tearful

~~FORGIVENESS~~

Posted on 11/11/09, 10:37 am

What does that mean to you?

If you forgave your cheating partner, WHY?

What was it that caused you to accept their infidelity and FORGIVE?

WOULD THEY FORGIVE YOU IF YOU WOULD DO THE VERY SAME THING TO THEM?

By this I don't mean just have an affair, but have the very same kind, just reverse the players?

• Reply #1 11/11/09  11:58am
  
  lovingagain
  I forgave my husband 2 days after Dday. I did it for me most of all. You see, I've learned the hard way that holding on to anger and bitterness is a very bad way to live. I did it for 7 long years and it made me physically ill.
  
  I also believe that we are called by God to forgive. I love my husband, and have a complete understanding of WHY the affair happened in the first place. We got to such a dark place, we BOTH made some really bad choices.
  
  I cannot tell you how strongly I believe that we MUST forgive if we expect to rebuild. I believe it was my forgiveness that allowed my H to feel safe and vulnerable, to fully confess, and to do the work necessary to start the rebuilding process. I believe that forgiveness paves the way, and that if we withhold it, we throw up a roadblock that cannot be bridged.
  
  I do not know if my H would be able to forgive in this way. Mostly because I think men react differently to this betrayal.
  
  For the record...if we had divorced, I would still have forgiven him. I have to be able to sleep at night. Holding grudges is a habit I want to never begin again.
• Reply #2 11/11/09  5:13pm
  
  noitsnotme
  I forgave my H because I loved him and wanted to rebuild our marriage, but realized we could not do that unless he confessed to what I knew he had been doing (the affair). I felt that once it was out in the open he could put an end to it with my help and we could begin rebuilding and making a better life for ourselves. I was wrong. I forgave and he confessed and said it would end but not right away. The PA ended but the EA kept going. Sometimes I wish I had not been so quick to give him the gift of my forgiveness until he earned it. He saw my forgiveness as a free pass to keep doing the nasty stuff he was doing with the assurance I would not leave him. I have forgiven him again because it is the only way to go forward either with or without him.
  
  I think he would forgive me for a sexual indiscretion, but I think it would be harder for him to forgive me if I became emotionally involved with someone that threaItened his security. My H will tolerate a lot as long as his little world does not change. Sometimes I think I could have 10 men on the side and he wouldn't care as long as he still got to do the things he wanted and his life was not affected. Is there a name for that type of personality?
• Reply #3 11/11/09  5:41pm
  
  lovingagain
  I don't think there is ANYTHING that my husband could have done to earn my forgiveness. I believe that forgiveness is a choice, an act of our will. We can't give it based on the actions of the person who needs forgiveness. This type of betrayal is so horrendous that nothing would be good enough to earn it.
  
  We forgive for ourselves, for our mental and spiritual health.
• Reply #4 11/11/09  7:48pm
  
  wontbfooldagin
  I disagree. I think that forgiveness should have some conditions that must be met first. I believe that we can accept certain behaviors for our own sake, but we don't have to forgive them. I believe that forgiveness is a gift that should only be bestowed on those who have shown us that they are deserving of that gift. They show us by taking responsibility for their behavior, showing remorse, asking for forgiveness, making amends and showing us they will not repeat the behavior for which we have forgiven.
  
  The OW used to be my friend. She takes no responsibility for the affair. She feels she did nothing wrong and that everyone has the right to do as they please. If two consenting adults get together that is their choice. No one is off limits in her world and if someone gets hurt that is their choice and their problem. She feels no remorse. She has not apologized to me or asked for my forgiveness. She has done nothing to make amends, and has nothing to show me that if my H and I had remained her friend she would not try to start up an affair with him again. In fact, she tried to start things up with him again and told him more than once that if there was ever going to be a romantic relationship between them again he would have to do something about me even though he had made it clear he was no longer interested in having a romane with her.
  
