Discussion Topic

Separated after 30+ years of marriage.

Posted on 08/26/08, 06:12 pm
If anyone is going through a separation/divorce after being married this long and would like to start a discussion, please let me know. This is the hardest, and most confusing thing I have ever gone through. I would like to talk to others who are going through the same thing.
Showing 1 - 10 of 17 Replies
  • Reply #1 09/24/08  1:31pm
    hi, I'm getting ready to go through a divorce after 31 yrs of marriage. I find this a very confusing time as well.
  • Reply #2 09/26/08  4:40pm
    yes this is a very hard thing to go through. anytime you need or want to chat, contact me. I've been through the same thing, details later if you are interested.
  • Reply #3 01/02/10  12:45am
    My husband and I "celebrated" our 40th anniversary in 2009. I am secretly planning to tell him I want a divorce sometime in the next few weeks. I'm getting all the tax info together and then will see a divorce financial planner, and then I'll tell my husband. I'm hoping that he will see that we have just grown so far apart that we can go through a Collaborative Divorce quickly and without rancor.

    If anyone has any suggestions, I'd be so grateful to hear them. I wish for everyone a peaceful and fulfilling new year.
  • Reply #4 01/02/10  7:01pm
    Hi Meiho, just found the post you referred to on the message board. Wasn't sure which one but i found it.
    Divorce is complicated and hard. There is a lot to consider, if you have kids, if you have alot of assets, if you own a business, on and on and on. Each divorce situation is different. In my situation, my X wouldn't cooperate with mediation. Had to go the long, hard expensive route. He lied and hid assets. In the long run, it cost me a fortune to get divorced (and he was the one cheating on me so he wanted it but wouldn't cooperate throughout the process). I thought it would have been okay however, cause of some "not legal things he did and an issue with the decree, there are repercussions that i'm trying to get worked out now. Not to say that if i continued in mediation it would have been better. Collaborative divorce is similar to mediation. You have to know the finacial situation , in my case he kept me in the dark about all financial things so discovery was next to impossible.

    this past may i would have been married for 40 years so i know how hard this is at this stage of life. Just remember, there is life after divorce. Just the peace of mind is worth it.
  • Reply #5 01/21/10  2:27pm
    Wondering how people on this board are doing.

    I am facing cancer surgery on Feb. 1, so I decided to put my divorce announcement plans on hold until after that. I can only handle 1 crisis at a time! :-) My husband is being very kind and will help me in my recuperation. He's good at that, and it makes me worry about the facing this kind of thing in the future, alone. But is that a good enough reason to stay married?

    I did go to a counselor yesterday, and she was very helpful. I guess I'm building my support network, as this is so scarey to go through alone.

    Hope everyone else is doing well on their journey to a new life. I think I'm really future focused--I've found a house I want and I've started cutting out articles showing gardens I might like, furniture, etc. I am soooo outta here, mentally! I just want to move on (but I guess I need to tell my husband, huh? LOL)
  • Reply #6 01/21/10  3:15pm
    sorry to hear about your surgery. I hope all goes well. One thing to be thankful for is that he will be there for you. In that respect, y ou are extremely lucky. I had double phlebitis while i was married and he left me and went to Vegas with his family.

    Count your blessings that he is there for you. Whatever happens after that can be your decision but as you said, it may not be the best reason to satay married. Hard decision but only you can make the final decision. I'm glad you went to a counselor. You have two very major issues, the cancer and the wanting a divorce and i think you should continue if you can with therapy. BUT, get through the surgery first.
    Let us know how things go.
    Best wishes.
  • Reply #7 02/05/10  5:05pm
    Thanks for your support. Surgery went well, though my face looks like a boxer's at the moment. 27 stitches along my nose and cheek, but they think they got it all.

    My husband has been very supportive, more affectionate than usual, and I do count that as a blessing. It will be interesting to see how long it takes for things to get back to "normal," and then I'll make more plans to leave.

    In addition to the surgery and hubby issues, I'm care manager for my 90-yar-old demented father who lives three time zones away. Every day is a new crisis with him. Today he called to tell me that he had lost his left hearing aid. Insurance will cover all but $400+, but that's a huge chunk out of his limited resources. I manage his money, bills, insurance, etc. which is almost a full-time job from so far away. So much for relaxing and healing after the surgery!

    I will continue with therapy. The counselor is excellent and I guess I need that extra bit of support right now. I appreciate everyone's comments here, as well.
  • Reply #8 07/29/11  2:51pm
    Hi, I am in the process of divorce, not by my choice. I am a lrft behind spouse in the worse sense. I was with the same person for 38 years. I am hearing now how abussive I was. She was the control person and no talk about the relationship, then bam. The emotional pain was worse than anything I have ever experienced. It was severe enough I was thinking of ending it all for me. I realize that does no good for me and those who love me. The Walk away is reading books like "You say Yes when you really mean No" and automaticly our past together is one big abuse by me. I read the letter to the left behind spouse and I helped considerable. Are others going thru the same pain ?
  • Reply #9 08/30/11  12:16am
    Was married young (20) and after 30 years (with ups and downs of course), my hubby told me he no long had any feelings for me. It was the night our only son was having an emergency appendectomy and the next day was my last day of work - laid off after 25 years. So my world was falling apart. I thought I was coping but 6 months later I collapsed from what I thought was stress and depression. Turns out I had developed Graves Disease or hyperthyrodism. Now, almost 3 years later we have a separation agreement in place (he's getting pretty much everything he wanted), my health has stabilized, I'm working (okay...my 6th job), he's moved out, my son has moved out and the place will be going up for sale within a week so I can move out.

    I think that is when my "new life" will begin and I've no idea what to expect. I have been involved with a fellow but we both know it's not a long-term thing. Should I end it with him so that I'm free to discover myself and meet others or should I keep seeing him so I'm not lonely,. He knows the score and will understand either way. Oh..did I mention he's married? Anyway, found this site and thought I'd just vent a bit...perhaps I should have started a new topic-thread.

    Melho...I hope the surgery goes well for you and you find a way to talk to your spouse.
    over50..I'm a "left behind" too and feel your pain...and yes, I've done a lot of honest hard looking at myself, read so many self-help books I feel quasi-qualified, but in the end I've learned that I can only control me and my feelings/perceptions. One book taught me 4 basic rules: 1. Always speak the truth; 2. Never take anything personally; 3. Never assume anything; and 4. Always do you best. Very good words to guide you in life - the don't take things personally and done make assumptions are truly classic protectors against the cruelty out there in the world.

    Take care you guys...I may be back for support as I continue my journey out of my longterm marriage towards my authentic life.
  • Reply #10 09/24/11  6:44am
    so how did it go? i am in the shoes you were


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