Discussion Topic

Using grandkids as weapons

Posted on 04/20/11, 05:39 pm
I just found this group today and am happy but also sad that so many are going thru the same "stuff" as I am.

I'm sure my topic is very common...how are you coping with the loss of your grandchildren? My daughter uses the "you will never see your granddaughter again..." every single time she gets her feathers ruffled. I cannot continue to allow my adult child to betray her family, cause chaos, scream at me, etc. But I also love my granddaughter dearly.

I'm having a very hard time with it today, its killing me.
Showing 1 - 10 of 18 Replies
  • Reply #1 04/20/11  5:43pm
    I am sorry you have this in your life---glad you are here now. It is awful, my grandson was born Sept 30 I have only seen him 4 times last was Christmas eve. Loads of folks here have great advice---you will learn alot and it is a safe place to vent how we are feeling moment to moment. Some days are better than others.
  • Reply #2 04/20/11  5:55pm
    BellasGranny; As in any game we can decide if we want to play. I have resently learned that all too well, and have found it a good way to see this estrangment insanity.
    I think you have to see the game for what it is, decide what the goal is...on everyone's side...then decide if it is worth it to play.
    If you are willing to tolerate whatever the outcome, knowing the odds are against you, truly prepared for that...then go for it...but, have a post game plan if you end up really bruised and injured.
    Your daughter is playing a game, carelessly using her children, as though they are simply property to use for her own agenda...they are not...and she will pay the price one day for not recognizing that...but, you can do nothing about that, at this time, because you are not honored or respected by her.
    This is blunt, but, it is the truth...and we are all learning here, the sooner we realize what we are up against, the better we know how we want to be involved and at what cost.
    My heart aches for you, honestly aches...we know here all too well the honest love we have for our grandchildren and the desire to share in helping shape the memories of thier lives...but, we are not invited, and we cannot go where we are not welcome.
    My grandson turns 6 on Sat. He was the light of our lives. We were intregrally invovled in his life...but, now he along with the other 2 children are used to 'make our ED point'...so who wins? Certainly not the children...and, these are the ECs that point the finger at us for being horrible parents...think again.
    Don't let it kill you, because it can...choose to live...get strong, find a new path...one day they may want to be with you, know you, and you want to be healthy and happy and strong.
    Again, my heart goes out to you, but, you have control over your life...don't give it up...do what is in your best interest...that will be what is best for everyone involved in the long run.
  • Reply #3 04/20/11  6:30pm
    To your question...for me the hard times don't go away. My ES lives 20 minutes from me, but I haven't been allowed to see my grandaughter since her second birthday (she is nearly 4 now); and, I have never met my grandson who was born last summer. I cry often, but less often than I used to. It's sad beyond sad. But when you say "I cannot continue to allow my adult child to betray her family..." you need to know that you have no control over how your adult child behaves. That is the cold, hard truth. How do we deal with it? None of us really knows, but we are all here to lend an ear and throw out ideas. You aren't alone. Hang onto your heart and do the best you can. I write the things I wish I could say to my grandkids in a journal that I am keeping for them, along with pictures of the gifts I have sent to them. I put in little things, like "when I was little my mom used to give me and my sisters perms, buy us patent leather shoes, and dye easter eggs with us each year this time in the spring. I wish I could do that with you." That's how I hang on...knowing that one day they will know me through my words, even if I never know them.
  • Reply #4 04/20/11  6:31pm
    I forget where this quote came from, it might have been Ruth Bell Graham, but it is "make the most of all that comes, and the least of all that goes." Love them when it is in your power to do so, that's it. It is out of your control. Your daughter can and sounds like will use the granddaughter as a weapon, she does because she can. It is true, and you have zero control over it.
    We lost our grandchildren 31/2 and 11/2 when our daughter cut us off completely. They were our pride and joy and it is close to a year since we have seen or talked with them. We have zero control over it and have had to learn to live without them in our life. It is our greatest sorrow. I realize they are her children and she will pay the price someday for what she has taken away from them.
    We haven't had to deal with the yo yo thing of bringing them in and out of our life, in our case, we were all very close, babysitting, the whole thing, and then nothing.... So, I can't speak as to how to handle that. I do know, that we can never have that relationship with them until they are adults, as we will NEVER EVER be able to trust our daughter again and would be afraid to watch them as we don't know what kind of lies she would make up....she has lied about so many other things, we just wouldn't put anything past her EVER AGAIN. So, our relationship with our grandchildren, would unfortunately be very different now until we see them as adults. We will miss out on their childhood greatly, even if she did ever come back, but we really doubt she will. She has spun so many lies, I don't think she would have to the courage it would take to admit what she has done. My daughter is a shameful and is a coward, just the facts. it is what it is and I am learning to accept it for what it is.
    My advice is to learn to not pin every happiness on your daughter and granddaughter. You will need to learn to take care of you and have your own life. I know that is tough, because I understand that your granddaughter is a joy like none other. But for your own sake, this is a sick game your daughter is playing and the sooner you come to grips with that reality, the better it is for you. Prepare your self for the inevitable weapon she will hurl at you, and begin forcusing on yourself so you will have a framework from which to survive when she does this to you. I was blindsided, and it has not been easy to pull myself out of the ruins. I am sorry to be so blunt, but I think it is kinder for you to hear the truth and the reality. Hugs--it's a bumpy ride, but we are survivors here. Hope you stay with us.
  • Reply #5 04/20/11  6:41pm
    Welcome. I'm not dealing well with it. Haven't seen my now 3yo GS in 7 mo and before that they lived w/ us; haven't met my new GS born Nov '10. Seeking prof help at this time as I am chronically depressed but 'put on a good face' most of the time with my other two adult children; working as little as possible and have taken up smoking to cut back on the eating - have put on about 15+ lbs since this started. Meds, acupuncture, volunteering have all been suggested but getting motivated has been the problem. I cry alot and have a heavy weight on my chest. I feel better when traveling fir pleasure and have been very lucky to do so quite a bit since this started but I can't do that always and when I'm home there are just too many reminders. I'm still at the point, I'd do anything to get my GS back in my life but if ES can do this once, he will be able to do it again. Oh, I am reading and listening to many different books on grieving and estrangement as well as fiction/ fantasy when I get to sit pool-side. Sorry you needed to seek us out but glad the group is here for all of us.
  • Reply #6 04/20/11  7:09pm
    All of the above- extremely well said.
  • Reply #7 04/20/11  11:42pm
    Hi BellasGranny, sorry you are here, but glad you found us. I have a only 1 grandson, he is now 19 months old, but I have not seen since he was 4 months old, and then I only got to see him 4 times and we live just 15 minutes away from him. Son is deployed in Afghanistan, DIL's the mastermind behind this torture.

