austinsmoma...

my marriage is suffering.........

Posted on 06/16/11, 06:37 pm

My son is ADHD and ODD lately he has started being more and more defiant. He argues about everything, it dosent matter the circumstance, or what we try to settle him, hes just angry. My husband and I are both out for the same result, however it seems that our paths on getting there are usually quite differant. I feel hes to hard on our son, where he feels I'm not stern enough. I know that there has got to be a place in the middle somewhere, but its proving quite hard to find. Our relationship with each other is suffering more and more everyday because we both think things should be done a certain way. On top of that our house is a very stressfull place to live alot of the time because of our sons disorders and the extra stress it puts on our home. I want so badly for us to find a way to comunicate with each other about the issues that come up with out hurting each other. just to get on the same page. I love my husband and I love our son, I just want to find a way for us to all be happy together. To raise our son together, not seperatly. Any ideas on parenting a child with ADHD and ODD with out losing your marriage in the process?

• Reply #1 07/01/11  5:15pm
  
  Twodoors
  I understand completely. there are several good books and lots of advice on dealing with ODD kids. Mine is 7 and a half. We are lucky as we caught it early but it doesnt make it any easier. My son walks all over my wife as well. He is not as bad with me but he still knows how to push my buttons. The biggest difference of opinion/arguing has been over the issue of spanking.
  
  Its about control. Our children are not like regular kids in their emotions and thining. I am just coming to the realization that I have to realize I can not contol my sons emotions and outbursts. I have to learn how to not let them get to me and make ME react. I have to change how I deal with my son. I have decided to give up on spanking as that only makes him more emotional and gives him ammo to use my wife against me.
  
  I have also been judgemental of my wife. She has never beleived in spanking and has tried to buy her way around his bad behavior. "If your good Ill buy you a toy", "If your good well go to the movies." My son has been an expert at playing us against each other.
  
  You are not alone in your situation and how it affects ones marriage. What we as parents neeed to recognize is that we can respond to our ODD kids as if they are regular kids having a tantrum. They think and react differently. We need to change how we think and respond to each situation when it arises. A tall order but one that can be done a day at a time.
• Reply #2 10/07/11  12:44am
  
  beverlyann17
  MY suggestion..is for you and your husband to sit together and discuss the lack of communication on your difference's of discipline with out any children or no one else around. If you can not come to a conclusion as grown adults. Than you are always going to have this issue. My opinion..one can nevr be too harsh on the ODD..children all tend to listen to a mans voice much more however your husband could have the same discipline he already has JUST in a different man
  or and you could be agreeable with it. Not to down us mothers but its the truth children listen to men more than they do women.
• Reply #3 04/09/12  5:08pm
  
  shoreguy
  I have exactly the same situation so i know what your going through. If that's not bad enough I have relocated in order to keep a job so now I'm out of the picture 5 days a week and only around on weekends. I actually am coming to accept that I have lost all of my authority around the house and my son doesn't see any reason to listen to any thing I say and he does what he wants. I feel the only thing that will teach him is if he moves out of the house and gets an apartment by himself (he's 22) but that isn't going to happen. you are lucky in one respect that you and your husband are on the same page because my spouse and i are not and that just adds to the stress. the plus side for me is my apartment where I live during the week doesn't have any of the stresses that i was dealing with when I lived at home. I don't know how one fixes the situation only that it is a very long road and therapists have told us that they cant help him. I don't know how old your child is but what i can say is the older they get, I believe it makes things much more difficult. The lines of communication have broken down between my son and myself, it is many times too stressful to talk to him about anything, not to mention that his attitude is such that I cant do anything right in his eyes - ever. All i can say is i know what you are experiencing, the situation rips the very fabric that holds the family together. My son doesn't seem to care what consternation he is causing. Mine is starting to get in trouble with the law for driving infractions and has bill collectors calling the house constantly. If you find any resources on how to handle such a child or adult please do share it with me
• Reply #4 10/16/12  3:02pm
  
  4myson744
  Wow! This is sooooooo much like what is going on at my house right now. When they get a temper tantrum it can be so difficult.
  
  My husband has inattentive add, thyroid problems and I have bipolar II and both of us are "older" than our years of 42 and 44. We are ALMOST on the same page but there are times when my husband and I are in total disagreeement and we argue.
  
  R'Lee my son has a teeny tiny bit of empathy and is still young enough to be sorry about what he does--I just hope that we can get him the help he needs.
  
  Yes, no matter how angry your spouse gets you--you HAVE to hold on.

Parents of children with ODD