The Importance of ValidationPosted on 08/13/09, 02:45 pm
Reply #1 08/13/09 4:03pm
you are so right! i envy you your relationship with your sister but i am very glad you have that relationship. i am also very glad you joined! i am still learning how to become better at validating and the recent experience i had with someone not validating me and other opened my eyes to the need for such a room to exist. invite anyone and everyone you know who has been the victim of others invalidation.
Reply #2 08/21/09 11:30am
Yes! Its so frustrating when you go to a best friend who you know cares for and loves you and when you tell them your pain they start thinking about what they would do and say etc. Its so easy to give advice when you can be objective and not have any emotional investment with your own real feelings but we all know how hard it is when it comes to our own issues.
I have learnt to go inside and talk to my inner child and love and soothe her so that i don't need others validation (they find it so hard to do) and then i give myself the validation i need.
Self validation is what i'd like to achieve and whilst i am very grateful for my therapist hearing me properly i now need to do this for myself.
Blessings and joy to you both
Reply #3 09/07/09 3:35pm
it is great when someone can be secure within themselves, there are many who don't have that. i am very self aware (according to my counselor) and secure within myself even when others aren't 'there' for me. i want to strive to reach outside myself and learn how to be there better for those who are struggling which is the main focus of this group. i guess i can empathize with these others because there was a time that i was exactly like that too, and there are still some people in my life that i wish were there for me who aren't and they invalidate me at every turn. this still hurts even though i know it is their problem and not mine.
i know one person also who hides behind the idea of 'self validation' to avoid looking at her own issues (i don't believe you are like that), because she has so many of her own issues that she is in denial of she tends to invalidate those around her who aren't secure within themselves. she has major issues and the only way she is really comfortable is if she controls everyone around her. she is what we used to call a control freak. if anyone has a very different idea than hers she launches a very skillful subtle attack on that individual if she perceives them a threat to seeing the real her, or ignores them completely if she believes they don't have a clue to her real nature she and thereby disrespects them.
I appreciate your desire to achieve self validation and i hope through reading the posts to learn how to become better at validating others you can achieve your personal goals as well by tweaking the information a bit to suit your needs. i am glad you are here and believe you will be a valuable asset to the group to help those who need to be more secure inside to learn how to do this.
Reply #4 09/27/09 8:33pm
Seld validation is great but lets faxe it, we need others to care for and wgo care for us. At least that's what beleive. "Am I not my brothers keeper"
I am curently homeless, living in my car, no family close by. I once owned a home. My current validation issues are the loss of my cat. She got out of the car and has been missin three weeks. I will more than likely never see her again. I need to greive her and am lucky to have one or two friends who get it. Many others say keep the faith, she will be back, etc. That invalidates my feelings of loss and it hurts. The other is a friend who hasnt returned my calls for over a week. No explanation as to why. I have mo memory of saying or doing anything that would cause this. He makes me laugh at a time in my life when I really need it. But no reply. If thats not a lack of validation I dont know what is. I think in time I will just write it off as something I will never get, and move on. But right now it hurts alot. Validation is empathy, listening,comforting, saying"hey, I understand, I'm sorry you are hurting, you deserve beter " But some people just done have it in them. I dont get it and never will.
Reply #5 09/27/09 8:37pm
sorry for my poor spelling - sleep deprivation, grief equals lack of concentration...............
Reply #6 10/05/09 6:53pm
you are right about what validation is and isn't. i won't tell you keep the faith about your cat. i will say i know what it is to lose one. i went totally nuts when one of mine got outside, he was a totally indoor cat. i screamed and cried. he got scared and climbed in a bush by the house, i heard him but thought i was hallucinating. i followed the sound and found him then squeezed him till he meowed in pain from being squeezed so hard. so i do understand losing your pet. they add so much to our lives and the hole they leave when they aren't there is huge! i am sorry for your loss and i do understand.
For anyone who has suffered invalidation and want to share their experiences. For anyone who wants to learn what it is and what it isn't. For anyone who wants to become a validater or improve their abilities to validate others.