Discussion Topic

Done With Ungrateful Daughter

Posted on 05/27/11, 10:33 pm
After years of pushing my daughter in the right direction and rescuing her from bad directions, without a lick of appreciation, I've quit. She's about to turn 28, shacking up with her almost 26 yo fiancee, and wanted me to spend thousands of dollars on her wedding, after years of disrespect, lack of consideration, arrogance, and ingratitude. Once she got engaged to her new fella, who is rotten spoiled by his parents, she got worse. And he started joining in with devaluing comments toward me. I disagree with her shacking up prior to marriage, but I didn't say anything because I knew it would fall on deaf ears. They've only dated for a few months, and I think they're impulsive, but again I didn't say anything. I think they're old enough to make their own decision and live with the consequences.

His family said they would help pay for the wedding, but they never offered a dime. Oh, well. We started paying for things, but when Mother's Day came and went with nothing for me, that was all I could take. We had heard from her fiancee about the wonderful gift he was giving his mom. When I told her how hurt I was, she said she was sorry, she'll do better next time, and have a good day. After thinking it over, I decided that since she never has appreciated me or cared about my feelings, that I'm not paying any more for her wedding. I didn't want to talk directly to her because I was too hurt and angry, so I text her. She never answers her phone anyway or returns calls for days. She's been cold and indifferent towards me since she was a young teenager. I'm done and tired of being used. That was 3 weeks ago, and obviously she doesn't give a hoot because I haven't heard from her. I wonder if she expects me to come crawling to her? Hell will freeze over.

A few months ago she happened to mention that she didn't have one bad memory from her childhood. I guess not - I bent over backwards giving her a good young life. But that's my job as a mother. She's now arrogant, haughty, ungrateful & a user. It hurts badly that I don't have a good relationship with my adult daughter. I do have one with my adult son. He's disgusted with her, too. She didn't treat him well, either. She has no other blood family except us two. And she has no problem just throwing us away. I don't get how she can be so cold. I don't know if her fiancee is influencing her. He once bragged that he damaged his mom's frig in a fit of anger. Lovely. We're non-violent.

I'm letting her live the life she chooses, but I'm also making her pay consequences by not funding any more of her wedding. I think I'm doing the right thing. I'd love to hear what others think.
Showing 1 - 10 of 20 Replies
  • Reply #1 05/27/11  11:34pm
    I can relate to the disrespect and degrading comments on a regular basis, I took it from my daughter for years and any time I did not give in and do what she wanted-I was cut off for months at a time. Finally after having as much as I could take, i laid some boundaries that led her to estrange for 13 months but at that point, the estrangement was more a relief than anything. When she returned after 13 months, I made it clear that I wouldn't tolerate disrespect anymore, every time she behaved inappropriately I got away from her, found a reason to get off of the phone or to leave and on occasion I said "look, you are obviously not in a good mood and its not good for me to be around you right now" and I would leave. Well, the first few months she pushed but it didnt work, and finally.....she seems to have gotten the message! The more we give and do for them when they are being disrespectful snots-the more we are rewarding that behavior. I think sometimes we get stuck in thinking that the more we do for them that they will suddenly appreciate us "this time" and it just doesnt work. Take care of you, and maybe eventually she will get the message that YOU know you deserve better and that you wont except disrespect anymore.
    I paid 100% of my daughters first wedding 6 yrs ago and in return I was insulted, called names and disrespected at every turn before, during and after the wedding. Nothing I did was good enough, I didnt spend enough of course yet it was okay that the grooms family couldn't contribute to ANYTHING at all. My daughter has talked of marrying again with a few different bf's over the last few years, I made it clear that I paid for the first wedding and wont be paying for any others. It's a one shot deal! lol
  • Reply #2 05/28/11  12:30am
    I think you are absolutely doing the right thing. Going out of your way to accommodate a daughter that is treating you badly doesn't make a lot of sense, imo. She won't be any nicer to you if you do pay for the wedding I'd think - do what YOU feel is right - letting her push you around isn't good for your self-esteem. I've learned that the hard way. Going out of your way for an ungrateful child doesn't change their attitude towards their parent either - I have found that out the hard way too.

    I think one of the hardest things for us to deal with is that we find that our children are not the same people we thought they were and that hurts on such a deep level. We think we know them so well and love them so deeply and then we find out we were giving our love to someone who didn't care . No matter what we do for them they are not going to care. At least that has been my experience. My resolve has been to distance myself and I'm finding that is probably what I'm going to have to do again. It doesn't change.

    Good luck to you with this. I hope you have a decent relationship with your daughter - if you do - you'll be so lucky. Once we find out how cold they can be it seems to turn a part of our hearts off and it doesn't come back on again I have found. I can never see my son as I used to and that breaks my heart but it is what it is.

