jimc152

Terrified

Posted on 01/05/09, 05:50 am

I get to go back to work today. I am terrified. there are a few young people I very strongly resent. In this business, resentments mean misery. But I don't know how to deal with them. My interpersonal skills aren't the greatest. They are playing by a set of rules I have never understood. All I know is they aren't playing the game the way I think it should be played (I'm the teacher and you are the class and you do what I ask you to.)

Somehow just writing about it feels a little better.

• Reply #1 01/05/09  3:00pm
  
  jimc152
  I survived. All in all, most of the students I work with range from okay to a pleasure. There are really only two or three that I've been anxious about. But it is that anxiety that makes me a member of this group. I will throw out all other positive aspects of myself because of this particular weakness. And the weakness is low self esteem.
• Reply #2 01/08/09  11:27am
  
  jimc152
  I'm just going to keep this thread going. Today is 1/8/09.
  
  I'm safe at work. I'm feeling 1/2 insecure and 1/2 okay because I know I
  am still a first year teacher as well as everything else I am. There are very
  old beliefs about myself coming to bear on this experience. It is most likely
  going to take time to uproot and replace them. The time-table I am not so sure
  about, could be quick, could be slow. I don't want to make a statement about
  it right now just because it sort of feels like predicting the weather. What I
  am very confident of is that I will crack this nut. Because the only thing close
  to the age of these old beliefs is how long I have been at this process of
  unlearning and re-teaching myself. When I go to that AA meeting, I am reminded
  of how far I've come. Not just since I met you, but since I started taking
  the program seriously and getting past some of my hang ups. I have done some
  serious solid work and it is reflected both on the inside and outside.
• Reply #3 01/08/09  11:27am
  
  jimc152
  PS; This is an excerpt from an e-mail to my wife.
  
• Reply #4 01/08/09  1:18pm
  
  jimc152
  Here's another excerpt from an e-mail to a friend:
  
  I'm always looking for people I can talk to WRT my
  emotional issues. As you know, I am plagued by low self-esteem. It is highly
  valuable to me to have people I can talk to about this. I think I explained it
  to you on one or more occasions. I'm not looking for pep talks or for a
  therapist or a surrogate parent; just someone who can tolerate listening. If I
  can make someone else understand and agree with what I am saying, it gives my
  conscious mind validity which in turn reduces the impact of the messages
  produced by the low self-esteem.
  
  
• Reply #5 01/09/09  4:41pm
  
  jimc152
  I've set a few fitness goals. If there is one thing I have control over in my life, it's my body. Maybe if I can become a powerful athlete, the negative messages will have even less validity. I'm already well on my way to some of the goals I've set. Sure it might be slightly vain, but I know better than to use the things I am good at to make another feel bad about themself. I just want to do something phenomenal.
• Reply #6 01/09/09  10:24pm
  
  willowhawkC...
  I think that all of us desire something that we do in life to be thought of by others as Phenomenal. I know that I do, and also there are the rough things that a relationship and work can conflict with. I think that the email that you wrote to your friend could not have been better, you opened up and got your feelings out. I think that they probably respect that as well. We all seek others to be an ear for us, be it by means of there ears, eyes, or a soft reassuring touch. Keep those friends that you have in your life near, and thoughts of lower self esteem shall start to at least disapate (can't spell) in time with the ones that you hold near to your soul.
• Reply #7 01/10/09  12:03pm
  
  jimc152
  Well, as I've mentioned, the low self-essteem, I believe, is a symptom of soething else that most likely will not go away. The distinction is important. There is having low self-esteem and feeling like you deserve it or that it isn't low self-esteem but truth. And then there is having low self-esteem and knowing it is from a damaged part of yourself and has nothing to do with who you really are. I am totally in the second category. I know I am a good person, I know that I deserve to be happy, it is my birth-right (as it is for every human being). And I deserve to feel good about myself. THAT IS THE TRUTH, and there is NOTHING I have to do to earn it. It comes along with eating, drinking, and breathing. The problem is that some part of my phsyche is damaged and causes me to continuously have feelings of worthlessness. I know they aren't true. these feelings are lies. What I need to do is continue to take care of myself in the same way a person with an incurable physical malady would. I have a treatment regimine that includes talking to people about the malady. DS and this group have become like a new drug in the on-going care I need.
• Reply #8 08/24/09  4:24am
  
  willowhawkC...
  If there is anything that you would like from either myself or another in the group. Don't hesitate to ask or text me. 3607734532
• Reply #9 12/02/09  7:27am
  
  jimc152
  I figured out a few things in the past several months:
  
  1) I've been way too impatient with Daily Strength. There could be some good stuff here for me, I just have to stop wanting things to happen as soon as I hit "send".
  
  2) What I really need is to be constantly reassured that the negative voices in my head aren't real. I know they aren't, but imagine walking around seeing demons all day hiding in corners (or sometimes standing right in front of you.) Knowing they aren't real is helpful, but seeing them is still disturbing. Same goes for my self-esteem issues.
  
  3) Cassidy looks good with hair.
• Reply #10 12/13/09  8:18am
  
  jimc152
  I'm not so much terrified anymore as I am really stressed out. The trick is to learn to be tougher. Among many other things.
  
  I'm intentionally keeping these short. I will be answering posts to other threads and forums. I'm working on building a network within DS, because I am sure it is something I am lacking. The sad but true thing is, at least in this moment, it may change if there is some truth for me to stop ignoring here, is that I don't have enough time to find whjat I'm looking for in the physical world, so I am looking for it in the cyber world. but then again, maybe that's a blessing.

For people that are coping with low self esteem and fear of rejection and also obsessions as well. That are looking for others doing so too. And trying to find a place to safely vent (Please no cursing). And to find people to talk to and not worry about being hurt, dropped, or just plain talked meanly to.