Dealing with Toxic PeoplePosted on 12/17/10, 09:34 am
Dealing with toxic people
Toxic people. If you are experiencing this in your life, let me share with you what I have learned.
I think I can help you to feel better.
* Be comforted in the fact that you are not alone. Every person walking the earth knows at least one toxic person in their life. The toxic person is a family member, friend, associate, workmate, boss, etc. Toxic people come in all shapes and forms as they know no boundaries.
* Realize that until you stop allowing a toxic person to hurt you and your life, they will continue to do so.
* The most important thing to remember is that you have the power to stop a toxic person. You do this by controlling your own actions and reactions. As you already know, you cannot control the actions of other people. But you can control yourself and your life. You have the power to walk away from a toxic person and not allow them into your life anymore. Freedom is a wonderful and liberating experience.
* Realize that toxic people can drain your health, energy, well being and sanity. It helps to move away from toxic people and move towards people who are positive and uplifting. Positive people are a blessing.
* Move away from what hurts you and move towards what feels good. This is one of the best gifts you can ever give to yourself.
* Remember that toxic people are extremely negative, nasty, miserable, whiny, jealous, inconsiderate, selfish, criminally minded, mentally ill, judgemental, evil, etc. The toxic individual exudes the dark side of human nature all of the time.
* A toxic person will cause other people pain, craziness, and aggravation. They are simple to recognize. Just take notice of how you feel when you are around one of these people. It will be easy to determine. You will immediately feel sick and experience physical symptoms like a headache or stomach pain. Or you will just feel like you are going crazy, but don't worry because that is the true mark of being with a toxic person.
* Remember this information so that you will be better able to identify a toxic person. That is the first step towards eliminating one from your life.
* Know that when a person is toxic it is because of their own issues. Sometimes these issues can be attributed to mental illness. Accept that a toxic persons behavior has nothing to do with you.
* In life, each of us has to take responsibility for our own actions. Toxic people do not do this. They have a habit of turning things around so that you feel bad, you feel guilty, and you feel like you are at fault. Remember that when dealing with a toxic person, they are responsible for their own actions, but often do not. Realize this and you take back your power.
* The best thing you can do when dealing with a toxic person is to walk away and not allow them to hurt you anymore. If you cannot walk away, then mentally walk away. You can do this by being kind to yourself.
* Allow yourself to disengage, disassociate, and detach. Detachment is a process of not caring. It is something you do for yourself. It is a mental skill that takes some time to learn at first, but once it is mastered, it can help you to become stronger mentally and physically.
* Detachment is a necessary skill for preserving your own mental health. Detaching from people and situations that are not good for you is healthy and can help you to feel better.
* Begin letting go by repeating affirmations. Affirmations are positive statements you repeat in your mind. Affirmations are powerful because over time, the mind believes the good you program into it. The following are some examples to help you, but feel free to make your own that speak to you personally.
Letting go will help me to be healthy on many levels.
I control my own life and decisions.
I am healthy.
I am strong.
I feel good about the decision to let go.
Letting go is healthy.
* When dealing with toxic people remember that exercise is your best friend. Exercise relieves both mental and physical tensions. It helps the body to produce healing chemicals that will repair your body and help you think more clearly. Exercise also encourages the release of endorphins, chemicals that relieve pain and help you to feel good both mentally and physically.
* Most importantly develop supportive relationships with your life partner, friends, family, workmates, and associates. Talking things over with the people in your life who love and care for you, can help you to overcome the negativity of toxic people. Just as animals and children instinctively can sense when someone is good or evil, the people who love you are very good at recognizing when someone is toxic and hurting you. Loved ones are a good defense against toxic people because they can offer you good advice and support for eliminating negative influences in your life.
Reply #1 12/17/10 9:47am
Reply #2 12/17/10 9:49am
Thank you Greg. That is a great article!
Reply #3 12/17/10 10:03am
Thank you very much, Greg - this is such valuable information!!
Reply #4 12/17/10 10:24am
Wonderful to read this especially at this holiday time when we're all wishing we had close relationships with
our EC. Does anyone ever tell their EC's what they think of them, i.e. you are mean, nasty, etc. and I don't want to speak with you until you treat me with respect, etc.
Reply #5 12/17/10 2:01pm
This was wonderful information - very affirming and guilt reducing. Thank you!
Reply #6 12/17/10 2:18pm
Hello, Thank you GregC7 for the article.........From time to time I need to realize fully what I'm dealing with. I have to remind myself how cruel my daughter has been.......Also my mother-in-law ...truly the wicked Witch of the West. I'm not kidding. DH and I send a Christmas card. I looked and looked for a witch with a Christmas lit wreath around her neck. Or even a green dragon with Christmas lights running down her tail, I didn't write a thing just...love, chuck and deb. What's there to say except "Why haven't you called your son ? You stonewallin' B*t*h!!!