  I would have to be out of my mind to forgive this woman. I accept that she is this type of person and that she behaved the way she did. I accept that she will never be my, or my Hs friend again. I try not to feel anger toward her anymore for my own sake. I feel apathy and pity. When I see her I look the other way. I don't acknowledge her and if she tries to engage with me I do my best to keep it civil, but brief, and get away from her and her awful energy just as fast as I can. Forgiveness . . . uh, uh, no way, not gonna happen.
• Reply #5 11/11/09  7:52pm
  
  wontbfooldagin
  I would like to add that if my H ended up with the OW I would have to accept it for the sake of our family, but I would not forgive him or her. I would just learn to accept it and deal with it to make things as easy as possible for the children involved.
• Reply #6 11/11/09  9:58pm
  
  hockeymom5592
  I always put conditions on forgiveness. I always said, I can let it go...but forgive? Why should I forgive him, when he's not even sorry? I said, if he meets these conditions...then the path is open to forgiveness.
  
  1. He has to recognize what he did was wrong.
  2. He has to show remorse for it, to regret it.
  3. He has to repair the damage he did. For as long as it takes.
  
  The three R's. But then I was reading The Shack. About forgiveness, and I got my first inkling about another reason, a good reason, to forgive. So I am learning. I still struggle with it. But I do see how forgiveness allows you to take yourself back from the act. from the pain. And I see also, how it does not tell him that what he did was ok...it more kind of says....what you did was wrong. You put a lot of negative bullshit into the universe, into my life. But I'm moving past that, I want to live a life of joy....in my case albeit without him in it...I still struggle....but I'm getting there.
  
  I love the quote I read somewhere on ds...Hate is like taking poison and expecting the other person to die.
  
  
• Reply #7 11/12/09  2:01am
  
  Nave
  I keep forgetting to get that book! I really must read it huh?
• Reply #8 11/12/09  7:34am
  
  triskell
  Wontb- I do understand you NOT forgiving the OW. It is so hard to forgive someone who knowingly chose to destroy lives, families, relationships. I certainly pity the small-minded, heartless person that she is. It's not a trait that I'm proud of, but I feel no forgiveness for anyone involved with my H. And I have a little evil streak that sometimes tells me it's ok to wish for a hefty dose of Karma to come their way. I don't want real evil to hurt them... but (like I just told a friend) someday, when they are happy and content in their lives and love... I would want them to know how it feels to have their "love" betray them in the same manner, with the same excuses and same lies... I know it's not MY place to teach the lesson, but I want THEM to know just how much pain and destruction they have knowingly made the choice to help cause. Not proud to feel this way... but I have my days...
  
  I still struggle with what real forgiveness is all about. But the fact that I have tried to understand, and chosen to stay together because of a love that I believe we share- I would have to say I have forgiven. Not forgotten.
• Reply #9 11/12/09  8:16am
  
  lovingagain
  Don't misunderstand...my H asked for my forgiveness. He was totally destroyed, beaten down. I don't believe I've ever seen a person so utterly overwhelmed with guilt etc.
  
  I have not had the opportunity to forgive the OW because she has never spoken to me. I am willing to forgive, but can't if she never asks me to.
  
  Mostly, I forgive because I am forgiven in Christ.
  
  Take heed to yourselves: If thy brother trespass against thee, rebuke him; and if he repent, forgive him.
  --Luke 17:3
  
  But love ye your enemies, and do good, and lend, hoping for nothing again; and your reward shall be great, and ye shall be the children of the Highest: for he is kind unto the unthankful and to the evil. Be ye therefore merciful, as your Father also is merciful. Judge not, and ye shall not be judged: condemn not, and ye shall not be condemned: forgive, and ye shall be forgiven:
  (Luke 6:35-37)
• Reply #10 11/12/09  9:35am
  
  tearful
  GUILT or REMORSE ? I believe if they feel guilt then they are thinking of themselves, if they feel true remorse then they are truly sorry for what they did.

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