Discussion Topic

HSP and Marriage

Posted on 12/14/11, 10:23 am
Sometimes I wonder how other HSP get along in their marriage. For me it has been 42 yrs of ups and downs, mostly the latter. Spouses just do not relate well to HS mates because they just can't understand them and vice versa. Speaking for myself, I have to wonder if more HSP stay single or later become single just to survive. I know I would have stayed single had I known back then what life would be like trying to adjust with someone that does not comprehend the HSP. It has always been hard for me with the trust issue, the closeness, the shaing of time and most of all no privacy. Sometimes I think people should take some type of compatibility test before entering into a relationship----of course when we are young without experience it seems everyone could be compatible.

Do any of you struggle in marriage relationships because of being a HSP?
Showing 11 - 17 of 17 Replies
  • Reply #11 12/18/11  3:03pm
    Book Worm ( you know me well)...Here's a little thought on worry : Worry a little bit every day and in a lifetime you will lose a couple of years. If something is wrong, fix it if you can. But train yourself not to worry. Worry never fixes anything.

    To me being HSP or not being HSP in a marriage is not the answer, but it takes total respect and kindness towards each other's thoughts and feelings. An excerpt from my e-book ( Power of Positivity), talks about building kindness :

    "A strong marriage is the result of kindness, simple kindness. It seems so elementary and yet so many find it elusive. A gentle word, an inquiring look, a surprising hug...they did wonders for myself and Linda. And the joy of it all is that it is so very fun to do! These are not painful, difficult actions. Kindness is so easy and the rewards are so great, I am amazed I do not see it more often. I remain convinced of the healing and strengthening power of kindness is one answer to the stability of marriage and ultimately my bipolar disorder. The continuing fulfilment of our marriage works like an ever-developing globe to protect our flame. Such faithfulness allows us the freedom to share fully in each other’s lives. And now I can continue to see a trend here of 'choice’ toward positive thinking in my life. It truly was a 'choice’ that had to be. Bipolar Disorder is difficult enough to deal with, but living a married life without kondness and positive thoughts to keep the negative symptoms of bipolar at bay, can be insurmountable."
  • Reply #12 12/18/11  5:43pm
    My husband is sensitive in some ways but nothing compared to me. He understands but not completely. He knows me enough that when certain situations come up or he sees something that he knows is going to upset me, he is aware that "here we go ... this is going to be a problem". He knows most of my triggers & he knows I don't recover quickly.

    Eyestwo, I'm glad you have Linda & I agree that kindness goes a long way.
  • Reply #13 12/19/11  11:39pm
    Can someone explain the word "kindness" ---- seems in this day and age everyone sees it in different ways.
  • Reply #14 12/20/11  6:25am
    bluesapphire,

    Good question. I'm not sure what the Dictionary says but to me "kindness" means ...

    gentleness
    respect
    honor

    I think it's the "Golden Rule" ... "Treat other people the way you would want to be treated"
  • Reply #15 12/26/11  10:02pm
    I am an HSP that also has multiple chemical sensitivities and many other health issues. I am married (40 years) to a man who made me feel very special in the courtship days, so caring a loving and wanting to "take care of me".....madly in love. Ergo lies the problem. When two people are in love, it's very hard to be "objective" and "know each other well". It wasn't long after the marriage that he dropped all the wonderful stuff and simply did what he wanted....don't get me wrong, we still had good times, etc., but much fighting ensued....I kept trying to find the guy I thought I married, and he just wanted to basically get on with life, and have all the sex he wanted. Fast forward to the present. He is very frustrated with the chemical sensitivties....he is a major denial person when it comes to any illnesses (it's like God played a cruel trick here with us) and he hates that our "lives were ruined" when I became so terribly ill and have to live a much more limited life. I lost my teaching job, and the list goes on. So, I guess now I am "flawed", I don't know. He is as far from HSP as you can find. And he just doesn't get my emotional state and how hurt I get over things. So, frankly, I am living proof that marrying someone who basically is not a sympathetic person, has their emotions entirely locked up, chokes on having to apologize for something, etc., is NOT a good idea. Do I love him? Yes, I still do. Perhaps more out of habit, I can't really say. Does he love me? I'm not sure anymore. I think we are both disappointed with our relationship, for different reasons. Will it get better somehow? I sure hope so, but I think only by the grace of God. So who should an HSP marry.......I would wager not another HSP......too much hurt flying around......but possibly a person who still can sympathize and tolerate......and definitely be sure they love you to a very deep depth before putting that ring on your finger.

    Beckeroo
  • Reply #16 01/02/12  9:34pm
    I have been married for over 20 years. Most of those years I have had problems with depression - the last few years severe depression. I am seeing a psychotherapist and she has helped me to begin to understand myself. I am an introvert, intuitive, gifted and highly sensitive. I have always felt like there was something seriously wrong with me, so I tried to be who everyone else wanted me to be or needed me to be. In the process, I lost who I was. I am working on finding/accepting the *real* me. My husband is the complete opposite of me (based on the Myers-Briggs test). It has been difficult. I realized that to really *feel* loved I needed to connect with him on a deep emotional level, something that he has never been able to do. He has started to see a therapist as well to help him with this. I am cautiously optimistic as I am realizing that the kind of person I need to be with is someone who can understand me and relate to me and help me to grow. My husband is quite clueless. I wish I would have known these things about myself before I got married.
  • Reply #17 01/02/12  9:52pm
    Hi Jane, although I'm not an advocate of marriage, I do believe in the philosophy of putting the right people together to make fireworks in love or business. Why do I believe in this? Because like you I've had past bad experiences of being around people I don't spark with, or who don't connect with me deeply enough. Why do I want to connect so deeply? Because like you I'm a deep person, I perceive the world around me on a very intellectual and emotional level, whereas a lot of people don't, so can seem insensitive to me. It's okay they're the way they are, but sometimes I want to be around people like me, who see the world similarly, who will understand me. I think we all need to be around like-minded people, at least some of the time, and if we're not it can lead to psychological problems. I think at least a few people on here are quite emotionally wounded from being a misunderstood HSP. This place can help you heal, it's helped me heal, I just love reading all the words of peoples stories and comments on here that just make sense to me.

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The highly sensitive person (or HSP) is someone who cares deeply about everything ... feels emotions with great intensity ... is highly conscientious ... has a rich and complex inner life ... is very intuitive ... is often creative in a variety of ways... is easily overwhelmed and/or overstimulated. A HSP needs lots of quiet time,space, and freedom. If this sounds familiar ... you are welcome to join us.