Liars Anonymous Community Group
A support group to provide those with a compulsive addiction to lie a place to share hope, strength and courage with others like them; solve our common problem and help others with a compulsion to lie. We aren't alone!
I know I'm a liar, and I've lied as far back as I can remember. I've lost friends, got into trouble at work, family mad at me, and even lost relationships over the years because of this. What finally made me really truly realize how bad it was, is that I had just lost the one woman that I thought was my soul mate, she even said to me several times that she felt we were. We have so much in common even down to little minute details. It is really unbelievable. We've had our issues like all couples do, but one issue that she finally gave up on was my lying. I know she put up with it alot from me, but no matter how hard I tried I couldn't stop. I lied to her about my past relationships and bad decisions that I made. Many things I wasn't proud of. I lied about people that I had been with. I've lied about flirting with other girls even though it was harmless. I lied to her about running into my ex several times around town and talking to her or even running into my ex's father and talking to him. Just so many stupid things that seriously probably weren't a big deal if I had told her the truth. After a long period of time stuff slowely came out whether me telling her bits and pieces or her finding out anyways.
But the worst thing was probably confiding in another female about our relationship problems. I didn't seek this other female out, she was new at my workplace and she came up to me one day and said that she noticed that I had seem like something was bothering me for the past week, and at first I didn't want to talk about it, but she was persistent and said it helps to talk about things. So I started talking to her, but then I started hanging out with her during lunch breaks and talking to her about issues, and just talking as friends. We went and grabbed a bit to eat twice, and even left the store parking lot just to get away from work. I know it looks bad. This went on for about a month and then she confessed she liked me from the very first time she saw me, and told me that I should break up with my gf and be with her. I told her that I couldn't because I do love my gf and that I saw her as a friend. She asked once if I thought there could ever be a me and her, and I said someday under different circumstancee (I actually never intended on it anyways, I lied because I appreciated talking to her and didn't want to lose that). I shouldn't have said that, it was a huge mistake. We did hug a few times, dumb I know. The girl kept pushing and getting really annoying and crazy. One day my gf came into my work and was shopping and this friend treated her like crap as if she hated her. So my gf knew something was up. I told her that this girl likes me and is being kind of crazy, and that I don't really talk to her. When I should have told her about it, but I didn't. I tried to pass it off that I had nothing to do with it. Needless to say I told this friend that me and her needed to talk. So when we had a chance to talk I told her that I couldn't be friends with her anymore and the whole thing was wrong, so she then put her hand on my crotch and tried to kiss me. I turned my head before and I was mad at her. I walked away and the next day I went to lunch and she followed me down the road, while I was walking and she flipped out on me. She yelled at me that she was going to find my girlfriend online and tell her that we did a bunch of stuff. So I looked at her and said honestly I never thought you were this type of person that would consider me a friend and want to be with me, just to act like this. Later that night she wrote to my girlfriend, and basically told her off and said that me and her were best friends. So it was a mess. I fessed up to some of it, but not all of it. So she broke up with me. We talked then got back together and I still never told her the rest of it.
We broke up a couple more times because of my lying, but then we got back together again, and decided to get an apartment together. She said she'd give me a clean slate, because this showed her that I was definitely serious about being with her and her daughter. First time I have ever moved out, came close a couple times in the past but it never happend. I was scared to death, every waking hour I was going crazy. I was so worried that I was going to disappoint her or she'd just end up rejecting me anyways, while I was living with erm. I was also worried about finances too. It got to the point where I don't know what happend, but it was crippling me, I just lost it and left. A month later we got back together and I was started staying with her, things were great for a while, but I started lying again, I can't help it. She broke up with me again just after thanksgiving. She told me no matter what she thinks that I'm still hiding things, and she was right I hadn't told her about me telling that girl that there could be a chance someday (even though there wasn't) and I hadn't told her about that girl putting her hand on my crotch and trying to kiss me or the hugs. Three weeks later, which was a week before this recent christmas we got back together, she said to me you really are the best guy I've ever known, other then lying you've treated me the best and my daughter the best. So things were beyond great they were amazing until christmas night. She asked me if there was anything else I wanted to tell her and that she'd give me a chance to come clean. So I told her about the last three things I hadn't told her about, because I wanted to do the right thing. I guess it was too much for her and I don't blame her. So when I finally realized what I had really done and how bad it was. I wanted to make it right, and it ended up blowing up in my face. I honestly thought that she would forgive me and we could have moved on together. It was alot of stuff I know, and I finally wanted to do the right thing.
