Wow. So many things you said describe my mother too. She has epilepsy and fits of rage (though you can't tell if she's mad because often times she won't tell you she's mad or angry.)
Case in point: This morning at 5:30am, she gave me a stiff hug (usually she's the warm one to say good morning), and then she went to put her makeup on (remeber, this is 5:30 am and I work at 7am). She comes into the kitchen and my bangs which are swept to the sides but insanely curly (I have curly hair) and she has to comment on how homeless I look... Bizzare. I'm used to these types of comments but despite that it still hurts. And I mean at 5:30 am before I've had breakfast and my caffeine jolt, not to mention before doing my hair, I'm supposed to wake up looking amazing??? Wow.
Hm... I'm already reading Toxic Parents and this other Controlling Parents book but I should really check that book out. Oh, and I"m 19 and currently staying with my family for the year (but hopefully only the summer inbetween semesters).
Discussion Topic
Meet My Mother (& share yours)
Posted on 06/03/08, 03:15 pm
Hi - it looks like there hasn't been much activity here for nearly a month. Thought I'd try something...just sharing my own mother-issues and inviting anyone to say whatever they want about theirs as well.
My mother was and is a perfectionist, first of all. Total "Type A" personality. (It has given her high blood pressure now in mid-life.)
My whole life, I thought my mother was crazy. She could be nice one moment and a raving bitch the next. She would fly into these rages, and you never knew when they would strike. It could be over something like, she doesn't like her hair that morning. Over the years, she has said many hurtful things that now I, as a parent myself, know parents should NEVER say to their children.
Well, my husband is a therapist, and as he was working towards his degree and license, every now and then we would try to figure mom out. Is she bipolar? No, she didn't meet enough criteria for that. Does she have Borderline Personality Disorder? No, she isn't quite THAT bad. (It just feels like it to me, but no.) We were mystified at how she would have strange reactions and do strange things, but not meet all the symptoms of any DSM-IV category.
One of Mom's tricks is, she gets angry at you for something--and chances are, it isn't something you actually did, it is some wrong she *percieves* you have done--BUT she doesn't tell you she is mad. She doesn't tell you the next time she is ticked at you either. She stores up things you "have done wrong" and bottles up her anger at you...I have noticed on an average of 3-4 years. And then one day, when you least expect it, she EXPLODES at you and gives you a litany of what a horrible person YOU are. Even if most of it isn't even true, yet, she will not listen to you explain how she got things all wrong. Apparently she enjoys being furious more than having her facts straight or feeling better about the person she is angry at.
This all came to a head right after this New Years. She and my father were visiting us (they live in another town, Thank God). We took 2 cars to church and had plans to meet at a restaurant after. Trouble is, we had a miscommunication about exactly WHICH restaurant--the one by the church or the one near our house? My husband and I went to 1 and my parents went to the other...and since it was Sunday nobody had cell phones on them! Kind-of comical, right? Everyone makes mistakes like this sometimes, right?
Ho-HO! NO! According to Mom, my husband and I did this ON PURPOSE to her, because we are selfish, insensitive, awful people. Never mind that we were frantically trying to find them and did end up at the right restaurant--where mom had gotten a table for 4, which were our 2 kids & her & Dad. She informed us THEY were having lunch, she didn't know or care what we were going to do. My husband said "We don't deserve this," and she came up out of her booth seat, eyes all wide and crazy, and yelled "Oh yes you do!" Now, the kids had no clue what was going on. I decided to leave them with my folks and go home, because they would have to bring the kids back and then we could talk.
What a talk it was! Back at our house, she raved for half an hour about what bad parents we are, and how horrible my husband is. I didn't argue much because I know from a lifetime of experience it does no good, and she won't listen anyway. But my husband--the therapist!--tried a few techniques on her he would use with a patient. To his astonishment (and a bit of amusement) NONE OF THESE TECHNIQUES WORKED. He told me later, he has never had a patient going off on him that bad give him that much trouble.
He finally figured out that, whatever Mom's problem is, there is certainly no talking to her--she will believe what she wants to believe, no matter what the facts are.
And then, a coupla months later, we were in a bookstore and my husband found this book: http://www.amazon.com/Children-Sel...
"CHILDREN OF THE SELF ABSORBED"! It described my mom to a T. So, she DOES have a problem: narcissism. Not so you would notice, I mean, she can put-down her own looks and she is not regularly boastful. It turns out there a many different levels and manifestations of narcissism.
SO, if you are having parent troubles but can't put your finger on it, I recommend that book.
Meanwhile, what to do about my mom? >sigh< It took me a few months to adjust to this new idea that there is NOTHING I can SAY to Mom about my life or about how wonderful my husband is. In the past, I would have tried to "fix" this. I would have tried to make her see reason, I would have tried to mend her relationship to my spouse, I would have felt "stuck in the middle" and like it was my responsibility.
