Discussion Topic

Let your adult kid do their thing

Posted on 05/22/13, 02:22 pm
Good article I would like to share with you,,,,kind of gives a good insight on how we want our children to be but are not,,,just a part of it that related to me and DH in our situation of the estrangement,,,backing off does help and no contact...we found there was more to the story than our ES/DS being manipulated.. he was/is ashamed of his life...

Here is an excerpt:
Son does not have a relationship with his family because apparently his wife is pulling him away from his family. Well hello! Isn’t he deciding to agree with this woman? Isn’t he saying, OK, I am not going to be in a relationship with my family because you, partner, have asked me. Father, you can’t change that. You can say, “Please have a relationship with me. Please do not stay away from me.” But there must be an agreement there, and there’s nothing you can do to control. And you can be as concerned as you want, but that concern and that worry are hurting you. So, parents who are overly concerned about their adult children, what they are doing is not taking care of their own lives. And they’re using their children as a way to avoid dealing with their own lives. I want you to deal with your own life.

http://www.visualizationworks.com/a...
Showing 1 - 10 of 12 Replies
  • Reply #1 05/22/13  3:13pm
    I've always let me children (adult or not) do what they wanted to do. I am not in the world to limit anyone. I encouraged their independence. Now they are independent, well educated and well positioned, so that worked. Perhaps my children needed something different.
  • Reply #2 05/22/13  4:24pm
    I think there is merit in what she is saying.. to a point. I read the article and both of her examples apply to myself and DH!.. we have an ES and a recovering addict daughter. When it's a matter of life and death it is not so easy to walk away, even though we know the odds are against her recovery. But without our support she absolutely will not make it. As it is, we are constantly learning and changing our old approaches that have not worked and have only enabled her. It is very hard to do in practice, because it takes a lot of energy. Today I can say that we confronted the irresponsibility once again, and are back on track. I see her moving toward a better future but it takes confrontation and consistency...

    we also encouraged our kids to shoot for the moon, unfortunately some kids just aren't cut out for that and we should have seen it earlier.. but glad we have a second chance to see her for what she really is, both her strengths and weaknesses, and I feel quite sure she will be okay as we eventually are not in the picture anymore.
  • Reply #3 05/22/13  5:12pm
    I've never held my daughter back to satisfy my own needs but I may have been guilty in the past of wanting my ED to be closer than she was probably comfortable with. She has always been very independent where I am concerned and was much closer to her dad before he left. I take heart in believing that she seems happy with her life now
  • Reply #4 05/22/13  6:20pm
    Very good advise!! thank you!!
  • Reply #5 05/22/13  7:56pm
    i just read the article, and there is much truth in it. Norah, Kitty, Kelly, and Momtotwosons, you are all so wonderful. I too raised my daughter and praised in her in her independence.My daughter gained strength in knowing that I would always be there if she fell. I can't say that she never afforded me with the same respect. Even hospitalization and no one to drive me home, or care for me for the next 24 hours, made my Ed want to help. Never even a bowl of soup or a carnation.......never. I too take comfort in knowing she is nice to others. I am in a lot of physical pain today, very sick and can't get to the doctor today, so excuse me if my posts don't make alot of sense. Love to all
  • Reply #6 05/22/13  8:27pm
    Sheree--I am so sorry about your pain --- and many of us are too familiar with the non-visits, and callousness around illness. Last year when my younger es was living with us, my DH had a heart attack; es said he would drive right to the hospital----never showed up never bothered to even ask how his dad was.

    My older es has control issues--diagnosed---I have never been controlling of the kids---maybe I would have been if I''d been able to get away with it. I see a lot of moms of sons who control every aspect of their lives--the boys don't object, they are very compliant and respectful of their mothers.
  • Reply #7 05/22/13  10:40pm
    They really do a lot of that 'pulling away from their family' don't they?
  • Reply #8 05/23/13  11:18am
    My ex pulls mine away and away and away. It's okay what goes around comes around.
  • Reply #9 05/23/13  4:14pm
    The lesson about letting your adult kids go their own way and concentrating on taking care of myself has been a hard one for me! I raised ES to be independent, also. I think at times he didn't like that, and wants to accuse me of abandoning him. ???
  • Reply #10 05/23/13  6:54pm
    One minute we are smothering them, the next minute, we are abandoning them. There is never a win-win situation in estrangement because the rules are never the same for both parties. Our adult children have something only they can give us; and they use this as a weapon. At least if we are taking care of ourselves, we can be ready for the roller coaster when they let our grandchildren back in our lives. If this never happens at least their selfishness didn't destroy us. I seriously think about getting a treatment to erase the pain, the painful memories, but have to find a way to see the humor in that. If you erase one thing, you might lose something else very important.

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