So I really want to fix myself for ME. I also hope as a positive from it, she will maybe want to give things another shot as well. I've talked to her a little bit about things afterwords and she said that its just been so many lies about so much stuff that she doesn't know what to believe anymore or if I'm genuine in trying to get help and fix myself. She also said that she'd never know that I was ever telling the truth down the road or if I'd always be hiding something. I do understand what she's saying. I did this to her.
So I have been joining websites, posting on forums, trying to talk about it as much as I can with family, friends, and trying to learn and understand what's wrong with me until I came to this website and read about Billi Caine's post. Now I completely understand and it makes total sense. I don't lie to make myself look better or glorify myself, I don't story tell, at least I dont think so. I lie to avoid rejection, disappointment, fearing that others wouldn't want anything to do with me. I'd lie so the truth wouldn't hurt or upset others. I'd lie to avoid feeling shitty about my past stuff or stupid mistake that I had made along the way that was current. I'm just tired of it, and I dont' want to be that person anymore. I know I have low self-esteem and I never feel like I'm worth it.
I am trying to find a counselor/therapist/psychologist that specializes in lying and friendships/relationships. I honestly don't know what to look for. I am doing this for ME, because I'm tired about living in this shadow of myself. Not only do I hurt others I hurt myself from lying. I have contacted a therapist that specializes in relationships, but I dont know about the lying aspect. Can someone please help me so I don't waste money seeing someone that won't really understand or help with my lying. The sooner the better because she is suppose to be letting me know in a couple days when the appointment will be. So please hurry.
I decided to do this questionaire.
ARE YOU A LYING ADDICT?
If you suspect you are a lying addict, the following self assessment questions will help you determine whether you are or not…
1. Is your life out of control because of your lying? YES
2. Is your mind obsessed with your lies or lying? YES
3. Do you lie every day? YES
4. Do you fail to do what is important and normally expected of you because of your lying? YES
5. Do you risk aspects of your personal safety and the safety of your loved ones in order to lie? YES
6. Are you in danger of losing loved ones because of your lying? YES
7. Does your body crave the experience associated with lying so strongly that you feel you have to lie? YES
8. Have you ever decided to stop lying and lasted only a couple of days? YES
9. Do you ever wish people would mind their own business about your lying and stop telling you what to do? YES
10. Have you had problems in the last year because of your lying? YES
11. Has your lying caused you problems at home? YES
12. Will you lose your support system if you tell people about the lies you have told them? YES
13. Do you tell yourself you can stop lying any time you want even though you keep lying when you don’t mean to? YES
14. Have you ever felt like your life would be better if you didn’t lie? YES
But the worst thing was probably confiding in another female about our relationship problems. I didn't seek this other female out, she was new at my workplace and she came up to me one day and said that she noticed that I had seem like something was bothering me for the past week, and at first I didn't want to talk about it, but she was persistent and said it helps to talk about things. So I started talking to her, but then I started hanging out with her during lunch breaks and talking to her about issues, and just talking as friends. We went and grabbed a bit to eat twice, and even left the store parking lot just to get away from work. I know it looks bad. This went on for about a month and then she confessed she liked me from the very first time she saw me, and told me that I should break up with my gf and be with her. I told her that I couldn't because I do love my gf and that I saw her as a friend. She asked once if I thought there could ever be a me and her, and I said someday under different circumstancee (I actually never intended on it anyways, I lied because I appreciated talking to her and didn't want to lose that). I shouldn't have said that, it was a huge mistake. We did hug a few times, dumb I know. The girl kept pushing and getting really annoying and crazy. One day my gf came into my work and was shopping and this friend treated her like crap as if she hated her. So my gf knew something was up. I told her that this girl likes me and is being kind of crazy, and that I don't really talk to her. When I should have told her about it, but I didn't. I tried to pass it off that I had nothing to do with it. Needless to say I told this friend that me and her needed to talk. So when we had a chance to talk I told her that I couldn't be friends with her anymore and the whole thing was wrong, so she then put her hand on my crotch and tried to kiss me. I turned my head before and I was mad at her. I walked away and the next day I went to lunch and she followed me down the road, while I was walking and she flipped out on me. She yelled at me that she was going to find my girlfriend online and tell her that we did a bunch of stuff. So I looked at her and said honestly I never thought you were this type of person that would consider me a friend and want to be with me, just to act like this. Later that night she wrote to my girlfriend, and basically told her off and said that me and her were best friends. So it was a mess. I fessed up to some of it, but not all of it. So she broke up with me. We talked then got back together and I still never told her the rest of it.
