Ah, the question of the day!! I often find it hard to say "no" too. People often asks for favors from me, not so much the social or volunteer obligations.
Someone wants help with their website design... or they want me to design labels or brochures for them. They know I can do it, and they want my help. While that all sounds good, it is time consuming for me. I am certainly not a "give to get back" kind of person. But geez, do I have to do everything for free?
I wish I knew how to say, "I am sorry, I am too busy right now".... or I wish I could find a way to ask them to pay me for the time that it takes me to do the work. After all, my time is important too.
I often feel tired and taken advantage of by people. I know they are not doing it intentionally, but how does one say NO!
Discussion Topic
How do you say "no" ?
Posted on 10/27/09, 05:03 am
Too many social or volunteer requests & obligations. How do you say "no" in a way that is nice & polite & firm ... without any long explanations?
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Reply #1 10/27/09 9:35am
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Reply #2 10/28/09 11:52am
The first step is to place your own requirements ahead of others'. You have to make your life more important to you than theirs. This is not a matter of becoming selfish or arrogant. It is a matter of balance..
When you allow yourself to do for others and do not require others do for you in some way, there is no balance. This is not healthy because it transfers stress from them to you. The "project" becomes your responsibilty instead of theirs.
My experience is that most people turn to their friends to do things for free for the explicit reason of saving money. IMO, that is not a friendly gesture, but one of selfishness and lack of respect for their "friend". I once heard someone say "Want to learn who your real friends are? Start charging." It was actually in reference to loaning tools, but it applies in many other situations, too.
PoeticDiva, you summed it up when you said "my time is important too." Next time someone asks you to do something for them, remember that. And remember that you are at least as important as they are. You already know how to say it because you said it right there in your post.
Janvier and PoeticDiva, you may try practicing this in your mind. Sit quietly and imagine someone approaching you and asking you to do something for them. Use past experiences as guides. Feel the initial urge to please them by accepting their request, followed by the stress of wondering how you'll fit it into your schedule. Focus on that stress as a warning flag from your higher self that this is not something in your best interest. Let that warning take hold and remind yourself that you, your time, and your needs are just as important as the person asking you to do something. In fact, they are more important because you are the one having to live your life and deal with everything.
Once you are empowered with your own worth, imagine telling the person "I'm sorry, but my workload is full for ***." Let *** be longer than the amount of time you estimate the request to take you to accomplish.
Play out various responses you imagine them having. They say they can wait until you have time. You respond with "I'm constantly taking on other work for clients, so I really don't know when I'll have an opening." That implies you place paying jobs ahead of freebies. Or they may look hurt and play the "I thought we were friends" card. You reply, "We are. Certainly work can't come between friends." That places the ball back into their court.
Let your imagination run wild. Do this whenever you have time and can focus. My favorite place is in the shower or in bed before I fall asleep. -
Reply #3 10/29/09 5:39am
This is difficult for me. I can cope easier with the requests for volunteer work...it has become easier to decline. I have a harder time turning down social stuff. I guess I don't want to appear unfriendly. I enjoy being with a few people I feel comfortable with but some people don't know when enough is enough. I am especially tired of "superficial" invitations. They're exhausting because they're hard work for me & I resent giving up my time. I'm tired of constantly having to come up with excuses. I hate having to give reasons. Sometimes "being vague" doesn't work...it's not enough for some people. -
Reply #4 10/29/09 9:00am
I simply say that I have other plans when I do not want to accept an invite. If people can't accept my "vague" response and press it, I will just say "it is of a personal nature". I don't make excuses. I don't lie. I just do not feel the need to give reasons.
If I want to stay home and watch TV instead of going out, that is my choice.
I am never mean to people, but I can no longer just do it all. I am exhausted. Just learn to say no. People really WILL respect you for it. -
Reply #5 10/29/09 9:40am
Poetic ... thank you for taking the time to reply ... sometimes I just need some re-assurance -
Reply #6 11/03/09 8:05pm
I agree just saying no and not going into any detail is probably the best way to go. If someone persists and wants to know what my plans are I just give them a cheeky grin and say Boy don't you wish you knew lol. I figure I am not going to do a good job anyway if my heart isn't in it so there is no sense in putting myself through it life is just too darn short. Besides if they are a true friend they are not going to push the matter but rather accept my decline. I just had to learn to say no and start to feel better about doing it and that took some practice and was hard but it pays off in the end:)
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