    Take care.
  • Reply #3 05/28/11  12:30am
    Where is that group KimsMom?
  • Reply #4 05/28/11  6:19am
    oooh Linda good word "Accomodate" Rose how hard it is for us to stop accomodating them. It goes against the grain but how can your son be so different? Because she is like this on the inside and your accomodations have brought the worst out in her. I did the exact same thing. My ED is mean, selfish and self centred, the whole world revolves around her wants and needs. I made mistakes but I exxagerated my flaws in my head an overcompensated spoiling her rotten. I took my daughter all over the world and when she was 13 I was recovering from a disability, took her from UK New York City then we flew down to Florida. MY ED refused to swim with the dolphins because I was so excited to do it? What on Earth is that? Your right on track, withrdraw the monies. Jees 27? Mine is only 21 knocked up by someone else's boyfriend and living in a homeless hostel. My hear breaks for you cauze I am you
  • Reply #5 05/28/11  6:21am
    Hi Momrose and welcome to the site here. Your level of hurt and frustration is certainly understandable given the situation, and, for what it's worth, I also think you're doing the right thing.

    I absolutely do not get why adult children can be so thankless and ungrateful, but, when they ARE, it's time for the personal boundaries to go up for your own survival......your sense of worth and self esteem. Being used/abused is absolutely unacceptable by anyone, let alone one's adult child.

    IMO, your daughter has some life lessons to learn, for haughty, arrogant, user behaviors will not be met very well "out there".

    Wishing you well.......welcome aboard with the other parents here who understand.....and, I'm hoping for the best for you.
  • Reply #6 05/28/11  8:12am
    Hi MomRose, ditto all the above, love it that all our steel backbones are showing!

    I woke up this morning depressed, its our last day with our DD before she leaves for Arizona, with the cart in front of the horse as usual. I was preparing for her departure in July, but she moved it up unexpectedly, so we are feeling rushed instead of prepared. We have done all we can, taught her all we can, and now have to let her go find her own way...again! LOL, but it is much further away this time, and while it worries us and makes us sad, it is time for her to go. The past few months have been becoming increasingly difficult having her here in our home. While she is very loving, she is also very selfish and very smart, but we often wonder if she is a good witch or a bad witch because of her choices and priorities. She is now 24, this is her 5th time to move home, and DH has informed her its her last....she had better make sure her wings are working this time. She has the capacity to do anything in life, she just lacks the drive and dedication. Don't know she will ever really "get it" but not our responsibility anymore. Prayers for her journey and enlightenment please!!! And prayers for my sanity over the next few weeks....have a feeling I will be choking on this big lump in my throat for awhile...I am going to miss her alot. Gotta put on a brave face again, but have a feeling the ole pillow will tell a different story. I am so thankful to have this place to come to and all of you to share this with....I don't have to wear my happy face here. Hugs :( D.
  • Reply #7 05/28/11  8:39am
    Bless you Diana, sending a huge hug. No brave face needed here xx
  • Reply #8 05/28/11  10:03am
    I so much appreciate the support. I was afraid to look at the replies, thinking that maybe everyone thought I was being a bad mom. Its so nice to get this support as it builds my strength. Each morning I wake up my first thought is how can I be living in this nightmare.

    I suspect that one day when he has destroyed her appliances in fits of anger, she'll call me crying. I know in my heart that I'll give her emotional support, but I'll stop at the physical and financial support. Since it took me 8 miserable years of pushing her through college to get her degree, she can work to clean up her life herself. It's hard to move forward, but I'm doing that. I just joined a garden club, and plan to get out and do more that I couldn't when I was working and raising kids. Thanks again.
  • Reply #9 05/28/11  10:26am
    Good Plan MomRose. I have just discovered gardening at 50 yrs old, always had a black thumb, guess just another example of windows closing and others opening, since sons don't want nurturing I have my tender little plants to care for! And they are thriving for the first time ever! Silver lining, they are there when we look for them. Hugs D.
  • Reply #10 05/28/11  1:51pm
    Good Morning, So quiet here in my house on the high desert. Pups at my feet under the computer desk, cats sleeping in dufferent spots around the house. Have lavender plants on porch ready to plant, the tomatos were planted yesterday. I think it was Henry James who said the most beautiful words are "Summer afternoon". I agree.
    I agree with all these posts on this thread..........My ED has been gone for over 5 years. I use to cry a lot. I put my life on hold waiting for her to" change" her mind. My youngest daughter got sick of me talking about her all the time...so did my DH. Well, I'm also done. I'm a fat pancake, stick a fork in me and turn me over, Love saying that. Told a bail bondsman that when he wanted me to put up this property to get druggie grandaughter out of jail. He thought I was a "terrible" grandmother.

    My ED has been cruel....unusually so. Yes, She is brilliant, good looking, talented BUT so what?
    All of that means absolutely nothing if they become as cruel as a rattlesnake and they only want what they can get and won't take responsibility for their own life.

    And I do think that a common thread does indeed run through every single one of these EC. Some are on drugs, alcohol, are addicted to an no-good spouse, some are cold sober but no matter all of it smacks of cruelty and greed.

    I love this quote....Living well is the best revenge!.......Have it posted everywhere.

    Love to all of you....Deb


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