And this would have stressed me out and given me ulcers and sleepless nights and a lot of tears and frustration. And then, ultimately, it all would have been for nothing because none of it would have worked (except probably to piss her off more. Or, encourage her behavior by showing her she has this power over me!)
But, Lord help us, I am taking my kids in 2 weeks and going to stay with them for almost a MONTH.
I know. Now who's crazy? LOL! But, it is home. I miss home, I miss my friends, I miss other family there, and at HEY at least there are 2 sets of grandparents so plenty of FREE babysitting!
And so I will go, and walk on eggshells around Mom.
My mother was and is a perfectionist, first of all. Total "Type A" personality. (It has given her high blood pressure now in mid-life.)
My whole life, I thought my mother was crazy. She could be nice one moment and a raving bitch the next. She would fly into these rages, and you never knew when they would strike. It could be over something like, she doesn't like her hair that morning. Over the years, she has said many hurtful things that now I, as a parent myself, know parents should NEVER say to their children.
Well, my husband is a therapist, and as he was working towards his degree and license, every now and then we would try to figure mom out. Is she bipolar? No, she didn't meet enough criteria for that. Does she have Borderline Personality Disorder? No, she isn't quite THAT bad. (It just feels like it to me, but no.) We were mystified at how she would have strange reactions and do strange things, but not meet all the symptoms of any DSM-IV category.
One of Mom's tricks is, she gets angry at you for something--and chances are, it isn't something you actually did, it is some wrong she *percieves* you have done--BUT she doesn't tell you she is mad. She doesn't tell you the next time she is ticked at you either. She stores up things you "have done wrong" and bottles up her anger at you...I have noticed on an average of 3-4 years. And then one day, when you least expect it, she EXPLODES at you and gives you a litany of what a horrible person YOU are. Even if most of it isn't even true, yet, she will not listen to you explain how she got things all wrong. Apparently she enjoys being furious more than having her facts straight or feeling better about the person she is angry at.
This all came to a head right after this New Years. She and my father were visiting us (they live in another town, Thank God). We took 2 cars to church and had plans to meet at a restaurant after. Trouble is, we had a miscommunication about exactly WHICH restaurant--the one by the church or the one near our house? My husband and I went to 1 and my parents went to the other...and since it was Sunday nobody had cell phones on them! Kind-of comical, right? Everyone makes mistakes like this sometimes, right?
Ho-HO! NO! According to Mom, my husband and I did this ON PURPOSE to her, because we are selfish, insensitive, awful people. Never mind that we were frantically trying to find them and did end up at the right restaurant--where mom had gotten a table for 4, which were our 2 kids & her & Dad. She informed us THEY were having lunch, she didn't know or care what we were going to do. My husband said "We don't deserve this," and she came up out of her booth seat, eyes all wide and crazy, and yelled "Oh yes you do!" Now, the kids had no clue what was going on. I decided to leave them with my folks and go home, because they would have to bring the kids back and then we could talk.
What a talk it was! Back at our house, she raved for half an hour about what bad parents we are, and how horrible my husband is. I didn't argue much because I know from a lifetime of experience it does no good, and she won't listen anyway. But my husband--the therapist!--tried a few techniques on her he would use with a patient. To his astonishment (and a bit of amusement) NONE OF THESE TECHNIQUES WORKED. He told me later, he has never had a patient going off on him that bad give him that much trouble.
He finally figured out that, whatever Mom's problem is, there is certainly no talking to her--she will believe what she wants to believe, no matter what the facts are.
And then, a coupla months later, we were in a bookstore and my husband found this book: http://www.amazon.com/Children-Sel...
"CHILDREN OF THE SELF ABSORBED"! It described my mom to a T. So, she DOES have a problem: narcissism. Not so you would notice, I mean, she can put-down her own looks and she is not regularly boastful. It turns out there a many different levels and manifestations of narcissism.
SO, if you are having parent troubles but can't put your finger on it, I recommend that book.
Meanwhile, what to do about my mom? >sigh< It took me a few months to adjust to this new idea that there is NOTHING I can SAY to Mom about my life or about how wonderful my husband is. In the past, I would have tried to "fix" this. I would have tried to make her see reason, I would have tried to mend her relationship to my spouse, I would have felt "stuck in the middle" and like it was my responsibility.
And this would have stressed me out and given me ulcers and sleepless nights and a lot of tears and frustration. And then, ultimately, it all would have been for nothing because none of it would have worked (except probably to piss her off more. Or, encourage her behavior by showing her she has this power over me!)
But, Lord help us, I am taking my kids in 2 weeks and going to stay with them for almost a MONTH.
I know. Now who's crazy? LOL! But, it is home. I miss home, I miss my friends, I miss other family there, and at HEY at least there are 2 sets of grandparents so plenty of FREE babysitting!
And so I will go, and walk on eggshells around Mom.
-
Reply #1 06/24/08 12:56am
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Reply #2 06/25/08 3:46pm
My husband gave my "Children of the Self-Absorbed" book to one of his favorite patients whose father certifiably has borderline personality disorder. She is loving that book.