We broke up a couple more times because of my lying, but then we got back together again, and decided to get an apartment together. She said she'd give me a clean slate, because this showed her that I was definitely serious about being with her and her daughter. First time I have ever moved out, came close a couple times in the past but it never happend. I was scared to death, every waking hour I was going crazy. I was so worried that I was going to disappoint her or she'd just end up rejecting me anyways, while I was living with erm. I was also worried about finances too. It got to the point where I don't know what happend, but it was crippling me, I just lost it and left. A month later we got back together and I was started staying with her, things were great for a while, but I started lying again, I can't help it. She broke up with me again just after thanksgiving. She told me no matter what she thinks that I'm still hiding things, and she was right I hadn't told her about me telling that girl that there could be a chance someday (even though there wasn't) and I hadn't told her about that girl putting her hand on my crotch and trying to kiss me or the hugs. Three weeks later, which was a week before this recent christmas we got back together, she said to me you really are the best guy I've ever known, other then lying you've treated me the best and my daughter the best. So things were beyond great they were amazing until christmas night. She asked me if there was anything else I wanted to tell her and that she'd give me a chance to come clean. So I told her about the last three things I hadn't told her about, because I wanted to do the right thing. I guess it was too much for her and I don't blame her. So when I finally realized what I had really done and how bad it was. I wanted to make it right, and it ended up blowing up in my face. I honestly thought that she would forgive me and we could have moved on together. It was alot of stuff I know, and I finally wanted to do the right thing.
So I really want to fix myself for ME. I also hope as a positive from it, she will maybe want to give things another shot as well. I've talked to her a little bit about things afterwords and she said that its just been so many lies about so much stuff that she doesn't know what to believe anymore or if I'm genuine in trying to get help and fix myself. She also said that she'd never know that I was ever telling the truth down the road or if I'd always be hiding something. I do understand what she's saying. I did this to her.
So I have been joining websites, posting on forums, trying to talk about it as much as I can with family, friends, and trying to learn and understand what's wrong with me until I came to this website and read about Billi Caine's post. Now I completely understand and it makes total sense. I don't lie to make myself look better or glorify myself, I don't story tell, at least I dont think so. I lie to avoid rejection, disappointment, fearing that others wouldn't want anything to do with me. I'd lie so the truth wouldn't hurt or upset others. I'd lie to avoid feeling shitty about my past stuff or stupid mistake that I had made along the way that was current. I'm just tired of it, and I dont' want to be that person anymore. I know I have low self-esteem and I never feel like I'm worth it.
I am trying to find a counselor/therapist/psychologist that specializes in lying and friendships/relationships. I honestly don't know what to look for. I am doing this for ME, because I'm tired about living in this shadow of myself. Not only do I hurt others I hurt myself from lying. I have contacted a therapist that specializes in relationships, but I dont know about the lying aspect. Can someone please help me so I don't waste money seeing someone that won't really understand or help with my lying. The sooner the better because she is suppose to be letting me know in a couple days when the appointment will be. So please hurry.
I decided to do this questionaire.
ARE YOU A LYING ADDICT?
If you suspect you are a lying addict, the following self assessment questions will help you determine whether you are or not…
1. Is your life out of control because of your lying? YES
2. Is your mind obsessed with your lies or lying? YES
3. Do you lie every day? YES
4. Do you fail to do what is important and normally expected of you because of your lying? YES
5. Do you risk aspects of your personal safety and the safety of your loved ones in order to lie? YES
6. Are you in danger of losing loved ones because of your lying? YES
7. Does your body crave the experience associated with lying so strongly that you feel you have to lie? YES
8. Have you ever decided to stop lying and lasted only a couple of days? YES
9. Do you ever wish people would mind their own business about your lying and stop telling you what to do? YES
10. Have you had problems in the last year because of your lying? YES
11. Has your lying caused you problems at home? YES
12. Will you lose your support system if you tell people about the lies you have told them? YES
13. Do you tell yourself you can stop lying any time you want even though you keep lying when you don’t mean to? YES
14. Have you ever felt like your life would be better if you didn’t lie? YES
With lying, you have to figure out your triggers, and going to therapy will help find what those triggers are and how to control them, so you can eventually control your lying.
