Dealing with DisappointmentPosted on 06/12/10, 10:44 pm
EXPRESS YOUR PAIN. Cry if you want to cry, curse at the unfairness of your situation, scream at the top of your lungs, beat a pillow, or better yet write a raging letter about your disappointment to your friends at Moms' Place. Your purpose is to be honest with yourself about what you are feeling. If you feel hate, bitterness, self-pity, helplessness, or even desire revenge, then that is what you feel.
PERSPECTIVE. When the tears are dry - know that while your disappointment with your adult child feels bad, it can happen to anyone in life, or worse things can happen. You are not being singled out or punished. Remind yourself that today's disappointment won't last forever. The sun will shine again, and the day you will feel better again will happen. Count all the ways your situation could change. There are many severe ways - death, illness, divorce, mental breakdowns, freak accidents, disability, or maybe even a miraculous event that could change your current situation. Although we don't wish for the worst, it could happen.
GET RID OF DOUBT. Do you feel yourself wanting to give up? Daily say, "I must make myself happy until the disappointment does a turn around." Don't try to hide from your disappointment, but find ways to extract value from your experience. Take this time to get in shape and become healthier. Find a new hobby that puts you in excitement. IMPORTANT: Learn breathing exercises for when you are feeling at your lowest point.
EMPOWERING STATEMENTS -
"I know that I'll feel better soon."
"I've gotten through disappointment before. I know I'll get through this."
"I'm going to be open to the silver lining hidden within this disappointment."
"Good will come out of this situation. I choose to be patient as it unfolds."
"I don't know exactly what to do right now, but I know that I will make the right choices."
"I have choice over my feelings and right now, I choose to breathe more deeply into my peace, not my fear."
Remember, it takes courage to leave the rut of disappointment. Don't quit yet. Use the steps above to discover the tremendous capacity within you to rise above and beyond your disappointment and find contentment.
Go here for deep breathing exercises: http://www.youtube.com/results?sear...
Reply #1 06/13/10 6:06am
Great advice. I will have to keep reminding myself of these things or I will regress.
I have had disappointments before, but never with something that mattered this much. Friends have disappointed me, but I was able to move on and make new friends. Parents have disappointed me but I was able to move on and let it go. My ex disappointed me, but I was able to move on and not look back. I just never thought anything like this would happen to me with my own child.
Reply #2 06/13/10 8:46am
NoSon, the diappointment by ACs feels like betrayal because they are our flesh and blood. How dare they? They will move on with their lives following their noses, but we must exist in their wake! Our only option is to stay healthy and not let their whims mess with our minds. The only way I know is by action. After I grieved for over a month I got up and joined a class at the rec. center, signed up for college courses, bought a stepper for exercise and sought friends online like her at DS because I couldnt' keep telling my close friends about these feelings I was having. Only a couple understood and I didn't want to hound them with my problems.
Try and tell yourself that you can't fix DIL and your son is smitten and there's no help there plus he wants to keep peace. So we have to exist in the background until changes happen.
Reply #3 06/13/10 9:24am
You are so right Ching. I actually have a very full and busy life apart from ES, so I do not need him for my self-esteem. What hurts a lot is missing out on a relationship with the innocent GKs.
Reply #4 06/13/10 9:46am
Well, you said the magic words, grandkids! Yes, this is the pain. Mine lived nearby like yours through my two estrangements with daughter. I actually had to pretend they lived far, far away and remind myself that they had all the essential ingredients of home, food, care and hopefully love of parents. If they were in harms way I would have had to intervene. So many g/ks do not have the care and food they need and these g/ms do have worries. Some drop the g/ks off with g/ps and leave the state. We always have to count our blessings when dealing with these DILs or SILs. Do you have other g/ks?
Reply #5 06/13/10 1:27pm
Both of my GKs are in the same family ... unfortunately the estranged one. Bad luck, huh?
Reply #6 06/13/10 2:20pm
good advice its best to let out your feeling or they can make you ill, i let out my anger and feelings in a letter and posted it to my ed and i dont have an once of regreat now. i told her if she wontme then she knows were i am,it gave me closure and now im moveing on xx
Reply #7 06/13/10 4:45pm
snowflack - so pleased you are able to move on. Wish I were able to do same. Maybe one day.
Reply #8 06/14/10 12:52pm
Sorry, No son. Loss of g/ks is a big one.
One estranged mother adoped a young girl recently. I thought that was a most positive way to deal with her estrangement. When we are shut out we need to search for fulfillment. I even thought of child care in my home, but I was volunteering at senior center giving art classes and the two were not compatible.
Reply #9 06/14/10 7:02pm
I too feel I could deal with it better if my grandson wasn't involved. At least, I know for a fact that he's well taken care of, loved, and even taken to church, so I don't worry about his welfare, but just know I'm missing some of his most important growth. And, I too, thought of being a mom to others as they've told me they wished they had a mom like me...many times! And, I was es from my daddy, and that didn't bother me because he was mean anyway, and no man could ever hurt me like this because they can be replaced, but I can't replace my child...she was my miracle child. She was our 5th wedding anniversary present...the best present ever! How can she turn her back on me now? I was always there when she needed me.
Reply #10 06/14/10 7:13pm
I love the advice at the top of the page by Lotuswhite. Today, I've cried again...haven't in a while now, but there was a segment on Oprah about child molestation and that's why I'm divorced and when all this madness began...when we found out about my ex. Today, I've wanted to get my letter ready to mail to my daughter listing my good traits as well as hers. A friend came over to bring my clothes that were being stored in their camper and said I might want to rewrite it as I was also pointing out what she did and said my tape recording of how she talked to me was sufficient. I need to wait until I've settled down before I mail this letter to her. I'm reminding her of why I moved back here in the first place...at her suggestion. There's a part of me that wants to run as far from here as possible and start over somewhere else like I did before I came here. I was having fun...great job that I loved and was treated w/respect...not now. I loved the climate...it is HOT here. I'm feeling resentful today. Maybe it's the Benadryl I'm taking for the plants I'm allergic to here that is making me irritable today. My son also got a little snippy with me today and that didn't sit well, but I sucked it up and told him to just enjoy his little girl and I'd talk with him later and pretended not to notice. Then, I cried after I hung up. I'm wondering if I'm ready to give my es that letter as I'm going to a dance class soon and looking forward to it. I'm not going to allow her to ruin it for me...again. I fear if I open the door again, she's just going to start in on me all over again and I don't need or want that. OK, there, I vented. It has helped to get on this site as I haven't been on here in a few days because I was doing so well, but not today, so I needed you all. Yes, I do resent my time being taken away from my grandson as I can't get that back. I try not to dwell on that. I will spend this weekend with my 20 mos old granddaughter. That helps, but one can't replace the other. What does hold me together is knowing today isn't the rest of my life. One thing is for certain, I will never again push a man away that will take me away if he lives in another state or is in the military. I've always made certain not to get involved with anyone that would take me away, but hey, why not? I feel I'm the one grieving here; not my es.
Estrangement as well as empty nesting for a parent are heartbreaking; This support group will help you overcome your fears and depression and show you that you can have a life after your Adult Children leave home. Family and friends don't understand our pain. These are difficult times. We offer friendship and provide knowledge of surviving our darkest emotional state. If you are an estrangement victim, we invite you to heal with us. Off-Topics permitted. Be kind to each other.