I have curly hair too! Mom always likes my hair, I guess, but I have to struggle with eating disorders thanks to her always "putting us all on a diet" while I was growing up. Like an 80 lb. 7th grader needs to go on a diet! ugh. Yeah, anyway, hopefully the info and anecdotes in the books you are reading will help you learn to let your mom's hurtful comments roll off your back. It's hard, tho, isn't it? I'm so used to putting my shields up around my mom, but I get jealous of my friends' mothers when they are normal and cool and loving. -
Reply #3 07/23/08 7:18pm
Yea. I get jealous of other families sometimes too. They honestly don't know how lucky they are. I once had a friend ask why I was so angry and serious all the time. She came to visit (after a couple years of falling out in highschool) and she appologized afterward. I didn't want her appology but I guess she understands me a little more now.
But now me and mom are working to better each other... hopefully it'll stick. -
Reply #4 10/09/08 10:21am
Hi Starbuck,
I'm new to this board and this group. I went online looking for a support group around mother issues. Reading your original post, there are many similarities with my mother. She is hypersensitive and shifts blame for everything onto others. She has no capacity for self awareness and how she may contributing. If she does or says anything that upsets me and I point it out to her, I best be ready for a whole lot of toxicity to come flying back at me. She takes things personally and retaliates in rage. There is another book that has helped me a lot: When You and Your Mother Can't Be Friends by Victoria Secunda. It is really excellent.
I had to chuckle when your husband the therapist tried some of his techniques on your mother and they didn't work. Here's my mother's response when I tried to use "I" statements. I-statements are a way of communicating with someone so you don't use the blaming word "You." Example: "I feel bad- I feel hurt," etc...... When I tried this with my mom, she replied "I, I, I,....... you only care about yourself!" So much for I-statements.
My problem is that I am an only child and my mother is 2000 miles away. She is widowed and pretty lonely. Out of duty, I try and keep in contact with her. (Also, she's not all bad and I genuinely miss her when we haven't seen one another in a long time). But whenever we get together for a multi day visit, she treats me badly and then blames me for everything. Ugh! I always get physically ill. I just got back from a few days with her and it happened again. I am sad because I don't have much family but it's hard to know how to deal with a woman like this.
Chandra -
Reply #5 10/19/09 5:46am
I hope no one takes offense to this statement, but I'm so glad you all posted about your Mothers so that I know that I'm not the only one having such issues with my Mom. I also get physically sick when dealing with my Mother so I know where you are coming from Chandra.
I don't totally understand what exactly the problem is with me and my Mom.
I truly feel like she simply does not like me at all. She refuses to say I love you to me
when we email back and forth when I say I love you to her. She never hugs me.
I know she isn't happy with choices that I've made in my life, but I can't go back
and fix them so I don't really understand what she expects me to do.
I have apologized to my Mom a number of times and told her that no matter what
it was that made things like this I am truly sorry and want to work on having
a healthier Mother / Daughter relationship. Well that's all fine and good.
She will say oh yes that sounds good then her actions will proceed to make sure
that DOES NOT happen. I don't see my Mom very often. I know she doesn't want to for one.
She found out recently that she has cancer and she won't even let me be there for her
for that to do whatever she needs and take care of her. So, I don't know what it is about
me that makes me such a horrible person. My family totally shuns me so I don't really
have anyone other than my boyfriend and my kids. I don't know if this will ever be fixed.
I am going to check into the book that was mentioned and see if it helps.
Thank you all for posting. I know I was away for quite a long time, but I intend to be on here
daily from now on. Best wishes to everyone. -
Reply #6 10/19/09 11:30am
JenCrySmiles,
It's really painful to have a bad relationship with one's mother. Try reading "Will I Ever Be Good Enough" : Healing the Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers by Dr. Karyl McBride. You'll know quickly enough whether your mother is in that category.
On another note, if my mother ever got cancer (or something MUCH less serious), she would expect me to drop everything and move 2000 miles to take care of her. Never mind that she could have moved to the area I'm living two years ago when she moved out of her house and into a condo. No, she'd rather have me uproot my life even though I need to work to support myself and she's long retired.
The best thing you can do is to put your energies into healing yourself with reading and therapy, instead of beating your head against the wall hoping and waiting for your mother to change. Best of luck to you.
Chandra -
Reply #7 10/19/09 10:27pm
Chandra thank you for the book suggestion. I will defintely check that out.
My Mom is a very closed off person and she acts like it isn't a big deal.
Just keeping my thoughts positive that they will get all of the cancer when
she has her surgery in November.
I will definitely be reading the book and seeing how it can help me and I
will look into some therapy. We just moved so I'm still getting to know the area.
Thank you so much and best wishes to you, Chandra.
Jennifer
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She gave us life and brought us into the world. So why do things have to be so difficult? This group is for anyone who has issues with their Mom and would like support in dealing with it. Together maybe we can get a better understanding of why and how to deal with it.
