives, it's possible that ANY contact can be seen as intrusive, sometimes creepy, possibly just annoying, or any number of other possiblities. In all honesty, I figure I still have until Monday to decide my action/inaction and I really do appreciate the posters with different points of view. I could use a little softening up....
Reply #10 07/14/11 2:51pm
The more I think about it, the more I realize that no matter what words I say, the whole meaning is only going to be twisted, and shuttee, the way you put it "I have unconditional love for her but that does not mean I will put myself in her gun sights so to speak and I don't open myself up to hateful correspondence." What's worse, is- to a narcissist like my son, even just saying "Happy Birthday" is going to be taken as a HUGE admission of something, as a peace offerring, as an apology - and it's so important for him to remember that WE are the victims here, and once and for all in his life take accountability for this being HIS decision and HIS doing! So, a simple Happy Birthday is going to be viewed just as he said to my daughter, that we miss him, and that we are sorry, and that we desperately "want him back" - almost like a victory!? It's all very sick! The more I think about it, the more I decide this day should pass with no words....
Do you have adult children, who have blamed you for everything wrong in their childhood, lost contact either through addiction, divorce, or in laws? No phone calls for birthdays, Mother's day, just no communication. How do you cope with the emptiness, the painful loss of not having your children in your life? *WARNING*: Read this note about privacy: http://www.dailystrength.org/people/548/journal/1802327