First appointments are usually about getting to know you and getting a brief history, and talking about things you want to cover throughout your sessions.
This is a good place to keep coming to even with therapy. Finding ways to be accountable for yourself helps keep the lying down.
You have a good attitude of wanting to change for YOU and not for someone else.
Keep us updated!
Try writing topics down that you want to talk about, or keep talking about, or anything you think of between sessions. That has been extremely helpful for me in confronting those things I may want to push to the side because it is too hard to talk about or I want to avoid it.
Did you have a good birthday?
My birthday was good. I had breakfast with both of my parents at Denny's, my meeting, a free movie (Jack Reacher), and free supper from Amatos :D
My ex also called and wished me a happy birthday, and the conversation started off great until she was telling me that my lying problem is a moral issue and that I disrespect her every time I lied. I agree with her that lying is wrong, and I also said that my lying problem is more than just black and white, and I never set out purposely to hurt or disrespect her. Talking about it makes her upset, and I understand why, so we got off the phone.
Today I'm really excited, we've been talking on the phone off and on for the past 2 hours. It's been really nice, because I know she still loves me and cares about me. Although I know she's telling herself that she can't be with me and that she can't work on the problems that we had while in a relationship. I'm doing my part and getting help with my issues. I hope she will want to jump on board as well. I really miss her so much, she's all I think about. I love her! I'm so lonely though, it has been difficult to spend my birthday without her.
I also had my 2nd therapy session today and it went really well. She's helping me realize my good qualities to be more self-confidant and to boost my self-esteem. As well as some other things we've talked about.
The only negative thing is that my ex decided she didn't want to be friends or be there for me for any type of support for my health or recovering from my lying. She says it gives me false hope. I guess she's gotta do what she's gotta do. It has been very difficult for her and for me. I was really hoping to remain in each others lives, because I thought we were really going to remain as friends. I understand it is difficult for people to deal with those of us that have this problem. I don't blame her, but it still is difficult nonetheless to lose someone, and to be lonely. I wish I could share the good news with her though.
Other then that I feel pretty good about things, I haven't lied in a while now :) Learning and retraining myself mentally has been a struggle at times, but it is working.
My advice is once you know you have this problem that we all have and admit it to yourself, and actually do something about it, working hard, and learning, the better you will start to feel about yourself. Build confidence in yourself. We all know we cannot change the past, we need to learn from it and push forward. We can achieve our goals if we put our mind to it!!!!! Feel free to message me if anyone wants or needs to!
Sorry to hear about the leg. Good luck with the surgery. glad too that the sessions are going well.
I know why your ex is saying what she is saying. It makes her feel empowered in a totally dis-empowering situation. She needs the boundary to give her the illusion of control but the fact is that you will still be living in her head the whole time whether she is with you or not. That is the nature of being a loved one (without recovery) of an addict. Just be aware of that.
My suggestion would be to get clued up about what her psychology is from her side of the fence from the Mediation Kit and when you do speak (AND YOU WILL - GUARANTEED... Trust me) she will know you are making the effort to think outside of just your own needs and wants. Addicts are notorious for being selfish in early recovery and thinking of their own needs only so this will go a long way with her. But you will need to truly be authentic and consistent with being aware of her side of the fence and maybe once she gets it that you understand and care about her pain, she will begin to thaw out.
Keep on Keeping on!
Billi :)
My surgery is this coming Monday, and I'm a little nervous about it. I'm sure I will be even more so tomorrow and when I drive down there early Monday morning.
Today was the first day I heard from my ex since last Sunday, I must admit it was nice. I really miss her. I told her that I miss her and I love her. I'm still hopeful that we can work things out given more time. I mentioned maybe sometime after my surgery that the two of us could get together and grab a bite to eat somewhere. Still hard being bored and lonely, though. I'm more confident in myself, and if she still doesn't want to work on things, I'll meet someone someday and I'll be able to give them my true self.
Keep your heads up everyone! Please feel free to message me if anyone wants or needs to talk!!!
I'm so happy that you are feeling better about the situation. It sounds like you have a great start and I hope you continue your positive thinking and moving forward.