    You are so right in your post title...,.using GK's as weapon. I think in some ways I am luckier than some here, I was never given the opportunity to bond with GS, the tension was always so thick, and DIL always hovering like a attack drone. DH and I saw the writing on the wall, and guarded our hearts. I know how that must sound.....but you and so many other here can relate in ways non-estranged or threatened Grandparents can't. I am sorry your daughter has decided to play the awful control game she is playing. Only you know what you are and are not willing to endure. Whatever you decide...You are not alone, you are among friends here, that understand and support each other while dealing with the unimaginable.

  • Reply #8 04/21/11  5:37am
    Hi and welcome to the site BellasGranny and, like the others, I too am sorry for the situation that brings you here, but, goodness, this is SUCH a good place to be when dealing with these issues. Alot of intelligent, kind, loving and wise people here to be of what help they can.....give and take.....you aren't alone and you are most definitely among friends who are in this same boat which rocks and pitches with the ups and downs of estrangement.

    I am able to see one of my five grandchildren, and while it saddens me greatly not to be a part of the other four lives, I am thankful (so thankful) for the one I am able to see. In addition, I'm fortunate to be self- empolyed in an art business which I'm passionate about, so, as difficulttime2 mentioned, I already have something in my life where all of my happiness is not "pinned on daughter and grandchildren".

    I know that my situation is different because of this, for at least some are in a life situation where you've cared for your grandchildren on a continuing basis and THIS was your passion.....this was your pride, your joy......complete fulfillment at this stage of life for you...... then they've been removed......thoughtlessly cut off from this very nurturing relationship by unthinking, uncaring adult children leaving you in a world of hurt.

    I would never want to offend anyone so I'm in hopes that what I'm about to say will be interpreted in the light for which it's intended. I know full well that there is nothing in this world which can replace those precious Grandchildren, but I also know that a very significant part of those relationships is the special kind of love and nurturing that Grandparents are in a position to GIVE........and, when cut off, the giving is part of what gets severed......leaving a Grandparent's heart wounded... alone and suffering.

    Were I in the shoes of being full time Grandma with all the joys those wonderful relationships bring and had it ripped away from me........ I am wondering if there might be another avenue by which I could continue to give from my heart? I know we live in a culture where quality child care is so difficult to find.....would it be an option to be a "foster" Grandma to a child who needs care while Mom (or Mom and Dad) needs to be in the work-a-day world? Soooo many children are "out there" in need of what Grandparents can give and, like I said, I'm fully aware that nothing in this world can ever take the place of them,.......just suggesting this as an option. There seems to be many organizations which try to service our culture in this way.

    I've been through repetitive estrangement w/my now 38 yr. old daughter and, at one point of estrangement, I was so very depressed......she's my only daughter and I was so missing my relationship with her. Ultimately, I signed up with an organization where I was "hooked up" with a young mother in a third world country struggling to earn a living for herself and her child(ren). I was able to write letters, send her things, encourage her.... and what I received back from her was so very wonderful......gratitude, appreciation, little hand made gifts......this was a connection, which, while it could NEVER replace my daughter..... allowed me to continue to give in a way that was significant to me and did help with the very dark void created by daughter removing herself from my life.

    Hope I've not offended anyone.......just putting something out on the "buffet table" of ideas. If helpful......great....if not, then pass it by! Have to do whatever works for you!

    Love and hugs
  • Reply #9 04/21/11  8:07am
    Char, What a wonderful idea and way to give back in this crazy world. Such a loving way show that the caring hearts in you, and us, as grandparents can't be burned out of us! Hugs D.
  • Reply #10 04/22/11  1:56am
    I reread all of these and it makes me sad and so angry. I say we shoot the bastards! ( is that ok to say?) they don't deserve to breathe the same air that we do. Evil incarnate.


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