What a strange feeling.. knowing that I DO have a family out there, that are related to me, and that I spent the first 17 years of my life with.. that I thought I had a happy childhood with, the brother I grew up with, the parents that brought me into the world;; but yet... its as though they are dead. It has been so long since i have seen or heard from my loser, criminal, lazy, mootching, lying, scumbag N of a brother, it's been years since I have seen or spoken to my parents... and I sent my no contact letter (not because there was any contact really to be cut off, but because I did it for me, for the theraputic aspect of it) I know I will never see them or speak to them again, I doubt i will even be informed if they become ill or pass away. The grieving I am going through, isnt just for finally having a diagnosis for her, or for realizing that even when i thought i was loved as a child. it isnt just for all the pain she has caused me and the unbearable hurts she has inflicted.... but also for the complete and utter loss of my entire family.. mother, father, brother... it's as though they have all already passed on. At least when they really do pass away, I will have had all these last 20 years of mourning the loss of a family already, and then it wont hurt as much.