Reply #7 12/17/10 2:30pm
Italiarose, just this week I told our youngest daughter that we will not be treated disrespectully anymore. We have to take care of ourselves. It didn't go over well at all, but I am hopeful that over time she will begin to see it.
One thing that bothers me is that our ES has indicated he thinks I am a toxic person. He was diagnosed with MS when he was just 23 years old, and he thinks it's because I gave him anxiety. He thinks I am toxic. So in other words, he blamed me for his MS, and I believe he has followed these exact above steps in becoming estranged from us.
Last night my husband and I talked about whether or not he supports me, because it seems I am blamed for everything. The kids think I run everything. I told him he needs to speak up and tell these kids that they are wrong. The truth is, my husband expresses his wishes and frustration but he doesn't say anything directly to the kids, and he never has. Yesterday I told our middle daughter on the phone that I follow what Dad wants and what he's able to handle, and I go by his wishes, and she didn't believe me. I said her dad was sitting right next to me in the car and she could ask him if she wanted to, but she didn't want to. It seems I'm always the one with the bad news - I was the "enforcer", and I willingly did that to protect my dh from stress. But now it has gone too far. So he did try to call our middle daughter, but she did not pick up the phone and has not called back so far. We do have to present a united front, they need to know what his true feelings are, and they need to hear it from him! sorry, I got off track there!
Reply #8 12/17/10 3:04pm
I have issues with this * Toxic Term *...*scratching her blonde head*-- to me , I see someone as toxic if they are a gambling family savings away, physically beating me, emotionally attacking my essance and good character,
conisitantly drunk or using/abusing street drugs...
Now supposing as in our case, whereby my hubby stopped drinking over 30 years ago and cleaned up his act but we still have adult children that are now estranged. All four have said many times, they overall had a fabulous childhood and that was never thier issue with us. I thought for the longest time it was our one year seperation/divorce,hasty date a few others and get back together and worked is all out --it has been 7 years back together and 30 years married to each other before that nonsense....so I suppose one could say *both hubby and I were toxic* during that time.Like I said, I thought that was the issue our EC had with us....but when we asked -- it was not even an issue to them at all...they had dealth with it and accepted it . to this day I dont know what the issues are for either ED ,I do know what the issues are for ES but those are based on past events that can never be changed-- like one that is angry with us because he did not get to spend more time with his grampa and felt we cheated him out of that...grampa passsed away...his other issue is he did not remember his aunt (hubbys sister n hubby,cousin)...as in life when we moved farther away we visited people in the family less and less and he is angry and accusing me of witholding his aunt/uncle and cousins from him all this time. His aunt had a phone and a car and could have called us and came for visits..so I dunno why I am to Blame for the entire situation. I had to deal with raising 4 kids babysitting 5 ontop on my own to help bring in ,money ...and a hubby that worked 3 shifts and life....we did our best to fit a huge family into our schedule and still have time for us too ! I had 3 major life surgeries during those 10 years as well....2 lower back and a total hysterectomy.
Or family has some dysfunction but toxic I dunno...my ES called me posion and said we will never see our GS again...I never rejected my kids...or told them to go away and not come back....i never ever told them to go away at all.....so which of us is toxic now ????????
Reply #9 12/17/10 3:14pm
Good point BlossomingRose! There is such a thing as toxic, but what is toxic and what's just normal ups and downs of life?
When our kids first left home and got out on their own, they would tell us how thankful they were for us as parents. They felt we had given them a good foundation. When our son first married our DIL and they started having children and then became estranged, our daughters were sad that we would not have very much influence over them, because they thought we would be a GOOD influence. So what has changed over the last 5-7 years or so..now we are BAD influences? Our DILs siblings are all off the deep end, continually needing money from parents, can't get their lives together, one sister has abandoned her children to her ex-husband who she divorced because he had a drug problem. Our DS has even considered taking those children in to his home, but fortunately the ex has straightened out and is taking care of the kids. But we didn't have any of those kinds of problems. We are just kind of boring, quiet people! Go figure!
Reply #10 12/17/10 6:27pm
I liken this to a sociopath. They have many of the same traits with absolutely no conscience. Interesting.
1. Searching the internet will bring up a variety of support groups, blogs, and articles, some of which are designed to support estranged parents and others to support estranged adult children. Some of these latter sites may trigger unpleasant feelings that are difficult to deal with. If you wish to investigate the estranged children sites, please do so very carefully, if at all, and only if you feel strong enough. 2. Only members can post here, but anyone can read what is written here. Plea