Group News

From Melody Beattie's daily reader "The Language of Letting Go": July 27th, "Letting Go"

  "Stop trying so hard to control things. It is not our job to control people, outcomes, circumstances, life. Maybe in the past we couldn't trust and let things happen. But we can now. The way life is unfolding is good. Let it unfold.
  Stop trying so hard to do better, be better, be more. Who we are and the way we do things is good enough for today.
  Who we were and the way we did things yesterday was good enough for that day.
  Ease up on ourselves. Let go. Stop trying so hard.

  Today, I will let go. I will stop trying to control everything. I will stop trying to make myself be and do better, and I will let myself be."

This cannot be more concisely said I think. Control is a major symptom of the disease of addiction and to our disease of Compulsive Lying. All of us, in one form or another, have learned that we can control (or think we can control) others, outcomes, and even our own emotions, through the act of lying and manipulation.

A HUGE step in moving forward towards recovery is accepting the fact that can't change the fact that we've lied in our past. Like this reading says, the only thing we can do is accept ourselves as we are today, and let it go. Day by day, not let it go forever, but just for today, it's okay that I'm a liar, but I choose not to lie.

A slogan I learned in the AL-Anon 12 step program that's a favorite of mine is "Let Go, and Let God." Of course I know not all of us are spritual/religious, however I will share this because I think it's a big part of learning to accept and let go. The concept behind this slogan is a progression from Step 1, "We admitted we were powerless over lying, and that our lives had become unmanageable," and Step 2, "Came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity."

After we understand that as individuals it has not been possible to get better on our own, we seek help from any source outside ourselves, whether that be therapy, this group, another 12 step group, or some form of higher power (which in no means has to be a god of any kind.... i often think of my higher power as divine nature, especially when I am out in the woods), something inside us tells us we just can't do this by ourselves anymore. When we come to realize this, we are starting to let go of control over our lives.

When we truly learn to "Let Go, and Let God," (or some other Higher Power inserted here), we give ourselves permission to heal and move forward and not control everything anymore. Why? Because we don't have to. We can learn to be okay with how the cards of life fall, because that's what life is, unpredictable. We have no valid way of knowing what is in store for our future, or the future of others and therefore we can't control anything. It is out of our hands and we can stop expecting things to happen, whether we're excited or afraid. With no expectations, there's nothing to fear. Whatever happens will happens, and we never had the power to begin with to change it as much as we'd like to think we always did.

Did anyone else hear this segment on NPR today? I thought it was pretty interesting to listen to even though it doesn't directly apply to us, because this was about committing fraud and analyzing thought processes in terms of having a business minded goal or moral centered goal. However the psychology aspect of it was interesting and I found I could relate to a lot of what Toby said. Especially when he was asked if it was hard to lie on his loan application when falsifying how much he really made in his job, and he replied "no." I think that feeling will ring true for a lot of us Compulsive Liars out there.

Here's the link for the story if you want to listen:

http://www.npr.org/2012/05/01/151764534/psychology-of-fraud-why-good-people-do-bad-things?sc=fb&cc=fp

If anyone heard it, what were your thoughts?

Laura O.

This quote is pulled from various sections within the Art of Self-Acceptance section from Melody Beattie's book, Co-Dependent No More.

"Learning to reject shame can change the quality of our life. It's okay to be who we are. We are good enough. Our feelings are okay. Our past is okay. It's okay to have problems, make mistakes, and struggle to find our path. It's okay to be human and cherish our humanness.
   Accepting ourselves is the first step toward recovery. Letting go of shame about who we are is the next important step.

Today I will watch for signs that I have fallen into shame's trap. If I get hooked into shame, I will get myself out by accepting myself and affirming that it's okay to be who I am."

This is not meant to be an excuse for our ying, but a gateway into owning our past mistakes and learning to be more aware so that when we continue to make mistakes, which we inevitably will, we can learn to correct ourselves more quickly.

Today, I'll remember that the person I've hurt the most in my lying is me, and I won't punish myself today. Just for today.

-Laura O.